Edarchy
by elejamie
Summary: A series of random events happens to the Eds in late 1990s Peach Creek. Rated M for language, implied sexual content, violence - mostly because of what games Edd and Eddy play - and many other things. On hiatus until further notice; because I'm finding it hard to write it.
1. Chapter 1: Where the whole thing began

Edarchy

Chapter 1: Where the whole thing began...

Disclaimer: I don't own Ed, Edd n Eddy. The title of this story is based on Anarchy, the first KMFDM song I listened to, which I also don't own. I also don't own any songs sang, video games played or anything like that. In fact, it'll be easier to write a list of things I DO own.

A/N: I have written an apology for... something... which you can find on my main page. Also, this story (initially titled "Edco: Rise and Fall") was originally set in 2005 and featured the Eds restarting Ed Co, but I lost interest in it. I'll explain more in the closing Author's Notes.

Anyways, due to their inherent shitness, I've decided to retcon my original stories and write this story, which has its own continuity. If I do mention my previous stories, it's for a cheap joke. This story first takes place in 1998 - despite the obvious fact that, not only was it not set in a particular year, but also the show itself started in 1999 - where the main trio are in their early 20s. I don't know why I chose that year, then again, for some reason, I like the 1990s. In other words, you won't see them logging onto Facebook or Twitter on their iPad or whatever, nor will they talk about the latest Call of Duty game. Instead, they'll be discussing Doom WADs and checking out Usenet (if you don't know what either of these are, check the internet or ask any relatives who can remember the 90s).

(~~~)

It was 8:15am on March 23rd, 1998. The sun shone brightly into Eddy's room, illuminating it. It was almost the same as it was when he was younger, but there were some changes. In front of his Tom Jones poster was a beer can Taj Mahal, which, believe it or not, wasn't made using glue. There was a Reservoir Dogs poster on his bedroom door, despite the fact that it came out in 1992. Amongst his collection of disco hits from the 70s was, for some reason, a copy of Nevermind by Nirvana. And there was Eddy, asleep and half-naked on his bed, with a bottle of Jack Daniels – his favourite drink – and a porno magazine obscuring his face. He had grown his hair into a mullet in time for Senior Prom '94, but cut it off a couple of months later – Luckily, he was satisfied with the result and decided to make it his new hairstyle, replacing the three strands of hair he had for years.

However, the peacefulness and the serenity were shattered when Eddy's alarm clock went off. He dropped his bottle on the bed, rolled over to his front and eventually fell off the bed, hungover. He picked up the alarm clock and looked at the time, the second hand ticking loudly. He then stumbled over to his bathroom, trying not to step on his records.

He then looked in the mirror, where we first "see" his face. He had bags under his eyes, his hair was messy and tangled and he looked like he would vomit in the sink. After a few seconds, he stepped into the shower and turned it on, wondering why he had to get up so early.

20 minutes later, when he got out of the shower, he then realised why he had to get up: To carpool Ed - who works as a cashier at the comic book store. He entered his Closet of Dreams and picked up a suit (but no tie), a white shirt and a pair of trainers – size 6. He placed them on the bed and took out a clean pair of underwear, which he also added to the pile. He then put on some deodorant, some aftershave and got changed. Finally, he grabbed a pair of Aviator sunglasses and put them on, leaving his bedroom and then his house.

He then walked over to Ed's house and knocked on his door. Ed came rushing to the door and greeted Eddy. 'HIYA, EDDY!' Despite it being 9-10 years, Ed's voice hasn't changed one bit. Though Ed wore the same jacket, the same jeans and the same shoes, he wore a Monster Condo shirt, a band that he plays rhythm guitar for. As it was a Monday and thus a workday, he also wore a nametag over his jacket.

'You ready to go, Lumpy?' Eddy sighed. His voice also didn't change much, the only difference being that it was slightly lower in pitch than it was almost a decade ago.

Ed nodded and the duo walked over to Eddy's van, or the "Eddymobile" as he affectionately dubs it. During the summer of '96, the Eds, with the help of Edd's then-girlfriend Marie (yes, THAT Marie), fixed up the Retro Van, adding new wheels, a new engine, fixing up the paintjob. Inside, they added back seats, an air bed, curtains, cupholders and stereos; with a Doomguy bobblehead on the passenger side dashboard. They both got in and the 5'10" driver started his car, driving Ed downtown. Luckily, it's only a 23-minute drive, if Eddy can time the traffic right. As soon as they got out of the cul-de-sac, the 6'6" passenger asked 'Eddy, can I turn on the radio?'

'Why the hell you askin' me, Ed?' Eddy rolled his eyes. 'Do it.'

Ed squeed and turned on the radio. The first station that came up was a talk station, where they were discussing the upcoming mayoral election. He then turned the dial, selecting a rap station. He then tuned in to another station. 'Next up on Top 40...'

He then chose a different station, which was probably having technical difficulties as there was no noise coming out of the speakers. Eventually, he came across a metal station, with "Engel" by Rammstein playing. Ed was singing along to it, much to Eddy's chagrin. 'Gott weiß ich will kein Engel sein...' Ed belted out, slightly out of tune.

At 9:00am, Ed and Eddy had arrived at the comic book store. It was pretty much a carbon copy of the Android's Dungeon from The Simpsons, except there isn't a robot in the display window and there isn't a purple and white awning above the entrance. If anything, it was called the "Automaton's Lair". Ed got out of the van, went into the store and started getting to work on the stock. The exact moment Ed got out of the van, Eddy switched the station to some Tom Jones and drove off. He then drove home for some much needed sleep.

It was then midday. For some reason, he was fully awake and decided to scavenge the cupboards for something to eat. When he got to the kitchen to do just that, he couldn't find anything. The only things he could find were an empty box of Chunky Puffs and a bottle of gin. 'Fuck,' He muttered. 'Need to get something.'

Despite it being brighter than it was earlier, he took off his sunglasses. He then walked down to nearest convenience store, which was about 5 blocks away, a manageable trip for Eddy. A while later, he bought a loaf of bread; some butter; five cups of InstaRamen noodles; and a blue raspberry BrainFreezer, which he – naturally – added vodka to. When he got home, he had some noodles and then sat down to watch some TV.

When he was 16, his parents divorced. This was roughly a few days after Eddy came out as pansexual, which added a small amount of fuel to the fire. Naturally, they both wanted to sell the house and live elsewhere. Because of his strained relationships with both his father and his mother, he decided to take a [very risky] third option: He chose to live where he still is and both his parents move away. Although, at first, he was afraid that both of his parents would scold him for coming up with that solution, everyone was somewhat satisfied with this and his mother gave Eddy $5,000 she had hidden away somewhere to look after himself. Although the first few weeks were tough – even going as far as having Ed and Edd sleep over for the first three days – he got used to it and eventually did things that his parents never allowed him to do, like throw parties, access "certain channels" and put his feet up on the coffee table.

A couple of hours later, whilst he was watching a rerun of The Price is Right, he then thought to himself. _Double D's at work, Lumpy's at work. Damn it, why can't I find a job?_ He then turned off the TV and went upstairs. _Later on, I'm going to start that résumé that I've been meaning to do._ He then entered his brother's old room, which he refurbished into a game room. After clearing everything out, he put in a computer; a futon; a PlayStation; a TV; and a cooler that looks like a Medikit. He was able to buy those things – as well as have wall sockets added, buy extension cables and knock down the brick wall that was covering the window – because his long-lost uncle (who BOUGHT him the PlayStation, making it the only Christmas present he received that wasn't clothes) left Eddy $250,000 in his will. He opened the door, turned on the computer and then waited for it to boot up. _Where to work, though?_ Eddy continued thinking. _So much choice..._ When the computer was ready, he opened the disc tray and put in Duke Nukem 3D.

It was now 4:35pm. After a completing an episode, Eddy thought it was now time to pick Ed up. He turned the computer off, grabbed his keys and got into his van. He managed to get there the EXACT moment the manager flipped round the sign to say it was closed. About 15 seconds later, Ed walked out the door with a copy of Evil Tim vs. Deadpool underneath his arm. 'Hi, Eddy!' Ed opened the door and got in.

'Hey, Ed.' Eddy rolled down his window just as Ed was putting his comic on the backseat and putting on his seatbelt.

He turned on the radio and tuned into the station he and Ed were listening to earlier. A generic heavy guitar riff was playing in the background whilst the voiceover announced 'You're listening to S-T-I-L FM, the all-metal station'.

There was a second or two of silence before Hangar 18 by Megadeth was playing on the radio. Ed wanted to turn it up but Eddy stopped him. 'So, Ed...'

'Yeah, Eddy?'

'Fancy a drink later?'

'Sure. Just lemme finish my comic first.'

'There's no rush, burrhead. I gotta get to work on my résumé first.'

'Your what?' Ed was confused.

Eddy sighed in exasperation. 'That piece of paper which helps you get a job. Remember?' Ed shook his head. 'Double D helped you with yours.'

'Oh, I remember.'

'Yes...' Afterward, they stopped talking for the rest of the trip and Ed just went back to headbanging.

A while later, they arrived back at the cul-de-sac. Just as they were pulling into Eddy's driveway, Ed turned off the radio, which was playing a gum commercial. Eddy turned off the van, took off his seatbelt and got out, Ed doing the same a second later. 'So I'll see ya 'round...' Eddy paused to come up with a time. '9? 9:30?'

'OK, Eddy!' Ed gave Eddy a thumbs up and then walked back to his house.

Eddy then walked to his house, went inside and called Edd, using a wall-mounted telephone. He then dialled Edd's number and waited for a response. 'Hello?' The voice on the other end of the line asked.

'Hey, Double D. It's Eddy.'

'Greetings, Eddy. I just finished a Deathmatch on Doom II: Hell on Earth.'

'Nice!' Eddy smiled. 'Who won?'

'I did. It was using the BFG in the last ten seconds that sealed my victory.'

'Congratulations.' Eddy snidely remarked. 'So you wanna go for a drink later?'

'Sure do. But a few questions.'

'I'm listenin'.' Eddy rolled his eyes.

'Do I meet you there?'

'If you want.'

Edd put down his mobile phone and went to get a piece of paper and a pen. He returned five seconds later. 'It's best that I do as I live closer to the bar than you do.'

'Fine.'

We then hear Edd writing something down. 'Next, what time should I be leaving?'

'9? 9:30?'

'Alright, I can ask Marie if she can drive me there. She's on duty, tonight.'

'Gee, thanks, Mr. Exposition.' Eddy sarcastically broke the fourth wall. 'Anything else?'

Edd stopped to think for a few seconds before saying. 'We could get a taxi home as my apartment's not too far away from yours.'

'Are you done explaining things to the readers?'

'Yes.'

'OK. So... Meet you there.'

'Will do. Bye, Eddy.'

'See ya.' Eddy put the phone back on the hook and headed to his personal bathroom for a shower.

(~~~)

A/N: So, there it is. I'm sorry that it's short, but there wasn't much else I can add. Next chapter, we get to fully meet Edd (where we explore his relationship with Marie, for example) and, in Chapter 3, we then move onto Ed (and find out how Monster Condo was formed and how he got a job at Automaton's Lair). Chapter 4 is basically the Eds at the bar, explaining what they did between Big Picture Show and this story. I also apologise for the end of this chapter and will apologise in advance for the several centillion Doom (and other classic FPS games) references over the course of the story.

And now, I'm going to pad this out by explaining things a bit more in detail, unless it's been explained in the story:

1. I don't know why I made Eddy a pansexual. Luckily, Eddy does have standards (in other words, he won't go after EVERYTHING that moves) and he's a somewhat OK guy.

2. I also have no idea why Eddy drinks. Feel free to make up your own theories, however.

3. Going back to "ERaF"; I originally had Eddy's long lost uncle as a multi-millionaire who worked as a CEO for a company that does... something. I didn't even know. The plot for that story would've kicked off when Eddy inherited $5,000,000 to start a company with. However, due to lack of interest (and the fact that said uncle seems to be a bit of a Stu), I stopped writing that story. I never got past one and a half chapters (one of which had been on my Document Uploader thingy), none of which had been published. This leads me onto...

4. For Christmas '97, that uncle (whose name will be revealed in chapter 4. Hopefully I'll go through with it) gave Eddy a PlayStation (note that the PlayStation 2 wouldn't be released for nearly 3 years). Back in March of that year, Eddy found at him when he checked some family photos that were in the attic and asked his parents (which he did over the phone). After driving down to Florida, the two bonded and contacted each other when possible. After all the shit he went through during his childhood, it's clearly obvious Eddy needed an awesome relative.

5. When he originally received it, Eddy had Doom; Final Doom; Twisted Metal; and Crash Bandicoot for PlayStation. Those weren't bundled with it, they were bought separately. Later on, he bought both Mortal Kombat II and 3; Twisted Metal 2; Castlevania: Symphony of the Night; Test Drive 4; and Rayman.

6. Eddy's computer runs DOS, as opposed to Windows 95 (which Edd has). He also own Doom, Doom II: Hell on Earth; Final Doom; Blood; Duke Nukem 3D (as "shown" in fic); Wolfenstein 3D; Quake; Lemmings; SimCity 2000; and Alone in the Dark. So, as you can see, he's quite a gamer, despite the fact that most of the games I've listed are violent to some degree.

7. Yes, mobile phones did exist back then. They were initially big and bulky back in the 80s (play Vice City and you'll see what I mean), but as time went on, they became lighter and more portable, but still expensive (if anything, the phone Edd has cost $1000 on release).

8. I will add an OC that will pop up from time to time, but that won't happen until Chapter 5 or Chapter 6, I'm unsure which. Again, this was initially planned for ERaF, where he was a reformed hacker who was active from 1997-2001, and he played a bigger part (he was going to be the CIO for Edco). No, really. This wasn't me shoehorning my way in to the story because, although we share a few things in common – such as a liking for industrial music, Doom and hacking – we were mostly different, for example he spends more time off the computer than I do. I might reintroduce him, but with a few changes.

9. The reason why Edd needed a piece of paper and a pen is that he doesn't forget what Eddy told him. Though Edd was clearly one of the most intelligent characters in the show, he has shown a few signs of stupidity (i.e. putting batteries in the wrong way in "Hands Across Ed"; or making it look like a fake Ed was reading a book in "Three Squares and an Ed"). So forgetting what Eddy told him would JUST be out of character. Also, Edd taught Eddy the word "résumé" which explains why Eddy says it a few times throughout the first few chapters.

An explanation for explanations 5 and 6 (mainly why does Eddy have multiple copies of the same game) can be found on the internet. I have also tried to mention games released around or before March '98 (which is when this part of the story is set. This "deadline" will be moved as the story goes on, as it IS set over many years), by doing some research (READ: Spent a couple of minutes on Wikipedia). Alright, I'm going to upload this and then I'll start work on Chapter 2, uploading it when I've finished and I'm completely satisfied with it.


	2. Chapter 2: Cigarettes and Running

Edarchy

Chapter 2: Cigarettes and Running...

Disclaimer: I don't own Ed, Edd n Eddy; I don't own the song that Edd will sing later on; and I don't own anything KMFDM-related.

A/N: ... A perfect combination! Not really, for obvious reasons. But here, we get to see Edd's morning on 3.23.98, where he goes for his usual morning jog, buys some cigarettes and gets ready for work. And, since I've just explained a few of the things he's done, I think it's time to start this chapter. But before I do, I unintentionally hid an insult, and included a stealthily-obvious pun, in the last chapter. If you find them both, then you win... something or other, I don't know or care.

(~~~)

It was 5:00am. Edd was asleep in his bed, having a dream where he met Nikola Tesla and the two of them work together on the Tesla coil. If anything, his bedding was pretty much white with a list of scientific equations on there, like the Archard equation, the Lorentz Factor and the classic Mass-energy equivalence (or e=MC^2). To the right is a bedstand with an alarm clock and his beanie, which was black with a green stripe around the brim.

And the precise moment that, in his dream world, that he and his idol were going to test the finished coil, his alarm clock went off. However, it wasn't a harsh constant ringing like Eddy's. Instead, it played some smooth jazz whilst a voice, who sounds like a cross between Bob Ross and Mr. Rogers, stated. 'Good morning, you're listening to 109 FM – The Reed. I'm John Ambrosius and next up is...'

Before the song played, Edd woke up and turned off the alarm. After stretching his arms, he woke up, got out of bed (he was wearing an undershirt and dark blue Y-fronts), put on his beanie and went out of his bedroom, presumably to the kitchen. Though we couldn't see him, we could hear him pour something into a bottle and, once the pouring stopped, put the lid on; as well as putting on some clothes.

He then walked back into his bedroom. We could see that, apart from the beanie, he was wearing a white shirt with a pocket on the front, tucked into black shorts with two white stripes around the waist; and blue socks that go halfway up his shins. After putting on a pair of trainers, he then walked over to his chest of drawers and picked up his Walkman. He checked to see if his mixtape was still in there – it was. But, before he went out for his daily morning jog, he went to check if he had any cigarettes left. But he hadn't.

A couple of minutes later, Edd was outside his apartment building, with his Walkman in his hand. After graduating from university in '97, Edd wanted to get away from the cul-de-sac. So he moved into an apartment downtown, though he does keep in touch with Ed, Eddy and – to a lesser extent – his parents from time to time. 'Right,' He said to himself. His voice was deeper than it was when he was 12-13, but, if you listen closely, there's some pre-pubescence still around. 'Must remember to get cigarettes.' At that point, he put in his earphones and began running.

At the turn of the decade, Edd found out that he had to pass physical education if he wanted to go to the next grade. After failing spectacularly at football (both American and European) and gymnastics, he took up running. After a few bad starts, he ended up coming first at the cross-country section of Peach Creek High's Annual Athletics Competition for two years in a row. In 1995, he entered the Peach Creek Marathon and ended up coming 25th. When asked about how he achieved such a high place, he said "Practice". Well, you'll get plenty of practice if you were constantly chased by three girls who would fuck your brains out given the chance.

After 23 minutes, Edd finally reached the convenience store. He paused his song, took out his earphones, went inside and walked to the counter. 'Yes, can I please have a carton of Berlins please?'

The clerk nodded and gave him the cigarettes he asked for. She was roughly the same age as him, give or take a couple of months, with red hair tied back in a ponytail, wearing a green shirt with the company's logo, brown trousers, the same trainers Edd was wearing (but in a different colour and size) and a white visor, also with the logo. 'That'll be $8.50.' She smiled.

Edd reached into his beanie and pulled out a $10 bill. 'Apologies, Miss. I'm having my usual morning run.'

'No problem.' She opened up the cash register and put in the somewhat soggy note, taking out his change.

'Thanks.' Edd smiled back and put the money back into his beanie.

'Enjoy your run.' She told him before he exited the store.

'I will!' Edd waved back.

Outside, he opened the carton and took out a cigarette. He patted down his shirt before wandering to a homeless person. He walked over to the burning bin and put in his cigarette. After taking a much needed drag, he gave his change to the hobo. 'Your patronage is much obliged...' He mumbled, snatching the dollar bill and two quarters.

'Don't spend it on alcohol!' Edd reminded him before walking back to the store front. Just as well, due to a slightly controversial law passed in 1988.

Five minutes later, he finished his cigarette and put it in a disposal canister. He then put in his earphones and pressed play on his Walkman. After doing a couple of stretches, he put the carton in his shirt pocket – just where his keys were – and resumed running whilst a ticker at the bottom of the screen said "Remember: Edd is a cartoon character – who managed to survive a wall falling on him." As if the readers needed reminding.

He then continued running around the block before deciding to head home. By the time he arrived back at his apartment, it was around 6am. He then took out his keys, which were in his shirt pocket, and unlocked the door, heading inside into his living room.

His living room had fake mahogany panelling on the walls and a green-grey carpet. On the walls were pictures of his family and friends, and on his door was a Life of Brian poster. To his left was the kitchen, where we could see a white fridge; an oven and three counters, whereas straight ahead is his bedroom. He then headed to his bathroom, which was to the right of his bedroom, opened the door and walked in, closing the door behind him.

His bathroom had white walls and a white floor. To the far side of the room was the toilet; to the left was a sink with a medicine cabinet above it. He then looked in the mirror (that was on the medicine cabinet) and took off his beanie, revealing his black and blond mullet. He then looked closer at the mirror and pulled up his fringe, revealing a bruise – presumably from the dodgeball incident. 'Well, Eddward, look at it this way.' He said to himself. 'Another three or four millennia and it would've cleared up.' He then put his dirty clothes into the hamper close to his door and stepped into the shower, which was in between the door and the toilet.

After a quarter of an hour, he got out of the shower and put on a towel. He then got out of the bathroom and went into his bedroom. A couple of minute later, he returned, wearing a navy blue polo shirt with the words "Java Hut" sown on them, his nametag, black trousers, black dress shoes and a hair net where the bands were so close together your couldn't really see his hair. He then walked into the kitchen and made himself a bowl of Chunky Puffs.

After eating them whilst in the kitchen, he went to the bathroom to brush his teeth. Once he finished doing that, he set up his Nintendo 64, plugged it into the TV, got out the controller and, after scanning his eyes across the shelf to see what games he had, picked out Super Mario 64. After making sure it was the right game (he puts end labels on every game he has, so he doesn't choose the wrong game by accident), he put it into the console and turned it on.

The time was now 8:02am. Realising that he had to be at work, he saved his game and then turned off the console. After unplugging everything and putting the game and the controller away, Edd grabbed his car keys and his cell phone – a Motorola StarTAC – walked to his car – a yellow 1993 BMW E34. When he was outside, he walked to the parking lot, just around the corner from the building.

When he got to his car, he unlocked it and got in. He started his car and drove out. He then turned on his stereo and chose a CD at random to play. After waiting a few seconds, Edd was listening to the song "Stupid Girl" by Garbage. After a while, he began to sing along but, unlike Ed, he was somewhat in-tune. 'Don't believe in fear, don't believe in faith. Don't believe in anything that you can't break...'

After 20 minutes, he finally arrived at his workplace. The Java Hut was a coffee shop on Main Street, not far from the candy store. It opened in 1975 and, although business was slow at first, it gained popularity, finally becoming the new hangout for the kids around '92-'93. After graduating university in 1997, Edd decided to work there to pay off his student loans. He drove into a parking lot, turned off the car, got outside, locked the car's doors and went inside the coffee shop.

Inside, the walls were orange wood-chip wallpaper whereas the floor consisted of blue ceramic tiles. On the walls, there were pictures of people drinking coffee; and on the grey metallic counter, there was the company logo. On the wall behind the counter, there was the list of what drinks people could order. And, in each corner of the room were stereo speakers so that customers could listen to music whilst having their drinks. Edd went behind the counter and checked the storage room to check who he'll be working with. Afterwards, he went to the coffee machine and made himself a medium cappuccino.

After he sat down to drink his drink, the manager walked in. She was in her early 40s, with black hair that looks like a Rachel/ponytail hybrid. She was wearing the same clothes Edd was wearing, but instead it was a white long-sleeved polyester shirt and she wasn't wearing a hair net. 'Mornin' Eddward.' She said in a [faintly] stereotypical Canadian accent. 'You know, I never got why it's two Ds instead of one.'

'Chances are it was a typographical error on my birth certificate.' Edd explained, taking a sip of his drink.

As the minutes rolled on, Edd's co-workers for the day started coming in, all of whom were dressed the same way as Edd. There was Jeff, a skater – who uses terrible 90s slang – with red curtained hair; Sandy, the party-hard Californian (who, surprisingly, knows a lot about television) with a blonde Hime cut (although it was tucked into her hair net); and Felipe, the androgynous Mexican with a black pompadour (which everyone can see, despite what he's wearing on his head) and a faint moustache line.

As usual, there weren't many customers in the first hour and a half, just usual people having their coffees to go. Then, at 10:35am, their regular customer entered: A man, presumably in his mid-20s, with a light brown ducktail, wearing a black "What Do You Know, Deutschland?" short-sleeved shirt, blue denim jeans and brown trainers, walked into the store, carrying a laptop. As he's been here everyday for the past three years, they knew his drink order off by heart: A hot chocolate with whipped cream and marshmallows. By the time he set up his laptop – which was running Debian 2.0, a Linux distribution – Edd had already made the drink and set it down on the table, which was the one closest to the wall.

As time passed, more and more people came in. Then, at 11:59am, Edd announced to his manager 'I'm off for my lunch break!'

'Be back in 10 minutes!' She replied.

At that point, he turned to Jeff. 'Can you please cover for me?'

'No problem, dude!' Jeff replied in a stereotypical skater voice.

Outside, Edd walked to Café Fondue, which was a restaurant that served European-style foods. Inside, it looked pretty much like your standard fancy restaurant, except smaller and there weren't any booths. The walls were painted red and had pictures of mountains, cheeses and animals, whilst the floor had sky-blue and azure shag carpeting. When he was inside, he ordered an Emmental and lettuce sandwich, as well as a bottle of Coke. After finishing his meal and paying for it, he headed back to the Java Hut.

When he got back, the whole place was packed. Due to a lack of seats, ordering a coffee to go was now compulsory until there was some room. Edd managed to get behind the counter and tell the manager that he's back. He then resumed serving the customers.

At 3:00pm – and after re-checking the timetable – Edd left work. Since 1981, the Java Hut had this weird system for its employees: The A-staff would work from 9am-3pm. Then the store would close for 30 minutes whilst the B-staff, who'll work from 3:30pm-9:30pm, arrive. He walked to his car and unlocked it. There, he checked the glove compartment to see if his cigarettes were in there. He smiled, and then took them out. After putting on his seatbelt, he then put his key in the ignition, turned it and drove off.

When he arrived back at his apartment, he went inside and got out of his work uniform. After having yet another shower, he got changed into his casual set of clothes – His beanie, a plain black shirt, an unbuttoned German Army jacket, black cargo pants, white socks and the same dress shoes as earlier.

He then walked to a shelf, where he picked up a picture of him and Marie at Disney World. After he came out as bisexual in November 1992, he went on a date with Eddy (not because of that kiss in Your Ed Here, by the way). After the date became disastrous – mainly because of a slightly enraged Lee – Edd felt a bit downhearted. So, he visited Marie, who lived in one of the newly constructed houses on the other cul-de-sac. They eventually became friends and, two weeks later, started going out. In January '94, he gave himself a makeover, replacing his old clothes with his "casuals". Though they sadly broke up last month, Edd still felt that it was the happiest 5 years of his life and they still talk to each other from time to time.

He then put the picture down, grabbed his lighter and went outside the building. After getting his cigarettes out of the car – and locking it afterwards – he took one out of the packet and lit it up with his lighter. After he was finished, he headed back inside.

The time was now 3:50pm. Inside his apartment, he headed into the kitchen to make himself a glass of milk. After drinking it in the kitchen, he then headed to his computer, which was next to a filing cabinet (containing his PC games), near the window. He opened the top draw – reserved for A-M CD-ROM games – and selected Doom II: Hell on Earth. He then turned on his computer and waited for it to boot up. Once it did that, he logged onto his account and, using Outlook 97, checked his email. Afterwards, he went onto his game and set up a LAN multiplayer game. Before he started it, he took out his cell phone and put it on the file cabinet.

Over an hour later, Edd was having another Deathmatch, this time he was playing on the Dead Simple map (Map07). Being chased by an opponent who was firing a pistol at him, he took out his Super Shotgun and fragged the opponent. With 15 seconds remaining, he whipped out a BFG9000, and fired it at the two green marines and a blue marine, killing them both. He then wandered around fragging enemies until the match was over.

When it was over, he found out that he won by 5 frags. At that moment, he heard his phone going off. He then pushed himself away from the computer and grabbed his cell phone. 'Hello?'

'Hey, Double D. It's Eddy.'

'Greetings, Eddy. I just finished a Deathmatch on Doom II: Hell on Earth.'

'Nice! Who won?'

'I did.' Edd replied. 'It was using the BFG in the last ten seconds that sealed my victory.'

'Congratulations.' Eddy snidely remarked. 'So you wanna go for a drink later?'

'Sure do. But a few questions.'

'I'm listenin'.'

'Do I meet you there?'

'If you want.'

Edd put down his mobile phone and went to get a piece of paper and a pen. Luckily, he found them on top of his computer tower. Five seconds later, he responded 'It's best that I do as I live closer to the bar than you do.'

'Fine.'

Edd then wrote himself a reminder to meet Ed and Eddy at the bar. 'Next, what time should I be leaving?'

'9? 9:30?'

'Alright, I can ask Marie if she can drive me there. She's on duty, tonight.'

'Gee, thanks, Mr. Exposition.' Eddy sarcastically broke the fourth wall. 'Anything else?'

Edd paused, thinking for a few seconds. 'We could get a taxi home as my apartment's not too far away from yours.'

'Are you done explaining things to the readers?'

'Yes.'

'OK. So... Meet you there.'

'Will do. Bye, Eddy.'

'See ya.'

He then finished writing down a reminder and then turned off his game. He dialled Marie's phone, waiting for a response. 'Marie K.' The voice on the other line said.

'Hello, Marie? It's Double D here.'

'How can I help you?' She purred.

'I'm meeting Ed and Eddy down at the bar later and I'm wondering if you'll be kind enough to give me a lift.'

'Sure, no problem. I'll be off at 9, might come for you at 9:15.'

'That'll be lovely. Thank you!'

'Don't mention it. See ya.' She then hung up on him.

Now all Edd had to do now was wait for later...

(~~~)

A/N: KMFDM SUCKS! (please note: Actually Google that before insulting me)

Though, sadly, I introduced my OC early, he won't have a slightly larger role until Chapter 5 or 6. And even then, I'm not going to shoehorn him in when he's not needed. Also, sorry if I didn't properly explain a few things about Edd's life, but the best case scenario is that I remember/expand in a future chapter.

And now, it's time to add more explanations:

1. When he was 19, Edd took up smoking. Then again, you can't blame him if you had to go through what he went through.

2. Though I gave a vague description of people, it basically allows you to use your imagination to fill in the gaps. Who knows, I might use them again later...

3. How many of you read this story thinking that Edd was wearing that weird hat with the propeller? Now read it again, but this time, replace the word "beanie" with "knit cap" or whatever you call those hats.

4. Edd has a huge amount of PC games, including Wolfenstein 3D; Ultimate Doom (which he categorises as Doom); Doom II: Hell on Earth; Duke Nukem 3D; Rise of the Triad; SimCity 2000; Quake; and Age of Empires, to name a few.

5. Apart from Super Mario 64, he also owns Doom 64; Mario Kart 64; Pilotwings 64; Bomberman 64; StarFox 64; GoldenEye 007; and Turok: Dinosaur Hunter. Again, he has a few more N64 games, but that was just a small list.

6. I have a faint idea why I made Edd bi, mainly due to the fact that he showed signs of "going both ways" in the original show. I would go off on a pointless rant, but I think we all get the point.

7. Using the "magic" of Wikipedia (where I'm taking a HUGE gamble), the Archard equation describes sliding wear; the Lorentz factor appears several times in special relativity; and I think we're all familiar with E=MC^2. I know I'm wrong, or haven't explained enough, so feel free to correct me.

8. Yes, they had laptops and cell phones back then. However, cell phones were initially big and bulky (Vice city's your best example here). Later on, they became smaller and more portable, but still somewhat expensive (the phone Edd has cost $1000 on release, he managed to afford it due to his lottery card earning him $2000). Some laptops were expensive and/or had short battery lives.

And, unless I can come up with anything else to add, I'm going to leave it at that. So, next time, we'll look at Ed's day. 'Til then, take care.


	3. Chapter 3: Work, Work, Work

Edarchy

Chapter 3: "Work, Work, Work..."

Disclaimer: I don't own Ed, Edd n Eddy, blah, blah, blah.

A/N: Well, here's Ed's morning. What else can I add? Apart from a) I apologise for using "carton" instead of "packet"; b) I'll be reusing a few things from Chapter 1 (then again, it's OK because the first three chapters of this story take place on the same morning/afternoon and overlap at certain points); c) I'm unsure if Doom deathmatches had time limits (I highly doubt it), but if they don't, then I'll pull an explanation from the inner depths of my rectum.

(~~~)

Despite being 22 years old – his birthday being last month – Ed was still living with his parents and his sister Sarah. His room was pretty much the same as it was all those years ago, except, on his ceiling, was a poster for the notorious "video nasty" Cannibal Holocaust, which was his favourite film; a photo from his birthday party at Automaton's Lair; a shelf full of his CDs; and his rhythm guitar.

In 1995, whilst he was still in college, he came across a flyer asking for a rhythm guitarist. As he had played guitar since February '93 (when he got the guitar as a birthday present from his mother), he applied for it. After going to the drummer's house to audition for the part, he wowed them by playing Jesus Built My Hotrod (Ministry); Antisocial (Trust, later covered by Anthrax); and a composition he wrote the day before called "Eagle" (which was later expanded and put on their demo album). After they got a full band – a lead singer/lead guitarist; bass guitarist; rhythm guitarist; and drummer – they named themselves "Monster Condo" after the bassist's favourite level in Doom II. As he is also a huge comics fan – and quite the artist himself – he also does their artwork.

It was now 7:35am and Ed was sleeping peacefully in his bed. A couple of seconds later, Sarah ripped the door off its hinges and the resulting loud noise woke Ed up. This was weird, considering how, 16 days ago, Ed slept through the time a couple of burglars tried stealing from Rolf and he attacked them (then again, they did try to rob a 7'2" farm labourer and then threaten to harm one of his cows. Brilliant idea, that). 'ED!' She shrieked. She was pretty much the same as she was almost a decade ago, except now she's 5'11" and she wears her hair in a ponytail.

'Wha-what?' Ed was startled.

'Have you seen my bag?'

'No I haven't, baby sister.' He then went back to sleep.

A minute later, she found her bag and hit Ed over the head with it. You may not think that's much but watch the episode Truth or Ed and pay attention to what she picks up when she has a fight with Nazz. 'It was in the dryer, for some reason.' Ed opened his mouth, trying to come up with an explanation. After realising that he's got nothing to say, he closed it again. 'Mom and dad have already left for work and I'm going over to Jimmy's to hang out. Toast's in the kitchen...'

But before she could finish her sentence, Ed, who was wearing a pair of grey rotten Y-fronts, dashed out of bed and ran to the kitchen. Sarah rolled her eyes and walked back upstairs, holding her bag.

In the kitchen, Ed picked up the toast rack, which still had buttered toast in it, and shoved it into his mouth. By the time Sarah arrived back at the kitchen, Ed took the toast rack out and put it back on the table. '_I must remind myself to burn that later._' She thought to herself.

A couple of minutes later, Sarah left the house and headed off to Jimmy's. Ed then went downstairs and leaped into his dryer. A couple of seconds later, he came out dressed in his trademark jacket and jeans, as well as his Monster Condo shirt. He then walked to beside the dryer and put on his shoes. He then walked back into his room, picked up his guitar and started playing it.

The time was now 8:28am. Four minutes ago, Jimmy and Sarah made their way to school in his 1987 Ford Escort. Ed, who was now wearing his name tag, went to the kitchen and grabbed a can of Red Bull. He opened it and drank its contents. He then went back into his room and grabbed his personal copy of the Doom comic – which he got at a video game convention he went to with Edd and Eddy – that was hiding underneath the bed. He opened it and started reading it. Unlike Edd and Eddy, he doesn't own a console and/or a PC, let alone a copy of Doom, so he has to make do with his comics and his guitar.

Seven minutes and three pages later, Ed heard a knock at the door. He put his book back underneath his bed and rushed upstairs to see who it was. He opened the door and found out it was Eddy. 'HIYA, EDDY!'

'You ready to go, Lumpy?' Eddy sighed.

Ed nodded. After locking his door and taking the key with him (which I should've mentioned in Chapter 1), they both walked over to the "Eddymobile" and got in. After they both put on their seatbelts, Eddy started the van and drove off. When they got out of the cul-de-sac, Ed asked 'Eddy, can I turn on the radio?'

'Why the hell you askin' me, Ed? Do it.'

Ed squeed and turned on the radio. The first station that came up was a talk station, where they were discussing the upcoming mayoral election, due to take place on May 14th. He then turned the dial, selecting a rap station, but changed it considering how he's not a huge fan. He then tuned in to another station. 'Next up on Top 40...'

He then chose a different station and the non-sound of dead air filled the vehicle. Eventually, he came across a metal station, with "Engel" by Rammstein playing. Ed was singing along to it, much to Eddy's chagrin. 'Gott weiß ich will kein Engel sein...' Ed belted out, slightly out of tune. He may be a good guitarist (and flautist), but he's a terrible singer (and violinist).

At exactly 9am, the two arrived at Automaton's Lair. Ed got out of the car and went into the building. At that exact moment, Eddy drove off, maybe to get some much needed sleep. Inside the store, the walls were peach-coloured adorned with posters of various comic book characters, whereas the floor was a white carpet. One side was devoted to the latest Marvel comics whereas opposite them (closest to the window) was for the latest DC. In between them was a selection of comics from other companies, as well as any "old" comics that people needed. On the far side, away from the counter, was a door that led to a smaller subsection, containing memorabilia and toys. And, just in front of the counter was a "bargain bin", mostly containing really bad comics.

Just as he walked into the stock room, his manager walked in. He was a bald man with a brown soul patch, wearing a blue suit, yellow shirt, no tie and black loafers. 'Good morning, Ed.' He said in a Minnesotan accent.

'Hi there, Mr. Anderson!' He waved back.

'Ed, we've been over this nearly 100 times. You can call me Bob.'

'OK, Bob.'

'Thanks.' Bob walked to his desk. 'You're on counter duty today.'

Ed then walked over to the counter and waited for customers. Then, at 9:13am, two college students walked into the store, both of them male. The first one had blond hair and was wearing a shirt for the Lithuanian national football team, blue denim jeans and a pair of Converses. The second one had the same hair colour and was wearing a blue and white tracksuit with white trainers. As they were both entering the store, they were arguing over who'd win in a fight between Batman and Wolverine.

As they both went to the opposite sides of the store – "Lithuania shirt" getting a Batman comic whereas "Tracksuit guy" was getting an X-Men comic. 'You're forgetting about his healing factor.' TG told LS.

'Dude.' LS rebutted. 'He could use a Batarang to catch him off guard.'

The two of them walked up to the counter and paid for their comics. As they walked to the door, they resumed their argument. When they were out of the shops, Ed said to himself. 'Evil Tim would win.'

As it was a Monday, the start of a work week, business was slow at first. To pass the time, Ed took out his personal copy of Batman #405 and started reading it.

At about 12:30pm, Bob walked into the main room. 'Hey, Ed. I'm about to order a pizza. You want one? It's on me.'

'OK, Bob. I'll just have a large meat feast.' Ed replied.

'Alright, I'll be in the other room.' He then walked back to his desk and picked up the phone. He dialled the number and waited. 'Yeah, hi. Can I have...'

At 1:13pm, there was a knock on the door. At that point, Bob opened the door, took the pizzas and gave the delivery boy $35 - $17.55 for the pizzas and $17.45 tip. Bob set down the first pizza on the counter, and carried his pizza – a medium cheese and tomato – into the stockroom. Ed opened the box and took a slice. He then started eating it, trying to keep it from spilling onto his comic.

At around 2pm, he finished his comic. Both pizza boxes were in a recycling bin behind the store. Ed was drumming his fingers on the counter when two more people walked into the store. They bought some comics and left. A couple of minutes later, a few more people were coming into the shop. This was when business was starting to pick up.

He then remembered why he started working here in the first place. In 1994, he noticed a help wanted sign. As the original owner's health was declining and Bob – who, at the time, was just a cashier – was off on holiday for a few weeks, he decided to apply. Having been a regular there since 1989, he pretty much got the job to pay his way through college (where he was studying art), which was lucky considering that he was the only applicant. In July '96, the original owner sadly died (at the ripe old age of 95) and Bob took over and ended up becoming like a father figure to Ed.

At 4pm, it had started dying down. At that point, Ed slouched over the counter. Though a few people came and went at different points, with another argument just like the one earlier this morning, it was primarily quiet. He then walked around, checking to see how many comics had been sold and how many remain.

It was now 4:59PM. Bob walked into the main room and spoke to Ed. 'Well... I have to see how much money we made, calculate how many comics I had to buy and then see if I made a profit or a loss. And then afterwards, I'm going to see if this kid really can score 50 frags in 6 minutes.' And the sound you are now hearing is me digging another plot hole to fill the first one.

Fifteen seconds later, Eddy arrived, at the exact time Bob flipped the sign round. Ed then walked out the door with a copy of Evil Tim vs. Deadpool – that he bought himself three minutes ago – underneath his arm. 'Hi, Eddy!' Ed opened the door and got in.

'Hey, Ed.' Eddy rolled down his window just as Ed was putting his comic on the backseat and putting on his seatbelt.

He turned on the radio and tuned into the station he and Ed were listening to earlier. A generic heavy guitar riff was playing in the background whilst the voiceover announced 'You're listening to S-T-I-L FM, the all-metal station'.

There was a second or two of silence before Hangar 18 by Megadeth was playing on the radio. Ed wanted to turn it up but Eddy stopped him. 'So, Ed...'

'Yeah, Eddy?'

'Fancy a drink later?'

'Sure. Just lemme finish my comic first.'

'There's no rush, burrhead. I gotta get to work on my résumé first.'

'Your what?' Ed was confused.

Eddy sighed in exasperation. 'That piece of paper which helps you get a job. Remember?' Ed shook his head. 'Double D helped you with yours.'

'Oh, I remember.'

'Yes...' Afterward, they stopped talking for the rest of the trip and Ed just went back to headbanging.

A while later, they arrived back at the cul-de-sac. Just as they were pulling into Eddy's driveway, Ed turned off the radio, which was playing a gum commercial. Eddy turned off the van, took off his seatbelt and got out, Ed doing the same a second later. 'So I'll see ya 'round...' Eddy paused to come up with a time. '9? 9:30?'

'OK, Eddy!' Ed gave Eddy a thumbs up and then walked back to his house, with the comic stuffed in his jacket. He opened the door and walked to his room, trying to get past Sarah, who was sitting on the couch watching TV. He managed to do so, even though there was absolutely no point in doing so, and opened the door that led to the basement, where his room was. When he got into his room, he put his comic on the bed – the cover showing a shadowy figure holding Deadpool, who's commenting on the situation, as if it's going to eat him – and put his nametag on a table. He then leapt onto his bed and starting reading his comic, waiting for later that night.

(~~~)

A/N: Much shorter than the first two chapters (those were 3000+ words long, whereas this is over 2,000 words) and an opening that's more suitable for midway through the story than beginning it. Still, at least it's somewhat satisfying to see Ed's morning and answering a couple of questions. And here are a couple more explanations, for no reason at all.

If you think Ed being woken up by Sarah was weird, then you're probably right. Then again, sometime in January '98, two robbers tried burgling Rolf's house (they didn't steal anything. Instead they got pummelled). Despite a fair amount of loud noises, with Rolf insulting them at the top of his lungs, Ed pretty much slept through it all. I will expand on it in the next chapter, by the way.

Originally, in "ERaF" ("Edco: Rise and Fall", a fan fiction I scrapped), Bob was originally Eddy's deceased uncle's lawyer. After the funeral, Bob would've given Eddy the inheritance and would appear three more times – two chapters were cameos and another one would've elaborated on a few things. Instead of getting rid of the character, I reworked him into Ed's manager – a former amateur boxer who just so happens to be a comic book fan.

"Lithuania Shirt" (LS) and "Tracksuit Guy" (TG) will also appear later on, being given personalities and actual names. Like my original OC (who first appeared in a cameo in the last chapter) and Bob, they won't be shoehorned in when it's unnecessary.

I'm not a huge comic book fan, sadly. I don't hate comics, I just don't read them that much. As proved in the last two chapters, I'm more of a retro gamer.

Note that, unlike Chapters 1 and 2, I haven't included Ed's sexuality. That'll be revealed in a future chapter (remember that this takes place over a few years, so there's no rush). Will he swing both ways like his two best friends; or will he only be interested in one gender. Or, alternatively, will he be like a pendulum where the string (or whatever) is missing? Only time will tell...

They did have televisions, as well as laptops and cell phones, back then. This is not me insulting your intelligence, but a bit of self-deprecation – In the first chapter, I explained that cell phones existed back in 1998 (they were expensive and, originally, big and bulky). In the next chapter, I explained how the main OC has a laptop and, without realising it, I talked about cell phones again! By the way, I know something's not funny if you have to explain it (though there are a few cases), but here I wasn't being funny. I was just acknowledging an error I made.

And now, that I've finished all three Eds' mornings, all I have to do is to get started on chapter 4. Hopefully, it'll be as good (or even better) than the first three.


	4. Chapter 4: A Night on the Town

Edarchy

Chapter 4: A Night on the Town

Disclaimer: not owned by Ed, Edd n Eddy. This was a section of the song of the crab. If you know know the drill.

A/N: Well, after the possible clusterfuck that was the last chapter, I think it's about time to start this next one. First, I'll start off with Eddy's evening, then I'll go onto Ed's. After we see Edd's evening (and Marie giving him a lift), we'll then cut to Ed and Eddy walking to the bar, where they'll meet Edd, who's smoking a cigarette outside. After all that, we'll finally get to the bar.

In this chapter, we'll first meet Rolf (and, to an extent, Gerta the goat milker); Jonny (who still has Plank after all these years); Kevin (karma finally bit him in the arse) and Marie (whom I've previously talked about, but here we finally meet her). Also, this is where it starts getting comedic. Sometimes, it'll be dark and cynical, sometimes it'll be light-hearted and – at ten points (of a zillion chapter story) – there might be a bit of blue humour.

(~~~)

It was 6:55pm. Eddy was sitting at home, reading Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream. It was his favourite book, after picking up a copy during Spring Break '97. During a bar crawl that he and Ed were having, a couple of people compared them to Raoul Duke and Dr. Gonzo. So that they didn't forget, one of them, who was probably the only non-staff who was sober – wrote down the name of the book (as the film didn't come out until May '98) on a cocktail napkin and put it in Eddy's jacket. When he sobered up – which wasn't until 5pm the next day, for fairly obvious reasons – he bought a copy of the book and put it in his suitcase. After Spring Break was over and he read FaLiLV, he then bought Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail '72, by the same author (Hunter S. Thompson), which then became his third favourite book, losing out to The Emperor Wears No Clothes.

He then turned the page, put in a bookmark and closed the book. He then put the book back on a bookshelf and jogged towards his personal bathroom. After using the toilet, he entered his Closet of Dreams and picked up a fresh towel. Once he put his clothes on his bed, he then headed into the shower and turned it on.

(-)

Meanwhile, Ed was a quarter of the way through his comic. So far, Deadpool was running away from Evil Tim and was looking for a distraction. And then a voice erupted from upstairs. 'ED!'

But it wasn't from his comic, obviously. It was from Sarah. Ed then put his comic down and ran upstairs, to see what it was. It turns out dinner was ready and they were having meatloaf. After he finished it, he put his plate back in the sink, grabbed a can of Coke from the fridge and ran back downstairs to finish his comic.

The time was now 7:36pm. Ed had finished his comic – Deadpool won but Evil Tim survived – and put it on his table. He then got out his wallet to see if he had any money. He opened, finding out that he has about $25 on him. 'Just enough for a few beers.' He said to himself.

(-)

It was now 8:57pm. Whilst Ed was busy watching TV with Sarah and their parents, and Eddy was playing his game, Edd was checking to see how much money he had on him. He checked his wallet and found $30. He then smiled, as that meant he had more than enough to get drunk with. He then put his wallet into the back pocket of his cargo pants and decided to watch a little bit of TV.

19 minutes later, he heard a car pull up his intercom ring. He turned off his TV and walked up to the telephone, allowing him to communicate with the person who wanted to meet him. 'Hello, can I help you?' He asked.

'It's Marie. I'm wonderin' if you're ready.'

'Hello, Marie. Just let me do a couple of things and then I'll meet you.'

'OK, I'll just be outside when you're ready.'

'I'll see you in a minute.' He then put the phone back on the hook and walked to the toilet, closing the door.

(-)

At the same time, Eddy was outside, walking over to Ed's house. He then knocked on the door and waited. Sarah answered the door, asking 'What do you want, fuckface?'

'Chill, Sarah. I'm here for Ed.' Eddy calmly replied before thinking _Huh, I never said "Chill" like that before._

At that point, Ed came running to the door. 'Hey, Eddy.' He then walked outside, squeezing past Eddy.

'Hold it.' Sarah looked at them both suspiciously. 'Where are you both going?'

'Out.' Eddy answered her question. 'For a drink.'

'Alright. But you're not coming home drunk again, Ed. We don't want a repeat of last time...' She shivered in disgust at what happened.

'Don't worry. I might let him sleep at mine.'

At that point, both Ed and Eddy walked to the bar. It wasn't far for them to walk and, since they're both going to drink plenty of alcohol, there was no need for the latter to drive the "Eddymobile".

(-)

Across town, Edd walked outside and was greeted by Marie, sitting in her car. She still looked the same as she did all those years ago, except now she wears a black leather jacket, she got rid of her freckles (literally, she picked them off after realising that she's a cartoon character) and she grew her hair at the back. 'Hey Double D.'

'Hello, Marie.' He said as he got into her car. It was a blue and white 1966 Shelby GT350, a car she bought three years ago in near-working condition (all she had to do was replace the engine and gearbox, as well as carry out some repair work). Edd then looked around for a little bit before he tried starting up a conversation. 'So... How was your day?'

'It was OK. Slept in until about 2, spent the rest of the day playing Earthbound.'

'Interesting.' He nodded. 'I got up; had a run; went for a shower; played some Mario 64; went to work; came back; and played some Doom.'

He then sighed, reclining in his seat. A few seconds passed before Marie broke the silence. 'I beat SNES Doom yesterday.'

'How was it?' He asked.

'Really fucking difficult.' They both laughed. 'I had 5% health before I finally killed the Spiderdemon.'

They both sighed. There were a few more seconds of silence before Edd spoke. 'Why did we ever break up?'

'Dunno.' Marie replied. 'Just one of those things.'

It was now 9:29pm. After some more uncomfortable silence, they both arrived at the bar. It was a dull, grey building with a neon sign above the entrance saying "The Dive", with a sign next to the door reading "Patrons must be at least 21 years of age before entering". After driving into a parking space, Edd and Marie got out of the car. 'I'm going to go in and get to work. See ya in a bit.' She then kissed Edd on the cheek and walked in.

Edd smiled, leaned against a wall and took out a cigarette. After pulling his lighter from out of his beanie, he lit his cigarette and smoked it, waiting for Ed and Eddy to arrive. A couple of minutes later, they did. 'Hey, Double D.' Ed waved.

'Salutations, gentlemen. Just let me conclude this cigarette and I shall join you.' He paused, wondering why he didn't speak like this earlier.

'OK, we'll see ya inside.' Eddy responded as he and Ed walked in.

A couple of minutes AFTER that, he joined his two friends at a booth. Inside, the room was white with a dark brown carpet, with pictures of various alcoholic beverages and people on the walls. Near the windows – which were green and purple diamond pattern, somewhat like Moe's Tavern, again from The Simpsons – there were booths, one of which was occupied by the Eds. Opposite them was the bar, where Marie (sans jacket) is making a vodka martini for someone, shelves of bottles behind her and a few bar stools in front of the bar. In between them was a series of tables and chairs, most of which were occupied by people. Next to the bar was a door that leads to the toilets and, on the table closest to that door, was Lithuania Shirt, Tracksuit Guy and the "best customer" from Chapter 2.

We then cut to the Eds, who were sitting at the boot closest to the entrance/exit. Ed was sat closest to the window, with Edd sitting furthest away from the door and Eddy was opposite him. Ed and Eddy were drinking a maßkrug of beer, whereas Edd was having a gin and tonic (with a slice of lime) in a highball. 'So...' Edd began his riddle. 'A man and his son are involved in a car accident. The man, unfortunately, dies, presumably from his injuries. Just as the son is rushed into the operating theatre, the surgeon goes "That's my son!"' Ed and Eddy nodded. 'How was this possible?'

'The surgeon's the man's life partner?' Eddy uninterestedly guessed.

'Incorrect.' Edd responded.

'So gays can't be surgeons?' Eddy responded. 'Homophobe.'

Edd facepalmed before turning to the person next to him. 'Ed?'

'Maybe the man's soul forced himself into the surgeon!' Ed smiled.

'Feasible...' Edd was having difficulty wondering how that was possible, but shrugged it off.

'Wait. He's closer to the answer than I am?' Eddy was confused. 'What the fuck?'

'Maybe the author's trying to screw you over.' Edd took a sip of his drink after breaking the fourth wall.

Fifteen minutes later, Ed and Eddy were on their second maßkrug whereas Edd was finishing his gin and tonic. At that point, Rolf and Gerta walked in. He wore and looked the same as he did in the original show, except he was now 7'2", had some stubble, had an eyepatch over his left eye after he lost it in a tractor accident and wore a grey linen duster that was done up; she was 6'3" had a blonde braided ponytail, a black cardigan with a white undershirt, grey sweatpants and black Vans. 'Ed boys!' He greeted the Eds. Though his voice is much deeper than it was, it would sometimes become high-pitched if he was yelling really loudly.

'Hi, Rolf.' They said in unison. 'Hi, Gerta.'

'Hi.' She spoke in a soft South Norwegian dialect.

'Rolf wanted a night on the town, so the son of a shepherd decided to go drinking.' Despite living in The State for over a decade, he still refers to himself in the third person. 'And Gerta came along, of course.'

'Uh-huh, interesting.' Eddy said, bemused. Meanwhile, Edd had finished his drink, went up to the bar and ordered another gin and tonic.

An hour had passed. Ed had spotted something on the wall and read it out loud. "This bar was opened in 1909 by Franklin Killman and David Ryder."

'David Ryder?' Eddy was slurring his speech because of the amount of beer he and Ed drank. 'Where have I heard that name before?' He paused for 15 seconds. 'Oh yeah, Slab Bulkhead!' He sounded like Crow from MST3K, his favourite TV show.

'Punch Sideiron!' Ed responded, sounding like Tom Servo, another MST3K character.

'Crud Bonemeal!'

'Butch Deadlift!'

'Rip Steakface!'

'Dirk Hardpec!'

They both looked at Edd, hoping that he'd contribute. He looked both ways, biting his lip, before looking down and sighing. He then mumbled, although it was loud enough for Ed and Eddy to hear 'Bob Johnson.' He sounded like Mike, the host from 1993-1999, when the show ended.

Ed and Eddy both guffawed drunkenly. ''Scuse me.' Eddy got up and stumbled to the toilet, walking past Kevin, Jonny Tubifor (pronounced "two-by-four". Yes, that's his real name) and Plank. Whereas Jonny looked and dressed the same as he did years ago, Kevin now has his hair back (and it's done in the same style it was during his flashback in Every Which Way But Ed), but also has a ginger goatee; an unbuttoned red, grey and black flannel shirt; a green sleeveless undershirt (in reality it's the same shirt from when he was a kid, he just cut the sleeves off); a pair of tattered black jeans and black shoes. And there was Plank who, despite a little bit rotten and bleached, didn't look any different. In front of "him" was a full bottle of beer with a straw.

Kevin sighed. 'Don't worry, buddy.' Jonny patted his drinking companion on the back. If anything, he still has his annoying screechy voice. 'Me and Plank will buy you another beer!'

'Why do I hang around with this dork?' Kevin muttered. His voice was much deeper than it was years ago.

A minute later, after covering a small amount of his shoes with urine, Eddy was finished at the urinal. He then zipped up his fly and washed his hands. He then noticed a condom machine and pulled out a quarter. 'I-I remember when I used this for jawbreakers.' He reminisced. He then put the quarter in the machine and put the condom in his pocket. 'You may never know...' He said to himself.

He then exited the restroom, the urine mysteriously disappearing from his shoe. He then came across the jukebox. He then took out a nickel and put it in, selecting a song at random. To everyone's enjoyment, it was Tubthumping by Chumbawumba. Everyone sang along to the chorus ("I get knocked down, but I get up again – You're never gonna keep me down."), Marie sang the female vocals whereas Eddy sang the verses ("He drinks a whisky drink, he drinks a vodka drink..."), pointing at random people.

Ten minutes later, Rolf and Greta left the bar. They were then confronted by a mugger, but Rolf managed to knock out the would-be robber in just one punch, despite having little-to-no depth perception. Back in the bar, Ed was so drunk that he could barely stand up, Eddy's eyes were spinning round in his sockets and Edd looked like he was asleep on the table. 'C'mon guys.' He mumbled. 'I'll call a taxi.' He then staggered over to the payphone, trying to get a quarter out of his wallet.

(~~~)

A/N: So, there we have it. And, as usual to explain, this is where I explain a few things:

1. A few months after the movie, Marie started to become aware that she's a cartoon character. This included picking off her freckles (it wasn't actually that disgusting as there wasn't any blood, scarring or anything like that), for example, and eventually culminated in a meeting with Danny Antonucci (feel free to write a story about this). Afterwards, she then realised something: If she and her sisters wouldn't be so "amorous" with the Eds, maybe they'll love them back. It went over as well as you think. And yes, the whole "eventually meeting your creator" thing was a shout out to Animal Man, specifically towards the end of Grant Morrison's run (even MORE specifically: Deus Ex Machina). Gotta love the internet.

2. Again, like in the last chapter, I didn't say anything about which way Jonny goes. EXCEPT, in that chapter, I didn't say anything about Ed because I kept it a secret, whereas here I can safely reveal that Jonny's asexual. No, it's not because I am one, it's merely a coincidence. Instead, once again, there is some canon evidence that he doesn't show interest in girls (except for that one time – Boys Will Be Eds) or guys (though there are a few... moments... especially his relationship with Plank).

3. Though I was about 5 when the show ended (and thus never watched the show when it was TV. Then again, I don't know if it was aired over here in the UK), I'm a fan of MST3K (or Mystery Science Theater 3000), a show where a man (Joel, later replaced by Mike) and two robots (Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot) watch old films and riff on them. Ed and Eddy are also fans, whereas Edd watches it whenever possible. And if you're a fellow MSTie (a fan of the show, much like how Trekkies/Trekkers – either one – are fans of Star Trek), I'm not insulting your intelligence, I'm just letting people who haven't seen the show know that it exists.

4. Rolf and Gerta are married and have been since 1996 (they were both born in 1972). You may think this is out of character for him, considering how in both the aforementioned Boys Will Be Eds and also the Valentine's Day special (Hanky Panky Hullabaloo), he didn't show any interest in romance – if anything, in the latter, he squirted lemons into his eyes before battling Sarah and Jimmy (who were Cupids) with a mop. As always, feel free to come up with your own theories.

5. WORDSWORDSWORDS.

6. In the episode Take This Ed And Shove It, Rolf had an eyepatch on his left eye. Though we don't know if the episode is fully canon or not, I thought I should explain why he's got an eyepatch. However, due to his height, I don't think he'll actually live to be in his 100s.

7. The disclaimer is supposed to be like that. It's basically "Disclaimer: I don't own Ed, Edd n Eddy. There is a song that's on later in this chapter, which I obviously don't own. And... you know the drill." translated into Japanese and back into English. This repeatedly happened until it couldn't be any more garbled. And no, I didn't do it manually, I used a website.

8. I will definitely do more with Kevin. I don't know what, but I do know that I'll show how karma eventually got him. Furthermore, no matter what you thought of him during the original show, you may end up feeling sorry for him in this story. Watch this space.

9. Marie being a bartender may be a reference to Urban Eds, a story by Yunaman (sorry for not asking your permission first, but at least I'm crediting you!); and the gin and tonic is definitely a tribute to AdultEd by an old friend of mine [rockpaperscizzorz], who helped me out back when I was a noob (and sometime during my "douche" period).

10. As I've previously mentioned, I only describe the basics (hair, clothes and anything else worth mentioning) of an OC or a grown-up character. This is to allow you to fill in the blanks. Why am I mentioning this again? Because I leave out cup sizes, "for obvious reasons". However, don't get TOO overboard, we don't want any "40LL cup breasts" or anything like that (read Naruto Veangance Revelaitons [sic]. Before you gouge your eyes out, skip to chapter 70 of that story, as well as read chapters 19 and 31 for explanations).

11. Ceci n'est pas une explication.

After padding out the rest of the chapter with some explanations, I think it's about time to start chapter 5 and, not only will the Eds have to deal with a hangover, but my main OC will be formally introduced. Hopefully, I won't turn him into a Mary Sue, but, just in case, please let me know.


	5. Chapter 5: Stinking Drunk

Edarchy

Chapter 5: Stinking Drunk

Disclaimer: I don't own Ed, Edd n Eddy. We all know that. I also don't own a few other things.

A/N: Not only is this the "thrilling" conclusion to the last chapter, but it's also the end of the opening story arc. Yay. Now I have a few chapters of filler to write whilst I think up my next arc. Unless, of course, I genuinely remember the "series of random events" bit I wrote in the summary. And no, I'm not going to slip to several months later, nor will I skip to 1999 and get it over with.

So, as I've said, this follows the Eds' night at the bar. I'll also explain why Ed and Edd aren't at work and formally introduce my main OC (so called because he would've been a main character in a scrapped fan fiction. Reread the first chapter for more details). Luckily, I won't turn him into a Mary Sue nor will I constantly shoehorn him in for no reason (if anything, my favourite character so far – and indeed from the original show itself – is Plank). Alright, now let's begin.

(~~~)

It was 9:54am on March 24th, 1998. Of course, you know that, considering that this is a follow on from the day before, but I thought I might put it in for those who skipped the first four chapters. Anyhoo, Eddy was asleep – on his front – in his bed. Surprisingly, his bedroom wasn't damaged in anyway and everything was in order, although Eddy did turn off his alarm before going out. Like yesterday, all was peaceful, until he got up.

After about 8 seconds of trying, Eddy finally managed to open his eyes. And, almost instantly, he covered them with his hamds, though it's not because of any bright lights or anything like that, but rather because it was painful. After about two minutes of moving his limbs about to see if they still work, he dragged himself out of bed. He was still in the suit he wore the day before, which, surprisingly, wasn't tattered or damaged in any way, shape or form. He then breathed a sigh of relief and slouched to the kitchen.

He walked past Ed and Edd, who were sleeping in a spooning position on the couch. When he got into the kitchen he opened up a cupboard and got out the bottle of gin. He opened it and, without stopping to breathe, drank the whole thing. I shouldn't tell you that this is a bad idea because you should already know that. He then put the bottle on the counter and stumbled back into the living room. After trying to wake his two friends, he then turned on the TV, which was showing a really loud war film.

Ed, who was in front of Edd, fell off the couch and landed on the floor. 'Hey, Eddy.' He croaked, still relatively drunk.

'Were you two...?' Eddy mumbled.

'No.' Ed responded.

'I don't really care, it's too early and I'm too hungover.' Eddy rubbed his head. ''Sides, I just downed a bottle of gin.'

Ed eventually got up from the floor. He then poked Edd, who then got up. 'Morning.' Ed and Eddy greeted their friend.

'Good morning, fellows.' He rubbed his eyes, trying to remember what happened.

'I'm going to go over to Dracula's and then I'll start making some bacon omelettes.' Eddy said. 'Huh, when I was hungry yesterday, why didn't I check the fridge?'

'You know I don't eat bacon.' Edd reminded.

'Why?' Eddy asked, referring to my previous fan fictions. 'Are you an Is...?'

'No.' Edd interrupted, out of character. 'I'm a vegetarian.'

'Right, right, now I remember.' Eddy then opened the front door and walked over to Rolf's.

About 15 minutes later, he returned with about 10 eggs. 'Don't ask, but there's a guy asleep on the lawn.'

'Why?' Ed and Edd asked in unison.

Eddy facepalmed and the started getting to work on the omelettes. Despite getting an F in cooking, he's actually quite good at making omelettes, much like how Nazz is – apparently – good at making mac and cheese despite having a D in cooking. After a few minutes, he finished and shouted. 'Ed, you're up!'

Ed then ran into the kitchen, picked up the omelette with his hands and stuffed it into his mouth, swallowing it whole. 'Yum!' He smiled.

Eddy's already bloodshot eyes widened in disbelief and, at that point, he started making Edd's omelette. In the same time it took him to make Ed's omelette, he then called Edd. 'Double D!'

'Coming, Eddy.' He then got up and walked over to the kitchen. Eddy had put it on a plate and Edd got out a knife and fork. He then walked back into the living room and ate it in there.

'Right, now it's time for mine.' Eddy rubbed his hands. Normally, he'd open up a different cupboard, enter a 4-digit code and get out a few bottles of booze to mix in, but then he DID just drink an entire bottle of gin, so it was probably a good idea not to have any more alcohol for the time being.

About 24 minutes later after Eddy made and ate his omelette; he went outside and tried to wake the man on the front lawn. He opened the front door and walked up to the man. 'Hey.' He tried waking him up, but there was no response. 'HEY!' again, nothing happened. Eddy tried poking him with his finger a few times, to no avail. It wasn't until he poked him with a stick that there was finally a response – which was him whacking the stick away with his hand.

'Huh, what?' He said, still in a drunken haze, in a voice that sounded like Joel (again, from MST3K) shifted down a couple of pitches.

At that point Ed and Edd walked out, miraculously sober. 'What's the commotion?' Edd asked.

The man rolled over onto his back to reveal that – yes- this was the customer from chapter two (and cameo'd in the last chapter). 'Hey, you're the guy from the coffee shop.' Edd nodded.

'Yeah, Double D. Why ain't you at work?' Eddy asked.

'I'm not scheduled to go into work until tomorrow afternoon.'

'And I'm not at work because Bob had to go somewhere and he won't be back until tomorrow.'

'Thanks, Ed.' Eddy sarcastically congratulated Ed, though you could argue that some of it was directed at me. 'That definitely didn't feel shoehorned in'

The man then got up and turned to Eddy. 'Do you mind if I use your shower or something?'

'Yeah.' Eddy replied. 'Go into my room and it's the door in between the record player and the fireplace... I think...' He didn't forget where it was, he was just making sure he was right.

The time was now 10:39am. Not only had Ed gone home, but also the man was finished in the shower and had gotten changed into the clothes he wore the day before. He then walked into the living room and asked Edd. 'Hey, do you know where the nearest bus stop is and if it goes downtown?'

'Yes.' He responded. 'First, you leave the cul-de-sac and then you go right. Hopefully, there should be a bus stop. Afterwards, you should check if it one of the places listed is your destination. Otherwise, keep going right.'

'Thanks.' He said. 'By the way, my name's Eric.'

'I'm Eddward, with two Ds. But you can call me "Double D".'

Eric nodded and walked to the bus stop. At that point, Eddy, who was now behind Edd, remarked 'This is going to be a very crappy fan fiction, isn't it?'

'At least we're admitting it.' Edd said back. They could've gone broken the fourth wall a little bit more, including why Eddy has a PS1 game (Mortal Kombat II) that was only released in Japan, but then they decided to go upstairs and just play some Twisted Metal, again on the PS1.

(-)

The time was now 12:17pm. Ed was rehearsing with his band over in the drummer's garage, Edd was out buying some games for his PC and/or N64 and Eddy – who was now wearing an inverted version of the shirt he wore in Seasons 1-4, along with a pair of jeans and some grey loafers – was continuing his résumé in his game room. After listing his name (Eddy McGee), his date of birth and a few of his achievements, he was struggling with what to write next. He had bought a copy of the Peach Creek Times and was browsing the Help Wanted section, hoping that it'll give him some ideas. After about half an hour, he stopped. 'Ah, crap.'

He then went downstairs and went into his personal drink collection. After typing in the code, he then got out a bottle of Brennivín, which is an Icelandic potato mash schnapps flavoured with caraway seeds. He then got out a lowball glass and filled it halfway with the drink. After putting the bottle back, he then took a sip of his drink. He then took his glass back upstairs and continued with his résumé. Once he finished, he then checked for mistakes. Once he found out that there weren't any, he then finished his drink, put his résumé in a safe place and went downstairs to watch some television.

After another half hour, he then walked to the phone and called Edd. We then cut to Edd's apartment and him, wearing the same clothes (as in, he has multiple pairs of beanies, army jackets, cargo pants, etc.) as before, sitting on his couch watching TV. After roughly four seconds, he realises that his cell phone is ringing. So he gets it out of one of his many trouser pockets and answers it 'Hello?'

We then go back to Eddy. And, as you can guess, we go back and forth depending on who's speaking. 'Hey Double D, it's Eddy. I'm just wonderin' if you want a coffee or something?'

'OK.' Edd agreed. 'How much have you had to drink?' He asked for no reason at all.

'Half a glass.'

'Of?'

'Brennivín.'

'And what type of glass?'

'Lowball.'

Edd stopped to think. 'I still think I should drive.'

'I think that's a good idea too.' Eddy then hung up for some reason.

After about 24 minutes after the call ended, Edd arrived at Eddy's house. He then got out of his car and knocked on Eddy's door. After about a minute, Eddy then answered the door. 'Ready to go?'

Eddy nodded, walked out of his house, closed the door behind him and the two of them walked to Edd's car. They both got in and Edd started it. Edd then turned on the radio, turning it onto 109 FM, which was playing Bitches Brew, although they had to censor the name slightly because of what time they were playing it. 'So what games did ya get?' Eddy asked Edd.

'I managed to find a copy of Hexen II on sale for $9.99.' Edd replied.

'Interesting... Anything else?'

'No, just that.'

As it turned 1:58pm, they arrived at the Java Hut. Edd parked the car in the parking lot and they both got out. They both then walked to the coffee shop and went inside. As it was towards the end of the lunch period, there weren't as many people there. They both walked up to the counter and ordered a medium cappuccino [Edd] and an espresso. After Eddy got some sugar for his drink, they both sat down.

A minute later, Ed walked in, ordered an iced tea and sat down with his two friends. 'Hey guys!'

'Hello, Ed.' Edd invited Ed to sit down.

'Hi, Ed.' Eddy sighed before pouring a small bottle of Jack Daniels into the cup.

'So, how was practice?' Edd asked.

'It was alright.' Ed smiled, his fingered partially sore.

'Yeah, interesting.' We then see that Eddy is now pouring in some vodka, which was in a hip flask he kept on him.

'And, I don't know who told me this, but I heard that there's going to be an Evil Tim movie!' Ed was euphoric.

'Wait?' Eddy was confused, although the fact that he was now pouring Jägermeister – instead of vodka – into his espresso didn't faze him. 'Didn't Batman and Robin pretty much kill off the comic superhero movie thingy?'

'Evil Tim's a bad guy.' Ed corrected Eddy, who was still feeling apathetic.

'Same thing.' He was still pouring in Jägermeister, as the "camera" hadn't panned over to someone or something else.

'I agree with Eddy.' Edd said. 'After all, since that movie was so terrible, would the public be suspicious about a cinematic adaptation of a comic book character?' Whilst Edd was blabbering on, Eddy poured in a regular-sized bottle of vermouth. 'Furthermore, only the fans of our show, plus the characters in our universe, happen to be aware of Evil Tim's existence.' Ed stared blankly at his drink before shrugging it off and he continued drinking it. We then see Eddy pouring some beer (from a beer keg!) into his drink. 'Hopefully, the makers of said movie will prevent it from being a critical failure.'

'Hopefully.' Ed repeated whilst drinking his drink.

Now Eddy was pouring the contents of a beaker (labelled "Ethyl Alcohol") into his drink. He then put it away... somehow... and stirred his espresso. After a couple of seconds, he downed his drink in one gulp. He then blinked twice and fell out of his seat, onto the floor, passed out.

Ed and Edd got out of their seats to check on their friend. 'Not again.' The latter facepalmed, faintly remembering that Eddy was the first to pass out. Or second, if you count Eric.

After 30 seconds, Eddy got up and, thanks to the impossible sudden caffeine rush he acquired, ran home to finish his résumé. 'Is that possible?' Ed asked.

'Read the previous paragraph, Ed.' Edd replied. After they both finished their drinks, they both walked to Edd's car. 'You want a ride home?'

'Nah.' Ed replied. 'I'm good.' As Ed walked away, Edd got into his car and drove home.

(~~~)

A/N: So there we have it. And now we wait for me to come up with something. Hopefully, I would've come up with something by Chapter 8. Feel free to submit your ideas – via review or PM – if you want. And, as usual, it's now time for me to explain things.

1. I highly doubt that you can go up to 109 on an FM band. Though, to be honest 109 FM is actually 107.9 – the name comes from the fact that their slogan is "One beyond". Then again, it IS a jazz station...

2. Yes, Mortal Kombat II for PS1 was only released in Japan. Sorry for not doing the research. So, I'm gonna retcon that out.

3. Eddy adding different alcoholic drinks to his coffee every time "the camera pans over to him" (for lack of a better description) is basically a parody of continuity errors. Also him adding more and more drinks to it was originally planned for "ERaF", but, as we all know, I scrapped that story. But don't worry, I'm not using Eddy's drinking as a lame attempt for humour (this isn't Family Guy, y'know. Even this story's not as bad as the later episodes) – in fact, I might do an arc of him giving up the stuff (though that might not happen until 2000). Oh, and just to be on the safe side: Mixing different alcoholic drinks into your coffee may be fatal. Hell, if you DO survive, it might not even taste good!

4. Ed and Edd spooning – Foreshadowing or just a one-off? Who knows? I do. Who cares? I don't.

5. I know that Batman and Robin was so bad that there weren't any Batman movies for a while. But I'm not too sure if this spread to all movies based off of comic books and/or if people were unsure to see any. Hmmm... Maybe the movie-going public in my story are a bit snobbish when it comes to movies. If so, it's unintentional.

6. Though, in the next chapter, I'm going to show Eric's morning, the whole chapter won't be centred on him. If anything, he'll show up from time to time in the story, but he won't be shoehorned into every chapter when it's not necessary (same goes for everyone). Another thing I should add is that I'll be fleshing out everyone, so they don't seem boring and one-note (so we'll see what Eric does for a living, Bob's life outside of comics, how karma caught up with Kevin, more about Ed's band, etc.)

7. In the last chapter, I mentioned that most of the humour would be dark. Actually, that may not be true, considering that black comedy (comedy from serious situations like death, abuse and so on) isn't really that easy to pull off. Then again, this isn't really a comedy, just a story with a funny moment every now and again. But, if I think it may be possible to create a few laughs from a serious situation (or a character makes a joke about something that has happened in the past, even if it didn't affect them), I'll put it in.

I think that may be it for this chapter. If I've left anything out, please let me know and I shall, hopefully, clear it up for you. Take care.


	6. Chapter 6: Chapter o' Filler

Edarchy

Chapter 6: Chapter o' Filler

Disclaimer: I don't own EEnE, as we all know. Also, a lot of industrial bands are mentioned in this chapter. If you exclude being a fan, none of them have anything to do with me.

A/N: So, here we are. We look at a typical morning for Eric, the character I formally introduced in the previous chapter. As previously explained, he and I share a few traits, but, overall, he is not me. Maybe I'll throw in a side story or something, I don't know. Not Kevin, though, but – with any luck – I might EVENTUALLY write about him in... I don't know... Chapter 10? Seems like a while, but then again, I did write a 3500+ chapter (including author's notes and the disclaimer) a couple of days after writing the first chapter.

Oh, before I start – The name "Eddy McGee", which I used in the previous chapter, was NOT me stealing from any of the two stories in The Choices We Make saga, written by my good friend Flywheel [Shyster and Flywheel], nor did it come from any other fan fiction. I don't know where I got it from. So far, no one has mentioned it, but I thought I might so you don't have to.

(~~~)

It was 8:15am on March 25th, 1998. You may think that the sun would shine in through the studio apartment window, but, in actuality, it was raining and the curtains were closed. The walls were white, the floor was dark blue carpeting and there were posters plastered all over the walls and door – posters for KMFDM; My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult; Sister Machine Gun; Chemlab; Skinny Puppy; and Cabaret Voltaire. In front of the window was a cabinet, a Sega Saturn, some games and, on top of the cabinet, a TV. Next to the cabinet were two boxes, one containing LPs and the other containing CDs, mostly those of the aforementioned bands. On the right hand side of the door, there was a mattress, complete with pillow and quilt. Opposite the bathroom door was a fridge, a dishwasher and four counters – one has a microwave on it whilst two others double as cupboards.

So, you may be thinking that Eric's asleep, much like how I started off Chapters 1-3 and 5. Actually, he's in the bathroom, having a shower. After a couple of minutes, he was finished and came out of the bathroom, with a peach-coloured towel wrapped around his genitalia. I would go into detail here, probably sarcastically admitting that I'm narcissistic, but I'm not going to. If anything, Eric, who's one of two of my OCs who's self-aware, grabs some clothes from the chest of drawers (which has a record player on top of it) that was next to the bathroom door and heads back in.

About five minutes later, he emerged, wearing a Don't Blow Your Top shirt (which was pretty much the same as the WDYKD shirt except for a different picture), blue denim jeans and brown trainers. He then opened up a cupboard and got out a box of Chunky Puffs. He then opened the fridge and got out the milk. He then got a bowl out of the other cupboard and poured some cereal – and then some milk – into that bowl. He then got out a spoon and ate his cereal on his "bed". When he finished, he put the bowl on the floor and played Blazing Heroes on his Saturn.

The time was now 9:47am and, though the rain had cleared up earlier, there were still a chance it might start again. He saved his game and turned it off. He then grabbed his laptop, put it in a waterproof satchel, put on his coat (that was somehow on the back of his door), which had his wallet in one of the pockets, and walked out of his apartment.

He then went outside and walked to the bus stop. When he got there, he waited a couple of minutes until the bus he wanted arrived. After paying bus fare, he then sat down somewhere near the front. After a while, the bus arrived on Main Street, where the Java Hut was. He then walked to it and sat down in his usual seat. He took his coat, got out his wallet and put down $2.50, which is how much it costs for his usual. After Felipe made the drink and Jeff "delivered" it, Eric then set up his laptop and, after a minute or so, started playing Linux Doom.

It was now 10:59am. Whilst Eric was still playing Doom, Lithuania Shirt and Tracksuit Guy walked in, ordered a mocha and a café au lait respectively and, after receiving their drinks and paying for them, sat down on the same table as Eric. 'Wade Wilson.' He nodded at TG. 'Altdot.' He nodded at LS.

'Hello, ker0seen.' They greeted their friend in unison.

After about 15 minutes of discussing comics, video games and what to do later, Eric finished off his drink, put his laptop back in his satchel, put his coat back on and walked outside with TG and LS. Together they walked to what seemed like an abandoned warehouse, just a couple of blocks away. But, when we look inside, we find out that there are plenty of computers, most of which are either destroyed or not in use; a Sega Genesis – or a Mega Drive, depending on where you live – attached to a TV in one corner of the room, with a shelf containing games; a pinball machine; three vending machines, which dispense Coke, Pepsi and food; a water cooler; and, at four different places, a computer, surrounded by posters, pictures or anything owned by the person using it.

Inside, the girl from the convenience store (in Chapter 2) was busy typing away on her computer. Except here, she was wearing a plain white shirt, a pair of black jeans and a pair of blue Jack Purcells. 'Hey guys.' She said, not looking away from the screen. 'I'm trying to see if I can get into altdot's website.'

'OK, Corvus.' LS replied.

In 1988, Eric, who was 17 at the time, got into computer hacking – and, to an extent, phreaking – after picking up the Spring issue of 2600: The Hacker Quarterly. During university, he hacked once every 3-4 months and continued doing so until he was caught and arrested in 1994. In 1996, he formed GrayComs, a hacking group which consisted of him, TG, LS and Corvus. From when they took up hacking, to this day, Eric and the rest of his hacker group don't hack to cause chaos with viruses, Trojans, worms or anything like that – They just want better security, even though what they're doing is illegal (this is called "grey hat hacking", hence the group's name).

He then sat down on the floor; put his satchel on the ground next to him; turned on the TV and the Genesis; and played NHL '94. 'Alright, let's see how the Ducks fare against the Flyers...' He said to himself.

(-)

Unfortunately, since I don't know where to go with that, I'll just go over to Ed, who's at work. As it's a slow day, he's killing some time by reading the "Anthologie" issue - in actuality, it was a one-off hardback issue released in December 1997 – of Pimpsmasher (not to confused with any social networking user that has that name; or Pimp Slayer from Heroes of Newerth), a comic book character – whose series lasted from 1991-1995, with the previously mentioned one-off released in '97 – who, as the name suggests, goes round killing pimps. Though the art work and indeed the setting seems to be a combination of Sin City and Transmetropolitan, the dialogue (and, in a few places, the plot) seems to be more like a mix of Thirty Hs; ASSBAR (All-Star Batman and Robin); the Doom Comic; and Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff, to the point where there are such gems as "You are dead, which meant I killed you!" and "I will murder you until you are dead!". If anything, the creator said in a 1994 interview that it was a satire of [then] modern comic books, right down to the laughable dialogue, though all-but-two of the characters that ever appeared in the series are out of proportion (Santa, explained below, and a prostitute whose back is so curved that it covers three panels).

He turned the page, where, as usual, someone (here, it's elves) was dying in [almost] every panel whilst our "hero" is battling Santa, who has grown muscles so large that he's actually slower than a glacier. Yes... I have no idea why I wrote that, though maybe it's to further reinforce that this is a parody. At this point, Pimpsmasher takes out a gun so large, you can fit 3-and-a-half Vaticans in it and, after a page of smoke, we find out that Santa has a huge gaping hole in his chest. Afterwards, he [Pimpsmasher] turns towards the reader, says "Merry Dead-mas!" and runs off.

Ed then put in a bookmarker and closed his book, seeing as it was not the end. He then looked at the clock, which showed the time as 12:32pm. 23 seconds later, Edd – who was wearing his jacket over his Java Hut uniform despite the fact that he's not at work until 3:30pm – and Eddy walked into the store. 'Ed,' Edd asked. 'Eddy and I are about to get some lunch. Do you want to come along?'

'Yeah. We'll also find out why the author cut to us for some reason.'

'Okey-dokey!' Ed smiled. 'Hey, Bob. I'm off for a lunch break!' He yelled.

'OK, be back at 1.' A voice from the stock room replied.

As all three Eds walked out of the store, Bob emerged from the stock room and went behind the counter. Outside, Edd took out a cigarette, put it in his mouth and lit it. 'So where do ya wanna go?' Eddy asked.

'I dunno.' Ed replied. 'Double D?'

'Café Fondue?' Edd suggested.

'Yeah, alright.' Eddy nodded.

The trio then walked to the café, where, by that time, Edd had finished his cigarette. They walked in and sat down at a booth. Ed ordered Leberkäse, with a side order of rösti; Edd ordered an Emmental and lettuce sandwich; Eddy ordered a basket of French fries (or "chips", which is what we call them over here); and all three ordered a Coke each.

Once they finished their meal, Ed went back to Automaton's Lair, whilst Edd and Eddy went down to the convenience store. When they got there, Edd bought a science magazine, whereas Eddy bought a bottle of Jack Daniels, two bottles of vodka, a crate of beer and some gum. 'Hang on, I'll get the car.' Edd walked back to... somewhere... before returning about 7 minutes later. When he came back, Eddy stuck his booze in the trunk of the car, before getting in the passenger seat. Whilst he is being driven back home, Eddy asked. 'Are we ever going back to that hacking subplot thing?'

(-)

To answer your question, Eddy: "We might, but, due to writer's block, not in this chapter. In fact, I might end it now and start the next chapter of filler in this story."

Yeah, I'm sorry for how short this chapter was and how long it took me to write it. But, as I've previously explained, I'm struggling with writer's block. But don't worry; I'll hopefully come up with something. To pad this out, I'll put in some explanations:

1. Doom was ported to many different consoles. Some were good, some were bad. Check the Doom Wiki (or YouTube) if you want to see what different consoles it was ported to.

2. Phreaking (intentionally spelt with a PH, for reasons you'll find out) is where you hack into telecommunications systems. Using boxes (like blue boxes, read boxes, black boxes) or, in some cases, whistling, in order to do things like make free calls. Due to technology getting better, it's... I wouldn't say it's "dead", it's just uncommon. Don't confuse this with "phone hacking", which is the main reason why News of the World (a former newspaper over here) was "brought down", for lack of a better word.

3. As previously explained, "grey hat hacking" is where, though what you are doing is illegal, you're doing it for better security. This is not to be confused with "white hat hacking", which is pretty much the same thing, except what you're doing may be legal; and you should DEFINITELY not confuse it with "black hat hacking", who are the nasties who are after your personal info and all that (this is basically what most people think all hackers are like, which somewhat annoys me). "Black hats" and "white hats" come from Westerns and "grey hat" is basically a combination of the two.

4. "Altdot" comes from Usenet groups (like alt.x.y); "Wade Wilson" is Deadpool's real name; "Corvus" is named after the protagonist from Heretic (a game made using the Doom engine); and ker0seen comes from the song Kerosene (they're pretty much pronounced the same way) by a band called Big Black (from their 1986 album Atomizer).

5. Despite me creating another name to call Lithuania Shirt and Tracksuit Guy, I'm still calling them that. Hell, even when I've given them real names, I'm still calling them "TG" and "LS". Mainly because I've gotten used to calling them that.

6. Sorry for my description of "Pimpsmasher", I... don't know what happened. But, if it's any consolation, that's what most comics were like in the late 80s/early-mid 90s. For more information, you could visit TV Tropes or ask anyone who knows a lot about comic books. Fun factoid: The two quotes I made up from Pimpsmasher were based on the infamous "I'll kill you! I'll kill you to death" line from Countdown to Final Crisis, despite the fact that the latter wouldn't be released until 2007.

7. Yes it's a complete coincidence that an "Eric" likes Doom and KMFDM (to those who don't get this, look up a certain event that happened in 1999). He could be named after the author George Orwell (whose real name was Eric Blair), or Emmanuel Goldstein (Eric Corley), who's the publisher and editor of 2600: The Hacker Quarterly.

Right, I think that's it. Now all I have to do is get started on the next chapter. Hopefully, I would have come up with another story arc by Chapter 8. We'll see. Also, if I've made any mistakes, feel free to correct me.


	7. Chapter 7: RotEF II

Edarchy

Chapter 7: Return of the Electric Filler II

Disclaimer: I don't own Ed, Edd n Eddy. There are also two songs in this chapter, both of which I do not own.

A/N: Yes, I'm going into detail with Ed's band, fully explaining what genre they are and all that (though it might get a little bit awkward). Meanwhile, we'll see what job Eddy got (originally he was to finish off his résumé). Hmmm... Quite a short opening author's note. Oh well, let's start this thing.

(~~~)

Sunday March 29th, 1998. Ed was over at Eddy's house, playing International Superstar Soccer Pro. Ed was Germany whereas Eddy was Italy. So far, Eddy was winning 1-0, having scored a goal in the 38th minute. It was now the 52nd minute and Ed was closing in on goal. He shoots and... the goalkeeper tips it over the bar, resulting in a corner. A couple of [in-game] minutes later, Ed manages to score. 'TOUCHDOWN!' He waved his arms up in the air.

'Wrong sport, Lumpy.' Eddy reminded him.

'We ARE playing a football game, right?'

'Yes, technically.'

'So why aren't they pickin' up the ball and running with it?'

'I'd explain, but it'll seem like another author rant.' You may think that this is just me not caring about writing Eddy. But, then again, watch the episode One + One = Ed (more specifically, the first minute and a half of the episode) – and mix it in with growing older and becoming (slightly) more cynical – then you'll see why Eddy just didn't bother responding to Ed's stupid question.

A minute or so later, the match was over and Eddy won 2-1, scoring a goal in the 89th minute. They both put their controllers down and took a deep breath. 'Fancy a rematch?' Eddy asked.

'No thanks.' Ed replied. 'I have to go to practice.'

'Alright.' Eddy opened the cooler and got out a can of beer. Before Ed was out the door, he then realised something. 'How are ya getting there?'

'I'm gettin' a ride.'

Eddy paused for half a minute before saying 'Alright. 'Cos I'm not driving.'

And so Ed finally walked out the door, Eddy opened his beer and sat down on his couch, probably to play some Doom.

(-)

The time is now 1:30pm. Across town in Norwegia (a residential area somewhere around the Peach Creek area), we see Ed (with his guitar), Jeff (who's on bass), a shirtless bloke with a blond fauxhawk and tattoos of chains (on the drums) and a bald guy – in Wayfarers – wearing a white shirt, black Capri pants and black dress shoes, holding his guitar. Since he wasn't at work, Jeff was now wearing a baseball cap (backwards), a Minnesota Vikings shirt, red windbreakers and a pair of sandals.

Monster Condo (for those who decided to skip to this chapter when it was still new: This is the name of the band, taken from a level from Doom II) was formed in late 1994, which had no real name and just consisted of the drummer and guitarist (who moved to Peach Creek from Canada around the start of the decade). After a while, Jeff, who had worked at the coffee shop for a couple of months to support himself, joined as their new bassist. As previously explained in Chapter 3, Ed joined after replying to one of their flyers and passing the audition (although he was the only one who bothered replying in the first place). After Jeff came up with a name, they entered a Battle of the Bands competition in August '96, coming in second place (which gave them a week of studio time to do a demo). Though their main style is math rock (I'll explain in the closing author's notes, but all I can say is that it's not songs dedicated to algebra, calculus or probability), they sometimes go into metal, occasionally mixing the two styles together. Currently, they're rehearsing for their début album.

'Shall we?' The drummer asked, his voice implying that he was from Vancouver.

'Sure, why not?' The lead singer/lead guitarist – who happened to be the drummer's cousin – responded. He too may have been from the same place.

Ed nodded whilst Jeff answered 'Totally.'

The guitarist then went up to the microphone and said. 'Hello, we're covering Breadcrumb Trail. By a band called Slint.'

'Whoa, whoa.' Jeff interrupted. He then put down his bass – which was a Rickenbacker 325 – and drank a can of Surge. 'I'm ready.'

As previously explained in this story, I was initially planning to write a song which not only shows how crap I am at writing, but also makes it obvious that I don't know how about guitars, drums and so on. So just stick on the song previously mentioned and just use your imagination. Ya see, I just didn't care.

(-)

Meanwhile, back at...

'You're just trying to pad things out, right?' Eddy said, even though he wasn't in this scene.

Yes. But, unlike in the last chapter, I will continue the band subplot. Hopefully.

'Yeah, you better.'

OK, as I was saying... Here we see what Edd is doing. As it was also his day off, he just sat around playing Turok on his Nintendo 64. So far, he was on the Catacombs level, wielding an auto shotgun. Suddenly, his cell phone rang. He paused his game and answered it. 'Hello?'

'Hey Double D, it's Eddy.' The voice on the other line said.

'Hey, Eddy. How can I help you?'

'I need you to drive me downtown. I've got a job interview.'

'Congratulations. I hope you get it and...' He then realised something. 'You've consumed some alcohol, haven't you?'

'Jack Daniels. Half a bottle.'

'What time does your interview start?'

'4pm.'

'Right, I think we can arrive there in time. I also have this feeling that I'm continuing this conversation over the phone to make this chapter seem longer.'

'Probably.'

'Alright, just let me save my game and retrieve my keys.'

'OK.'

Some time later, Edd arrived at Eddy's house. After somehow noticing the yellow BMW in the cul-de-sac (after all, he could've been anywhere in his house), Eddy went outside and got into the passenger seat. After he had put on his seatbelt, Edd drove off, seeing as he was still buckled up and behind the wheel. 'So where do you have to go, Eddy?'

Eddy got out a letter that confirmed that he got a job somewhere. '1024 Kerman Street.'

'I see.' Edd remembered. 'That generic office.' I say a "generic office" because... you get the picture. 'Does it state which job you'll receive, or your working hours?'

Eddy had a look at the paper. 'No.'

Edd then turned on his stereo. After going through the different stations and finding nothing good, he then turned on the CD player and selected an album at random. After a second or two, Enola Gay by OMD started playing. 'I wager that a lot of readers would laugh at the word "gay".' Edd said, breaking the fourth wall.

'Maybe.' Eddy shrugged as he wound down his window.

After about half and hour, Edd drove into a parking lot. 'Are you able to continue your journey from here?' He asked.

'Yeah, sure. I'm gonna get something to eat. You coming?'

'No thanks, Eddy. I'm alright.' Edd reversed out. 'Good luck. Please call me if you succeed in gaining employment!'

'I will.' Edd then drove home, mainly to continue his game.

(-)

Over in Norwegia, we see Monster Condo about to finish one of their songs. Again, it wasn't one of THEIR songs, but instead it was a cover of Six Six Sixties by a band called Throbbing Gristle (the OTHER TG in this story). The only difference is that, here, there are drums being used and the singer is a Canadian baritone. He then sang the last two lines of the song

_**... Or injured**_

_**Just...**_

The song later drew to a close and, when it did, Ed sat down on a chair that appeared out of nowhere. It was obvious that he was exhausted, so he put his guitar down on the floor and went into the kitchen, getting himself a drink. A drink of what, we don't know.

He then walked back into the room and picked up his guitar. 'I think it's been cool jammin' with you guys,' Ed said. 'But I'm goin' home.'

'Alright. We'll let you know if anything comes up.' The drummer nodded.

Ed then checked his wallet. He had just enough to get home. He waited for his cab to arrive. When it did, Ed grabbed his guitar, got in the taxi, put the guitar next to him, put his seatbelt on and said to the driver (Kevin, previously seen in chapter 4) 'Rathink Avenue.'

'You know,' Kevin began. 'I used to live there...'

''Sup, dork?'

'Hey, Kev!'

'This writer is brilliant.' Kevin mumbled, sotto voce with a hint of sarcasm.

(-)

It was now 6:50pm. Edd was over at Eddy's house, where the two of them were watching a re-run of MST3K – more specifically, the episode where Joel and the Bots riff on Pod People (aka Los Nuevos Extraterrestres). After somehow noticing the Edd was about to speak, Eddy paused the video. 'So, did you acquire employment?'

'I dunno. I'm expecting a phone call any moment now...'

About 10-15 minutes, the phone rang. Eddy paused the video again, got up and answered the phone. 'Y'ello?' After about a minute of talking – and Eddy going 'Uh-huh'; 'OK'; and 'Yeah' – the conversation ended and he put the phone back on the hook. 'Guess what?'

'Go on...'

'I...'

At that moment, Ed walked into Eddy's house. 'Hey guys!' He yelled.

'Hi, Ed.' Edd said. 'Please continue.'

'I got the job.' Eddy concluded.

'Well, that was quick.' Edd was confused, whereas Ed just ran up to his 5'10" friend and gave him a bearhug.

'THAT'S GREAT, EDDY!'

'My spine...' Eddy winced.

'So, what job is it?' Edd was curious.

'I'm now a janitor.' Eddy groaned, despite the fact that Ed was loosening his grip. 'I start tomorrow.'

'Good luck, Eddy.' Ed said.

Eddy went back into the kitchen, got out a can of beer, sat back down on a chair and unpaused the video. Ed then sat down on the couch, next to Edd. Eddy then cracked open his beer and drank it. 'Here's to tomorrow...'

(-)

A/N: I know, another short chapter. However, we did see Kevin's job, Ed's band and what job Eddy's going to get. So now, as usual, I'm going to explain some things:

1. So I don't forget, I'm going to do this one first: Math rock is a type of experimental rock. Some bands include Big Black (if they count), Rapeman (yes, there was actually a band called that) and Shellac; as well as bands like the aforementioned Slint, Breadwinner and Roadside Monument, to name a few. I don't know, I'm more into industrial. Though you can find more info on Google, so...

2. I've got a feeling that someone's going to listen to Six Six Sixties after this chapter and type something along the lines of "There are drums in this song". Actually, there aren't. Then again, Throbbing Gristle (named after a slang term for an erection) did some weird shit (like stick a trombone in a cow's arse and feed it porridge. Thanks, someone on YouTube!). Not only that, by after checking the liner notes somewhere, there weren't any drums on the album it was on either.

3. Edtallica is one of my favourite fan fictions. Seriously, check it out. I did a review of it some years ago but I accidentally wrote "new wave" instead of "industrial". Oops. I'm just mentioning it because two members of Monster Condo happen to be Canadian (again, read Edtallica to understand what I'm blabbering on about). So this is not a tribute or anything like that, it's merely a coincidence.

4. Norwegia is so called because it was first inhabited by Norwegian emigrants in the early 20th Century. There was also Svenskus (Svenska + hus) – another residential area founded by Scandinavians – which was also populated around the same time but was abandoned in 1955 after severe flooding damage (there were plans to rebuild it in 1961 and 1973, but they were rejected). It was also where Monster Condo shot their first video. I only mentioned this because of my fascination with ghost towns and other abandoned areas.

5. That "author rant" Eddy was talking about early on was me asking why it's called "football" if it's mainly carrying the ball. If this does spark a pointless debate, please can you flame each other via Private Messaging rather than use the "reviews" section? Thanks.

I know that this chapter wasn't very long but at least it gave us the starting point of another story arc. Until then, take care and let me know if I've made any errors.


	8. Chapter 8: The First Day Or Something

Edarchy

Chapter 8: The First Day... Or Something.

Disclaimer: I don't own Ed, Edd n Eddy. You know the drill by now.

A/N: Well, this is it. Eddy's first day. You may think that this story may as well be all about him. Well, if it's any consolation, the next chapter (surprisingly enough) will probably be the first chapter not to feature him (there's a small chance he may be mentioned, but he won't be seen, nor will he have any lines). I know this story arc will be centred around Eddy's new job as a janitor, but there are a few points (i.e. Chapters 9 and 10) where it may go "off-topic". Don't worry, this is probably where I'll flesh out characters (mainly those who appeared in the original show) and, with any luck, it won't seem forced, shoehorned in and/or completely unnecessary.

Something I should point out: I would try and make this longer, but I'm still having problems with this damn writer's block. And chances are that the next chapter also won't be very long. But, as I've previously stated, Chapter 10 will go in depth... hopefully. Enough rambling on, let's restart this story after a long – and undeserved – break.

(-)

It was 7:15am and it was pretty much overcast. As he started work today, he had to be up early. His alarm clock then went off and he got up, turned off his alarm and then went into his personal bathroom. After he was finished in his shower, he shaved off any unsightly stubble, applied aftershave and got changed into blue Y-fronts, black socks and a brown jumpsuit (which mysteriously appeared out of nowhere) with the words "JANITOR" written on the back in red letters.

He then walked into the kitchen. He got out some eggs, bacon, cheese and milk. He nearly went over to his personal liquor cabinet but, since he had to drive to work, he didn't. After making – and eating – himself bacon (covered with cheese) and eggs with some coffee, he went into his gaming room, turned on his PS1 and played Tomb Raider.

The time is now 8:25am. After he saved his game and turned off the PlayStation and TV, he headed downstairs and grabbed his car keys. When he opened the door, he saw Ed about to ring the doorbell. Despite Eddy being in plain view, Ed still rang the doorbell. The two of them got into the van and, after buckling up, Eddy set off to Automaton's Lair.

Ed then turned on the radio and turned it to STIL FM. For some reason, they were playing Hammer Smashed Face by Cannibal Corpse, which would probably get the DJ in trouble. Ed turned up the volume and nodded his head to the music, whereas Eddy had to concentrate on driving. 'It's gonna be a long day, isn't it?' He said to himself whilst Ed was growling along to the lyrics.

Before dropping him off at the comic book store, Eddy reminded Ed 'OK, Lumpy. I might not be here by the time the store closes, so, y'know, either find something to do or walk home.' Ed nodded and entered the store. At that moment, Eddy then changed the station to something more relaxing. After failing to find something worth listening to, he just stuck in a mixtape he made consisting of songs by Tom Jones, Barry White, Frank Sinatra and David Bowie. 'Much better...'

After 23 minutes, he then arrived at the office. It's really amazing that the traffic warps itself so that our characters are never late, nor do they get stuck in jams! Ha, they're all Sues. Seriously though, Eddy got there in time. He then got out of his van and locked it. After showing the guard his ID, he then headed up to a break room where he sat around waiting for his shift to happen. Oh, and the office building itself looks like a relatively new ten-storey office building with a reasonable-sized car park in front of it.

About an hour later, when Eddy was show what to do and how to do it, he then started sweeping the floors, probably wishing that he was back at home playing Commander Keen (more specifically, Aliens Ate My Babysitter!) whilst having a cool, refreshing beer and, hopefully, try and get Cannibal Corpse out of his head. Whilst sweeping a floor, he saw someone – who should've been doing his work – playing Map 23 (Tombstone) of The Plutonia Experiment – one of the two megaWADs released on Final Doom. Eddy then walked up to the man and offered some advice. 'Y'know,' He noticed that the man had already activated another secret. 'If ya step on that teleporter pad, you'll get a megasphere.' The man did just that, grabbed said megasphere (which, to those who haven't played Doom II or any WADs based on it, raises both your health and armor to 200%), gave Eddy a high-five and continued with his game. The janitor then went back to whatever he was doing before.

The time was now 11:03am. As he finished sweeping the floor, he then walked into a dark corner. After looking around to see if nobody's looking, he then got out a hip flask containing some vodka. He took a couple of swigs of his drink before putting it away, stepping out of the corner and heading towards the janitor's closet to see what he has to do next. His next task was to empty out all the bins. And, considering how many there are per floor (about 2-3 bins for plastic bottles, packets et al; and 5 bins for scrap bits of paper), this is no easy task. He then grabbed a couple of bin liners, had another swig of vodka, and then set off to work.

After he emptied all the bins, he then looked at the clock which showed the time as 12:32pm. Of course, it was anywhere between 6-8 minutes off, but it was still time for lunch. Eddy dumped two bin bags (one containing the contents of the "paper bins", whereas the other has plastic bottles and all that) into the janitor's closet and headed to the second floor, where the cafeteria is. After ordering a ham sandwich and an espresso, he sat down at a table, sneakily poured some whiskey into his coffee and started eating his lunch.

(-)

Speaking of lunch, we now cut to Ed, eating a slice of pizza, trying not to spill any of it on the comic book (it was an issue of Watchmen) he was reading, whilst in the stock room – which doubles as his office – Bob was playing Rise of the Triad on the computer. It had pretty much been a quiet day, which was not unusual, mainly due to the fact I can't write all that well.

About 15 minutes later, Ed finished his pizza and put the box under the counter. A couple of seconds afterwards, someone came into the store, picked up a copy of Transmetropolitan (an old copy another person sold to the store, probably because they were low on money), paid for it and walked out of the store. Yes, that's pretty much the most exciting it's going to be this chapter, but at least Ed likes his job.

Though I could just cut over to Edd (who was over at Marie's playing Super Mario Kart on her SNES, seeing as he's not supposed to be at work until 3:30pm), but I'm going to still hang around here, where the boredom is. Luckily, Bob – who was still playing ROTT (as Ian Paul Freeley) – managed to complete his game. After constantly firing at El Oscuro (the main enemy) and dying, he then tried not shooting, which worked. At the exact moment El Oscuro died, Bob yelled 'Yes!' which alerted Ed and the customer he was serving. For some reason, both of them went into the stock room to find out what happened. 'Sorry, guys. It may have taken me a month but I managed to complete this game.'

'Cool.' Ed somehow nodded his head, despite the fact he has no chin. A minute or so later, Ed and the customer walked out of the stock room and continued whatever they were doing.

(-)

It was now 5:20pm. Eddy had finished work 15 minutes ago and was now driving home; Edd was still at the Java Hut; and Ed had already started walking home (luckily, for him, his house wasn't that far away). Whilst in his van, Eddy turned on the radio and searched for a station worth listening to. He managed to find one, which was playing some obscure disco song from 1978. He then started moving his head to the beat, sorta like a one-man "Night at the Roxbury" (except, of course, What Is Love isn't playing in the background).

23 minutes later, he arrived at his house. He turned off the radio, "turned off" the car (for lack of a better word), took the keys out of the ignition and walked into his house. He went into his kitchen and got a can of beer from out of the fridge. He opened it and took a sip. He then went upstairs, into his game room and, of course, went to his computer and played some Commander Keen.

(~~~)

A/N: I'm absolutely sorry about a) how long it took and b) how disappointing it was. Comparing this chapter to Duke Nukem Forever would probably be an insult to Duke Nukem Forever! Still, here are a few things I should go on about:

1. Eddy's work uniform was actually based on the Janitor's outfit from Scrubs (despite the fact that the show first aired in 2001. Not to mention that the Janitor doesn't actually wear a jumpsuit, because who wears one with a belt?).

2. That guy playing Doom when he was supposed to be working is sort of based on a true story. During the 90s, loads of offices would have people playing Doom (mainly deathmatches) when they were supposed to be doing work. Because they were losing money, some companies banned Doom from its computers (feel free to correct me if I'm wrong; or back me up with evidence if I'm right). This guy, however, managed to find a way around it, although we don't know how since he might not be seen again.

3. I have no idea why I cut to the comic book store. Maybe it was so boring with Eddy we had to go somewhere less tedious!

4. Eddy's computer wasn't a present from his uncle Martin (four chapters later than intended and we finally find out his name). Actually, in 1995, he bought Edd's old computer (which he replaced with his current one, which runs Windows 95 as opposed to MS-DOS) for $50. You may think that this was out of character for Eddy, considering how he BOUGHT something with money, but, in actuality, whenever he was around Edd's house, he pretty much went on the computer and played Doom. After buying it, he went round buying old DOS games (which came on floppy disks) to add to his collection.

5. Eddy keeps things like beer and, on special occasions, wine in his fridge and keeps things like gin, vodka, etc. in his personal liquor cabinet. I think we all know why, but I thought I might explain this just in case.

6. Yes, I call it SNES (rhymes with less) instead of "S-N-E-S" or "Super NES". I don't know why I'm telling you this, but I think it might be me padding this out to make this chapter longer than it really is.

I think that's about it, really. Once again, I sincerely apologise for how short and how shit this chapter was. With any luck, I might make it up to you with the next chapter. If that doesn't work, then, of course there's Chapter 10. After that... then I'm really out of ideas. So yeah, take care whilst I continue this story.


	9. Chapter 9: The Larch

Edarchy

Chapter 9: The Larch

Disclaimer: I don't own Ed, Edd n Eddy. And, as you can guess by the chapter title, I also don't own anything Python (shit, I've just explained what little joke there was! Oh, well). Also, there are a few songs in this chapter – I don't own any of them.

A/N: Well, here it is. Chapter 9. A whole chapter where Eddy doesn't appear. He is mentioned once or twice, but not seen or heard. This might be a bit of a challenge, but, hopefully, it's worth it. The real reason why he's not in this chapter is because I don't want him appearing too much (after all, it might get to the point where the readers think that I'm the only person who actually likes him!). There'll be another explanation, but that's actually in-universe, as not everyone in this story can see past the fourth wall.

So, what will this chapter be about? It'll be mostly centred around Ed and Edd. Though they're both at work when the chapter starts, I'll occasionally switch between the two throughout, stopping when Automaton's Lair closes for the day. Afterwards, we'll take a look at Edd playing Doom (more specifically, a WAD he downloaded) for about an hour before he and Ed go back down to The Dive (the bar all three Eds went to in Chapter 4) for a few drinks. Although Edd doesn't have to be in until 3:30pm the next day, which means he doesn't want to drink too much, Ed still has to work 9-5. I have no idea why I'm doing this, though. Maybe some more padding.

Alright, I'll now get started. Hope you guys enjoy it.

(~~~)

Edd was outside his apartment block, dressed in his "running clothes" (from Chapter 2), smoking a cigarette. He had finished his run, obviously, and was waiting to finish his cigarette. Much like yesterday morning, it was overcast, but today there's a greater chance of it raining. Noticing this, Edd tried to finish his cigarette as quickly as possible without it causing him great pain.

A couple of minutes later, he walked into his apartment and went into the bathroom. He took off his beanie and hung it up somewhere, once again revealing his black and blond mullet. Though he wasn't blond when he was younger (to the now-surprise and disappointment of millions of fangirls), he dyed some of it for some reason (this is one reason why I like doing this story – it allows the readers to come up with their own suggestions and all that). The main reason for wearing the hat was actually the scar from the "dodgeball incident", as revealed in Chapter 2. Oh, right, he then takes off his sweat-stained clothes, turns on the shower and gets in, faces the computer screen and says to the reader "I apologise in advance for acting slightly out of character, but please can you stop wanking?"

After his shower – and me mixing up tenses – he then got changed into his work uniform and had some breakfast. He then switched on his TV and checked the news (around this time, there'd be a weather report for the rest of the day) to see if he needed his coat. He did. He then set up his N64 and put on Doom 64. 'Let's see how many levels I can do before I have to go in...' He said to himself. Of course, this being Doom, Edd could get through a couple of levels. After all, he has completed it once or twice, so it's pretty self-explanatory.

About an hour or so later, he noticed the time was 8:02am. He had to finish the level – MAP16: Blood Keep – quickly. Luckily, he knew what he was doing, and, about a minute later, he managed to complete the level. He saved his progress and, about 30 seconds later, turned off his console and TV. He grabbed his coat and put it on. He grabbed his keys, wallet and phone, after which he closed the door behind him.

He then walked to his car and checked his CD changer. He then checked which CDs he had in there – Garbage by Garbage (which contained the song Edd was singing along to in Chapter 2); Parklife by Blur; Savage Garden by Savage Garden; The Bends by Radiohead; Screamadelica by Primal Scream; and Everything Must Go by Manic Street Preachers. As you can guess, he's mostly into alt rock, although I don't know if his CD changer can actually hold that many CDs (but, just in case, it's entirely possible that he keeps the CDs somewhere in his car). Afterwards, he sat in the driver's seat and put his car key into the ignition. He then pulled out of his apartment and set about driving to work.

He then stuck on the radio. After browsing a few random stations, he settled on one that was playing REM. Edd bobbed his head to the beat and sang along to it. "The other night I tripped a nice continental drift divide. Mount St. Edelite. Leonard Bernstein. Leonid Breshnev, Lenny Bruce..." Afterwards, he just resorted to humming the song. When it was over, he then switched over to the CD changer and played some Blur.

When he got to the Java Hut, he parked the car into the car park, turned the engine off, took his key out of the ignition and went inside. He put his coat on a hook in the storage room and checked to see who he was working with today. Afterwards, he sat down and made himself a medium cappuccino, waiting for work to start.

(-)

About an hour later, Ed was busy over at Automaton's Lair, whilst Eric, back over at Java Hut, was confused as to why he has a version of Debian that wouldn't be released for another 3-4 months (this chapter takes place on Tuesday 31st March 1998, by the way) - maybe he has access to a time machine! Anyway, Ed was restocking the comic books, making sure that every single one goes into the right place (because since when did Superman become a Marvel character?) and so on.

After he had finished doing that, Bob walked out of the stock room and said to Ed 'I'm just gonna go out to do a couple of errands. Do you think you can run the store?'

Ed nodded... somehow... despite knowing that I'd be wasting a perfectly good plot for this chapter. Hell, if I had actually done something with it, chances are that I'd probably be ripping off SpongeBob SquarePants ("Squid's Day Off"). When Bob left the store, Ed went into the stock room. He picked the receiver off the hook and dialled Edd.

Back at the Java Hut, Edd was busy serving someone a coffee. The precise moment he set it down on the table, his phone rang. As there were a few people inside the shop, everyone was wondering what that ringing sound is (for those who don't know, it's Ring Style 5). About two seconds later, Edd dug straight into his pocket and pulled out his phone. He then apologised to everyone and walked outside to answer it. 'Hello?'

'HI, DOUBLE D!' Ed yelled through the phone. It was so loud that Edd had to move his StarTAC away from his head so he doesn't go deaf.

A second later, Edd then put his phone into his other hand whilst he tries to regain his hearing in one ear. 'Yes, hello Ed. How can I help you?'

'I'm just wonderin' if you wanna go out for a drink later.'

'I checked my schedule earlier and I don't have to be in until 3:30pm tomorrow. So, yes, I shall join you for a round or two.'

'Great!' Ed smiled. 'Also, I went over to Eddy's and he's not feeling well.'

'Oh, dear.' Edd was genuinely concerned. 'Please elaborate.

'He's coughin; he's sneezin'; he's got boogers.' Ed explained, unintentionally creeping out Edd, who's still a neat freak after all these years (though he is trying to overcome it).

'How can I aid him?'

Ed pulled out a list from a pocket inside his jacket. 'He wants a tin of chicken noodle soup, a carton of orange juice, a bottle of Jack Daniels and a packet of...' Ed squinted, trying to take a closer look at one of the items on the list. 'Tile-and-noll'

'Tylenol.' Edd corrected Ed. 'And sure, I'll get those once I've finished work.'

'OK, thanks, Double D.' Ed then hung up the phone.

Edd then "closed his phone" (I don't know the correct term, considering how the StarTAC was a clamshell-style phone), put it back in his pocket and went back inside.

(-)

At about 3:01pm, Edd had finished work and got into his car. He then put his key into the ignition and turned it, which started the car. He then pulled out of the car park and drove to the convenience store, still listening to Blur. When he arrived, he parked the car out front. After making sure the car was "off" (for lack of a better word), he then got out, locked it and headed into the store. He browsed the aisles and got what Ed asked him to get for Eddy. After paying for them – and explaining to the cashier that they're not for him – Edd then put them into a brown paper bag, and placed them in his car, preferably somewhere where they won't fall over.

Edd then arrived at Eddy's house. After putting on a radiation suit (which came out of nowhere), he then took the bag from out of his car and went inside Eddy's house. About 10 or so minutes later after putting the Jack Daniels in Eddy's liquor cabinet and making the chicken noodle soup (and feeding it to Eddy), Edd left the house, with the horrible feeling that he'd have to burn the radiation suit. Of course, he quickly got over that after realising that he was being a bit melodramatic and just decided to send it to a dry cleaner's. He then headed for the local dry cleaner's and, once he's done that, he'll head back home and play some Doom.

(-)

The time was now 7:05pm. Whilst Edd was up there, playing a Doom WAD he downloaded some time ago, Ed was standing outside. He then rang the intercom, waiting for Edd – who, at this point, paused his game – to answer. 'Hello?' The voice on the other end of the line (from Ed's perspective) asked.

'Hey, Double D. It's Ed.'

'Greetings, Ed. I might be about 5 minutes, so I highly recommend coming inside whilst you're waiting.'

Ed, who just about knew what Edd was talking about, headed inside and walked up to Edd's apartment. He knocked on the door. A couple of seconds later, Edd paused his game again and walked to his door. 'HEY DOUBLE D!' Ed ran up to Edd and gave him a bearhug.

Edd, who was trying to break free, gasped 'Air! Air!'

About 3 seconds later, when Ed loosened his grip, Edd fell to the floor and started breathing in and out very quickly (this may or may not help, but remember that Edd has held the "idiot ball" quite a few times). 'So you ready to go?' Ed asked, with a smile so big that it [metaphorically] came off his face.

'Sure.' Edd was somehow now able to talk normally. 'Feel free to sit down and watch some television. I have to complete the level I'm currently on. Afterwards, I would need to check if I have any money.' Ed nodded and sat down. He picked up the remote and watched some random show whilst Edd blasted some demons with a shotgun.

Once Edd completed the level, checked how he did during the intermission and waited for the next level to load (which would normally be a couple of seconds), he saved his game and exited Doom. He then headed into his bedroom and got out his wallet. After checking so see if he had enough for a couple of drinks – he did – he put it in his back pocket. Ed then checked his wallet and he too did have enough money for a round or two. He then got up, put his wallet back where it was and turned the TV off.

Once Edd turned off the computer and got everything sorted out, he and Ed went outside (Edd turning off all the lights and locking the door behind him) and headed to The Dive. Again, Edd COULD drive there, but then you remember that they're going out to drink alcohol. About half-an-hour later, they both arrived. Although Marie wasn't on duty, the bartender that was greeted the two Eds. They ordered their drinks (a mug of beer for Ed and a gin and tonic – with a slice of lime – for Edd) and, once they got them, sat down at a booth and started drinking their drinks.

Fifteen minutes passed. Ed and Edd were just sitting there, drinking, mainly because I can't think of a topic for them to discuss. Edd would've discussed the then-upcoming Windows 98 - however he then remembered that Ed doesn't own a computer. At that point, he got up, went to the bar and ordered another gin and tonic. A couple of minutes later, Edd said to Ed. 'Well, this is anti-climactic.'

Ed responded with an 'Uh-huh', despite not fully knowing what his friend meant. So, after an hour or so, Edd phoned a taxi using his mobile for him and Ed to go back to the apartment (and Eddy who, hopefully, is feeling a bit better would come and take Ed home).

(~~~)

A/N: Despite the ending (what is it with me and endings?), I think I managed to do quite well with writing a chapter which doesn't feature Eddy. Hopefully, I might write a chapter where Eddy isn't mentioned, let alone making an "audio" and/or "visual" cameo (there's a reason why those two words are in quotation marks). And now, as always... If you've read the last eight chapters, you'll know what I'm going to do next.

1. Though I do think that he was a bit OOC when he said this (then again, this is a fan fiction – who cares about characterisation?), Edd asking the reader to "stop wanking" was basically him addressing the fan girls. I myself have no problems with the original show's fans and what they get up to (after all, this story is 1/3 nostalgia fic; 1/3 satire; and 1/3 generic fan fiction), this is just the characters themselves speaking. Don't worry, this'll happen quite a few times (occasionally I will take a look at things that'll genuinely irk me, but I'll point out when). But why did he say that? Well, take into mind that, in this story, Edd is a bisexual pretty boy who – at the beginning of the chapter – is all sweaty after a long run. Yeah...

2. And, to make the above point seem even longer, the term "wank" basically means "masturbate" (or, if you will, "fap"). A "wanker" is an insult directed at someone (and "getting the wank out of this sodding contraception" makes no sense, although it is funny). I should point out that, in this story, Edd doesn't have the confusing multinational heritage (including being born in the UK) – I just made him say that for no reason at all.

3. That song Edd was singing earlier was It's the End of the World As We Know It (aka "Something Something Leonard Bernstein") by R.E.M. (who also did Losing My Religion). Whilst writing that part, I was listening to the song whilst reading a lyrics website and, hopefully, it's the right words. I could check again, but I'm too lazy.

4. Like me, Ed prefers Blur as opposed to Oasis (however, I will admit that Don't Look Back in Anger was a good song, ditto Wonderwall). To those who don't understand this point, just do a quick search on "The Battle of Britpop" and all shall be explained.

5. Eric (who didn't appear in this chapter per se) wondering how he got Debian 2.0 (when it was actually released in July '98; the "current" version back when this chapter was set was Debian 1.3) was me taking a potshot at myself. If it's something incredibly vital (like leaving a blank space for something, but not actually stating what it was until the chapter has been up for a while), I then edit the chapter. If not, then I mention it in a future chapter.

Well, that's all I can think of. Maybe there's something I need to point out, I don't know. Who knows, maybe there'll be only one update next month (don't worry, I'm only kidding. I'll try and put up at least two chapters a month, depending on how much time I have). So, take care, hope you enjoy this chapter and I'll eventually get to work on the tenth chapter, which – as previously stated – would get a little bit dark (though why this early is unknown). Alright, see ya.

P.S. To those who'll inevitably bother me wanting to know what a nostalgia fic is: It's basically how I describe this story – An AU fic where it's set in the past (i.e. here it's set in the late 90s/Early 00s, with the original Ed, Edd n Eddy show "taking place" in 1988/89). Before you can bung on a date and claim it's a nostalgia fic, you have to do TONS of research on the year you've set it in (otherwise you'll get complaints about someone playing Halo 3... despite it being set during World War 2). In short, it's probably what TV Tropes likes to call a "Contextual Reassignment" (it's on the "Alternate Universe" trope page thing); although whether this is familiar or unfamiliar is anyone's guess (hell, I don't even know myself). Urgh... I just felt like I tried to force something.


	10. Chapter 10: ODC Number 1

Edarchy

Chapter 10: Obligatory Depressing Chapter #1

Disclaimer: I don't own Ed, Edd n Eddy; I don't own any of the songs "played" in this chapter (or indeed anywhere else); and so on and so forth.

A/N: As promised, here is where we find out what Kevin has been through after the show finished. As promised, karma has bit him in the arse but there have been moments when it hasn't. It'll also explain why he and Jonny are "drinking buddies". But we can't let him have all the angst! No, Edd and Eddy have a few bleak moments in this chapter. Hopefully, I won't include any moments where any attempts at drama ends up being funny.

Oh and FYI: That "nostalgia fic" thing at the end of the last chapter was just in case anyone wanted to plagiarise this but use characters from a different show and/or a different decade. Now let's get this thing started.

(~~~)

It was 3:45pm on a Friday afternoon. Edd, who wasn't at work, was driving over to Marie's house. Though she no longer lived in the other cul-de-sac (the one that was being built – and not built – during the show), she still lived nearby. When he was nearby, he parked the car on the kerb and got out. He then took a deep breath and walked over to Marie's house.

Despite the two of them breaking up in February (it's widely believed that the two of them wanted a break), Edd still was in love with her. After all, she helped him come out of his shell, which is partly the reason he acts like he does in this story – although she remained down-to-earth and calm enough to avoid being an MPDG. He had come over to socialise and, eventually, tell her this. He could've just said this via e-mail or telephone, but that would make this chapter shorter.

He approached the front door, taking another deep breath. Though there was some sweat on his palms, he (out of character) wiped them on his trousers and rang the doorbell. The door opened but, instead of Marie answering the door, it was the drummer from Ed's band (except here, he's wearing a T-shirt for the band Nurse With Wound). 'Can I help you?' He asked.

'Greetings.' Edd said, looking up. The drummer was a couple of centimetres taller than Edd. 'I'm just wondering if Marie is in.'

The voice from the kitchen said 'Come on in, Double D!' The drummer stepped aside and allowed Edd in.

The living room had black wallpaper with white carpeting. At the edge of one wall, there was a wooden bookcase - mostly full of SNES cartridges; next to it, a TV on a table (and the SNES itself on the floor, as this is the 90s). Also on the floor, but some distance away, was a record player and some LPs (both of which belong to the drummer). There was also a red fabric sofa with a strip of scotch tape on one of the arms. As you walk in, if you go to your left, you'll end up in the kitchen; whereas going to your right would lead you to the stairs (which would lead you to the bedrooms and upstairs bathroom) and downstairs bathroom; and going straight ahead would lead you into the backyard. So yeah, not the best designed of houses, but that's all I could come up with.

After a couple of seconds of silence, the drummer realised something. 'Hey, you're that guy who works with Jeff.' He said to Edd.

'And you're that person who drums in Ed's musical ensemble.' Edd responded. 'My name's Eddward – with two Ds. Ergo "Double D".'

'Cool.' The drummer shook Edd's hand. 'The name's Scott.'

Some time later, after Marie had walked into the room, Edd got up from the couch he was sitting on. He then said. 'It was nice conversing with you, Scott.'

'You too.' The drummer replied. He then went over to his record player and, after scanning through the pile (somehow), he picked up an album: Dedicated to Peter Kürten. He then got the record out of its sleeve and put it on. As Edd was walking away from the house, all he could hear was a bell chime, some noise and a man saying "A man is charged with a ripper murder", followed by another bell chime. "His wife and his father go with him to court..." Edd then got into his car and drove off back home.

(-)

Meanwhile, Kevin was finished for the day. Before finally taking it back to the depot, he went to a petrol station. He filled up the tank, which probably cost him about $10. After paying for it, he then drove back to the depot. Depot, depot, depot. About 10-15 minutes later, he arrived back at the depot and parked the car inside. He got out of the cab and went into the main office. After clocking out, he then headed back to his cab, not bothering to say anything to any of his co-workers.

A few minutes later, when he was all sorted out, he got back into his cab and opened up the glove compartment. Inside were some papers, a couple of packets of strawberry chewing gum and a Luger P08. The papers were mostly for identification, but there were one or two scrap bits; he tends to chew gum when under stress; and the gun was a family heirloom: a tradition that started during the Second World War when Kevin's grandfather was nearly captured by the Nazis; he stole one of their guns and shot his way out, then made his way back to base as if nothing happened. After he closed up the compartment, he then drove back home.

A minute later, he turned on the radio to check what was on. After going through a few station, mainly those playing pop music, he then turned to a dance station where a song was about to start. When it did, Kevin realised it was that song from Trainspotting. When the singing kicked in, he sang along: "Drive boy dog boy; Dirty numb angel boy; In the doorway boy; She was a lipstick boy..." After a while, he eventually started dancing to it. Luckily, no one was around to film it.

When he was near the convenience store he reminded himself to get a carton of milk. So he pulled up into the driveway and got out. After getting the Luger from the glove compartment and putting it in a holster, he walked into the store. After picking out a carton of milk, paying for it and letting the cashier know that he wasn't going to rob the place, he put it somewhere in the front seat. He then put the gun back in the glove compartment, put on his seatbelt and drove off. You may be wondering why he got the gun out – this'll be explained in the closing author's notes.

At about 5:00pm, he finally arrived back home. He lived in Norwegia, about a couple of streets away from one of the places where Monster Condo rehearse, with Nazz, whom he married about a year or so ago. It was pretty much a quiet ceremony, with only a few family, friends and Edd arriving. They got married in a nice, quiet location (with Ed and Eddy "accidentally" going to the wrong place) and the two newlyweds had their honeymoon in luxurious... Detroit.

After he unlocked it, he went in through the front door and headed into the kitchen. He grabbed a can of Coke and headed into his man cave, full of sports memorabilia and other such things. The walls were adorned with newspaper clippings of him back when he was the high school football champ, his jersey and a shelf full of trophies, plaques and other awards. He would've played for the Peach Creek Harvesters had he not received a painful injury (even by the show's standards) during a game against the Orange Lake Crusaders. That was... probably karma.

Then there was the time in 1991 (when he was 16. He and Nazz were both born in '75, much like Edd in this story, but were originally in the year above him) when Eddy went mad and hacked Kevin's bike to pieces with a circular saw and plenty of extension cord, followed by him setting the bike on fire. Afterwards, when Kevin went out to inspect the damage, Eddy gave him a long list of reasons why the jock is a total douchebag who deserves some punishment (but not in that way, if you know what I mean. You probably do). That was definitely karma, considering how Kevin loved that bike so much. Though he started acting nicer, he still retained his cynicism (maybe for a good reason).

He sat down on a chair, put his can of Coke in the cupholder, picked up the remote and turned on the television. After going through many channels, he eventually came to a Public Access channel all about extreme sports. He took a swig from his can and turned the volume chair just as the host of the show showed some clips of skateboarders bailing (although they'll re-broadcast this later, but with clips showing blood and the occasional broken bone, Kevin decided to watch it as it was the only good thing on at the moment).

A minute or so later, Nazz walked into the room. She wore the same clothes as she did during the original show – but longer (considering that she's roughly 5'9" in this story) – and her hair had red highlights at the back. 'Hey.' She said, her voice being more or less the same as it was nearly a decade ago. Though she was being a bit quiet here, she isn't normally like that.

'Hey.' Kevin replied back. He too was quiet, but, again, normally he's a little bit louder.

There was an uncomfortable silence in the air. Back when they were dating – and some time after their marriage – the two were more social and outgoing, often conversing with other couples. However, 5 months into the marriage, Kevin had to go to the hospital after a hanging attempt went wrong (the rope broke and one of the stool legs was jammed into his anus. I apologise if you think I'm mocking suicide – I'm not). Some time after that, he was diagnosed with clinical depression, believed to be linked to his injury and, had it not occurred, he probably would've gone on to be one of the greatest American football players of all time. This... was definitely not karma. The silence continued until Nazz left the room, although no one knows what.

(-)

Roughly about the same time (give or take a minute), Eddy (and Ed) arrived home from work. Though he was ill on Tuesday and Wednesday (which meant he managed to escape any April Fools Day pranks), he got better on Thursday and was well enough to go back to work. Now that it's the weekend, he can now hang out with Ed and Edd. After the two of them got out of the van and Ed headed home, Eddy unlocked his front door, poured himself a small glass of juice and sat down watching the TV.

It was now 7:35pm. Ed, Edd and Eddy all had their dinners. Eddy – who had since gotten changed back into what he was wearing in Chapter 5 – then went up to his phone and called Edd. After a couple of seconds, because of Edd scrambling to find his phone whilst watching the news, the voice on the other end of the line said 'Hello?'

'Yeah, hey Double D. It's Eddy.'

'Salutations, Eddy. How may I assist you?'

'Yeah, I'm wonderin' if you wanna go for a drink later.'

'Might as well.' Edd shrugged his shoulders. 'I have nothing else to do.'

'How are you getting there?' Eddy scratched his head.

'Hmmm...' Edd paused briefly to think. 'Taxi? Since I intend to consume some alcohol...'

'I think the readers know why.' Eddy interrupted. 'I'll go over to Ed's and see if he's cool.'

'Alright. I shall see you when you get there.'

'OK. See ya, Double D.' At that point, they both hung up at the same time. At that point, Eddy grabbed his wallet and headed over to Ed's. When he got there, he acted all casual and knocked on the door, expecting his yellow friend to answer.

Instead, he got Sarah. 'What?' Clearly she was not in the mood, but then again, Eddy thinks she's always like that.

'I just wanna see if Ed's in.' Eddy replied, still acting cool.

After she shouted for him, Ed came running up the stairs and greeted Eddy. 'Hey, Eddy!'

'Listen. Me and Double D are goin' out for a few brews.' He said, although what he's saying might seem a bit... out of place. 'You in?'

'Sure.' He then took out his wallet and checked to see how much he had. After finding out that he has just enough he put his wallet back into one of his pockets.

'Don't worry, Sarah.' Eddy said, still retaining his cool. 'I'll make sure he won't come home drunk.'

'Make sure you fucking do.' Sarah rolled her eyes. 'And fuck-face!' She addressed Eddy, who turned round. 'Make sure that guy isn't on your lawn again.'

'I will.' Sarah then closed the door.

Once Ed and Eddy had left the cul-de-sac, the latter's smile faded. You may be wondering why Eddy and Sarah weren't at each other's throats, but that's because the former's secretly in love with the latter. Yes, when she was 16, Eddy noticed that one of his old enemies was starting to "mature". Because she was his best friend's sister (and because the age of consent in The State is 17), he decided to wait. Although he has yet to make his feelings clear, he's just waiting for the right moment.

(-)

Once all three Eds have arrived at the bar – and after Edd finished his cigarette – they all sat down at their usual booth, where all three of them are drinking beer. Over at the bar was Jonny and Kevin. The two of them became friends in December '96, though no one knows why; although the most popular theory is that they both share a few favourites (i.e. beer, teams, etc.). Despite Jonny being diagnosed with schizophrenia when he was 19 (he's roughly a year younger than Eddy, but since only 12 people – or 13 if you include Plank – bothered to go to junior high, they decided to merge some classes together), he still has Plank because no one wants to separate the two (watch Homecooked Eds to find out why).

A half-hour had passed. As the Eds were drinking their beers, the jukebox was playing Drive by The Cars. A couple of seconds of silence filled the air before Eddy went. 'I don't know what happened, but all I know is that that girl needs a hug.'

'Which one?' Edd slurred, considering that, for some reason, he was drinking faster than Ed and Eddy.

'The one from the video. For this song.'

'Define "hug".' Edd, despite being drunk, was sceptical.

'Y'know, stroke her hair and tell her that everything's gonna be alright.'

'Ah.' Edd finally understood what Eddy was saying.

'Jus...' Eddy finished his mug of beer before restarting his sentence. 'Just because I've been around a few times doesn't mean I can't love.'

Some time passed. After a few beers, they all shared a few stories. And there was Edd, singing in a falsetto along to the jukebox "I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here..."

'C'mon.' Ed patted Edd on the back. 'Time for you to go.' At that point, all three Eds got up, waddled out of the bar and got into the taxi that was waiting outside, ready to take Eddy and his friends back to his house.

(~~~)

A/N: Some of you may be thinking that I forgot how to be funny, despite the fact that this isn't a comedy per se. But then you remember that this isn't Family Guy or (apparently) Robot Chicken.

Yes, that's it for this chapter. Sorry if some parts left you unsatisfied, mostly due to things not being fully explained. But, as I've previously mentioned, feel free to use your imagination to fill in the blanks (in other words, I'm a cheap, lousy and lazy writer). And now for something completely the same:

1. The drummer is called Scott and he's Canadian. Don't worry, he's not a dick. Nor is his cousin Steve, who's the lead guitarist and lead vocalist of Monster Condo. And, just in case you think hard enough – No, their names aren't a shout out to American Dad!, this is just a coincidence.

2. If you don't know what an MPDG is, Google it. This is not me being rude, but rather you'll be able to find a better explanation on Wikipedia, TV Tropes or some other website than by bugging me.

3. The song that Scott was putting on just as Edd was leaving Marie's house was Ripper Territory by a band called Whitehouse, taken from their 1981 album Dedicated to Peter Kürten. And yes, that's how the song begins (though I can't make out most of what the man is saying – it's taken from an ITV news report about Peter Sutcliffe – the Yorkshire Ripper – being arrested). If you're not into noise music, I won't recommend listening to it.

4. The reason why Kevin took his gun out of the glove compartment before he walked into the store is so that, just in case his taxi gets stolen, the thieves won't use his gun to kill innocent people. Luckily, Kevin also has a conceal carry permit on him – it's in his wallet.

5. Kevin was lucky that no one saw him singing and dancing along to the song on the radio. Even if they did, I doubt they had camera phones back then. Not to mention that, even if someone did film it, they had to upload it onto the internet; which wasn't easy due to dial-up internet and RealPlayer.

6. Once again, I apologise if a loved one has committed suicide; or if you've attempted or contemplated it. Though I have to admit that Kevin's attempted hanging was probably darkly humorous (it was sort of based on a scene in Waiting for Godot, where one of the characters tries to do the same thing with his belt, but it breaks and his trousers fall down). Then again, whilst writing this, I was feeling a little bit down (luckily, I got better. And no, it wasn't caused by a lack of reviews).

7. One more about the former jock: No, I'm not making him weak or anything like that. Somewhat inspired by Travis Bickle from Taxi Driver (UPDATE: I've seen the film via some crappy "watch movies online" website - it's pretty good), here Kevin goes from high school football superstar to clinically depressed taxi driver. I don't know whether or not Kevin will actually try to assassinate anyone or anything like that, but we'll see.

8. You may be wondering why Eddy shows some attraction to Sarah. Well, I was inspired by The Choices Saga (especially Detest for the Con Artist) written by my good friend Flywheel. I think my characterisation for Eddy's love life here (he may enjoy sex, but at least shows some genuine appreciation for the person/s he's with) may have been me being original but, these days, what is? And before you start, I will be going somewhere with this, much like how I'll go somewhere with Edd's bisexuality. Oh, and some time after the movie, Sarah got grounded (for two weeks) because she was caught cheating on a test. It may not seem like much, but at least she's getting SOME comeuppance after what she did during the original show.

9. Eddy discussing the video for the song that was playing earlier in the bar is basically me saying what I think about said video. Although there's no right or wrong here, I do somewhat have a point.

Well, that's all I have here. If there's something I haven't explained, or if you need an explanation for an explanation, please PM me or leave a review and I'll let you know. Alright, take care and, hopefully, I'll get to work on Chapter 11, which, hopefully, will be released sometime this month. Enjoy.


	11. Chapter 11: 3000 Dooms

Edarchy

Chapter 11: 3000 Dooms

Disclaimer: I don't own Ed, Edd n Eddy. And so on and so forth.

A/N: If you're wondering about the title, it's because I was tempted to write "Doom" about 3000 times, probably because of Doom 3: BFG Edition being released. As you can probably tell from me constantly mentioning it, it's one of my favourite video games of all time. Who can blame me, really?

Right, I have an idea or two of what's going to happen in this chapter, but I'm afraid that it's going to be shorter than normal. I'll try to get at least 2000 words in, but we'll see how I do. After all, apart from explaining things (if something confuses you or to prove more information on something), I have those explanations at the end of each chapter for a reason. Alright, let's rejoin the Eds...

(~~~)

Eddy woke up in his bed. Despite drinking a lot of beer, he didn't seem all that hungover. Why this is, no one knows (although it's widely believed that, eventually, he'll become immune to drunkenness... somehow). After trying (and failing) to get out of bed, he literally dragged himself out. Right after doing so – and falling out and hitting the floor – he said to himself 'Damn! Come on...' Under thirty seconds later, he eventually was able to walk somewhat normally into the living room.

Lying on the couch was his two friends, though – unlike in Chapter 5 – the two of them weren't spooning (trouble in paradise?). Left to Edd, on the stand, was his mobile phone. Next to it was a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. 'I need a fucking drink.' So, when he got to the liquor compartment, he found out that it was nearly empty. 'Ah. Fuck.' Inside was half a bottle of vodka. 'Still, it'll do.' Taking the bottle out, he opened it up and drank its contents. 'Fuck, now I have to go to the store later. Unless...' Carrying on with his previous train of thought, he looked over at Kevin's old house for no discernible reason. Eddy then said something that sounded like "Right" before grumbling the rest of the sentence.

'Didja get it?' Ed mumbled in his sleep.

'Get what?' Eddy didn't understand what his yellow friend was saying.

'Nothing.'

About an hour or so, when everyone had – for some reason – had enough time to sober up, they checked to see how much money they had left. When they found out they had a reasonable amount left, they got into Eddy's van and headed to a diner, which was somewhere downtown. When they got there, and sat at a booth, they ordered a full English breakfast (with two slices of toast and no beans), a stack of pancakes and – in Eddy's own words – a "brain on drugs with a side of bacon".

Once they got their meals, they started to eat. 'So...' Edd was pouring some syrup onto his pancakes, trying not to spill any of it. 'Shall we discuss what we think occurred the previous night once we became intoxicated?'

After a minute or so of silence as they all exchanged looks whilst eating their breakfast, Eddy said one word: 'Nah.'

'Come on, Eddy. There must be something.'

'Apart from you and Ed huggin', I can't really think of anything.' Despite being embarrassed after finding that out, Edd found a way to hide it. He then continued eating his breakfast, still not trying to spill anything. 'Oh yeah,' Eddy remembered. 'Need to buy some booze.'

After breakfast, Ed was in the bathroom, Edd was outside smoking and Eddy was paying for their breakfasts (including tip). When he went outside, he checked his wallet, finding out that he didn't really have much money left. If he was younger, then he'd probably come up with some ingenious scam. But, ever since he got older, became more cynical and... something about the fact that I never ACTUALLY had the Eds scam in my original [crappy] stories, he then remembered that he had a credit card, so he could pay for his drinks using that. Just as Ed was walking out of the diner (being told that his friend paid for it), Edd stubbed his cigarette and disposed of it in the proper place. The three of them then got into the Eddymobile – Eddy in the driver's seat, Edd in the passenger's seat and Ed somewhere in the back – and drove to the convenience store.

As they were driving there, Edd realised something. 'Shit!' He shouted, although it wasn't loud enough to deafen his two car-mates.

'What?' Eddy was confused, but he wasn't looking away from the road.

'I forgot to tell Scott was Marie sometimes likes to do.' As Ed and Eddy both know who Scott is (Ed especially), they didn't need to be reminded of who the 6'2" passenger was talking about.

'What does she like to do?' Ed was curious.

(-)

Meanwhile, over at Marie's place, we could "hear" a lot of shouting, mainly from Scott. Though we couldn't see it, it sounded like he was being pegged. Whilst she was encouraging him to "take it", Scott then went 'Why the hell did I agree to this?'

(-)

Back at the van, all three Eds briefly looked up, wondering why I used my usual "in another scene" thing for something that was only three sentences long. They all shrugged their shoulders. Edd was about to say something, but didn't because of fears that it'll ruin what little humour there was in the previous scene.

About 25 minutes later, the Eds arrived at the store. As Edd and Eddy headed inside, Ed took out a quarter and put it in the jawbreaker machine (which will only probably appear in this chapter before disappearing again. Also, the jawbreakers in the machine are "mini" – READ: Real-life-sized – as stated on the "bowl"), with him at the right angle for the jawbreakers to fall into his mouth. Probably because he turned the handle too hard, every single jawbreaker in the machine came out and headed into Ed's mouth (despite the fact that this is damn near impossible). He then lifted his head and began chewing, which he was finding difficult. You may be wondering why he didn't simply eat the machine itself, although, in actuality, Ed got so stupid they eventually had to give him some intelligence.

At that point he walked into the store and caught up with his two friends. 'Hey Ed.' He then turned to his friend. 'Ed! What have you got there?'

Ed opened his mouth, revealing the many jawbreakers in his mouth, slightly coated with saliva. Pleasant. At that moment, Eddy, who was carrying two bottles of Jack Daniels, went 'Hey, he's sucking on some balls!' After fake laughing for a couple of seconds, he went. 'I hate the author' before walking off, disgusted with the observation he made.

After selecting his alcohol, Eddy went up to the cashier. 'That'll be $99.99, sir.' Either they've increased the price of alcohol, or Eddy's bought a lot. At that point, Eddy reached into his wallet and took out his credit card. After a couple of seconds, the cashier said to him 'Sir, I'm afraid you don't have enough to complete this transaction.'

Eddy then remembered that he only had $87.98 on his card. He then reached into his wallet and took out a penny and a dollar bill before turning to Edd. 'Hey, Double D. Can I borrow $10?'

'You better pay me back.' Edd then took out a couple of $5 bills and handed them to Eddy.

'I will, I will. I'm not like that anymore...'

When they were outside, and the jawbreakers somehow managed to instantly dissolve, Eddy opened up his van and tried to securely place his purchases in. He bought two bottles of Jack Daniels, a bottle of vodka, a bottle of gin and two bottles of Jägermeister. Afterwards, they all got back into the van and Eddy drove them all home.

(-)

Sometime later, Eddy was sitting alone watching TV whilst drinking a glass of Jack Daniels (with ice). It was nothing important, just a rerun of some crappy game show which only lasted a season. Suddenly, he heard a knock on the door. He turned the TV off, put his glass on a table and headed to the door. It was Rolf. 'Ed boy!' The son of a shepherd said. 'Rolf requires your assistance.'

'Yeah, I can't drive.' Eddy then grabbed his glass and showed it to Rolf.

'Don't worry, Rolf wants one second, maybe two, of your time.'

'Hang on.' Eddy then poured the entire contents of the drink, including the ice, into his mouth. After he swallowed it, he then put the glass on the table. 'Ready.'

He stumbled over to Rolf's house and into his garden. 'Right.' The 7'2" farmer began. 'Rolf is having trouble starting Rolf's tractor and he needs someone to sit in the driver's seat, fiddling with the ignition until it works.'

Eddy, who was wondering if his neighbour was acting out of character, asked. 'Why not Gerta?'

'Gerta's busy preparing for the Farmer's Market.'

'So?'

'She doesn't like being disturbed.'

'Right.' Eddy paused briefly. 'Why the hell can't Monobrow do this?'

'Pea-brained-Ed-boy is practicing with his band, yes?'

'But if he was here...'

'He'd be stealing Rolf's chickens.'

'Alright, alright. I'll help.' Eddy begrudgingly accepted. 'Besides, this conversation's been going on long enough.'

He then sat in the driver's seat of the tractor. Despite the incident where he lost his eye, Rolf still loved the tractor. The family has had it ever since they moved here and they just can't bring themselves to get rid of it. No matter how damaged it got, they knew how to fix it – although, at one point, Marie had to come in to help, though no one knows why (I'm sure you can come up with a better explanation than I can). 'Now,' Rolf grabbed his toolkit. 'On Rolf's command, Rolf wants you to turn the key.'

Eddy, probably surprised that Rolf used the word "you", nodded. Rolf gave the signal and Eddy started the tractor. The tractor spluttered as it came to life (figuratively speaking), although there was this annoying grinding noise. Rolf gave another signal, which meant that Eddy should cut the power. 'Do you know what it is?'

'No.' Rolf then knelt down and shoved a screwdriver... somehow... into the engine. After fiddling around a bit, he pulled his arm out, still clutching the screwdriver and gave Eddy the signal. He turned the key, but it was still the same. Rolf shook his head and gave the signal for Eddy to cut the power.

This continued for eleven minutes, with Rolf using a variety of tools to sort out the problem. When he found out what it was, he removed it and fixed the tractor (please note that removing the nut didn't instantly fix it, he removed it AND THEN he fixed the tractor). It turned out to be a loose nut, despite the fact that a) it would probably be something more serious and b) this has pretty much been overdone. At this point, Eddy got off the tractor. 'Can I go home now?'

'Of course!' Rolf smiled as Eddy dragged himself back home. The son of a shepherd knew that there was a lot to do before the Farmer's Market. Despite the fact that he hasn't entered any competitions or displayed his "wares", he still liked going down there for such as finding out how to maintain the perfect soil pH, what crops are in season and how to stop your animals from wreaking havoc. As a well-respected figure in the "farming scene", he has been part of the council since '93 (despite the fact that, today, he's 25 years old and is still unable to refer to himself in the first person).

When he arrived home, Eddy went upstairs into his gaming room. Selecting a game at random, he ended up choosing Rayman for PS1. He smiled as he opened the case and put the disk in the console. After closing the lid, he turned the TV and the console on, ready to play some video games.

(~~~)

A/N: Fists of love, baby! I have no idea why I wrote that.

Seriously, sorry it took so long. Apart from writer's block, there were a few... things... in the real world. But hey, at least I wrote at least 2000 words! And now it's time to pad it out some more.

1. Initially, this was planned to be released before the 16th October, which is when Doom 3 BFG Edition was released in North America (with Europe getting it 3 days later). However, as previously stated, I was delayed. Knowing me, I'd probably just get it because it has Doom and Doom 2.

2. Eddy wasn't planning on finishing the sentence after "Unless..." This could be because he's tired or there may be another reason. For that matter, I don't know whether Eddy's kitchen was close to Kevin's house, but hey – who cares about continuity?

3. Me claiming Rolf was 25 years old, despite me stating in a previous chapter that he was born in 1972, was not an error, so don't flame me because of that. It's because his birthday hasn't been celebrated yet (it's in May. That's all I'm going to reveal). Something I should mention: Gerta had her 26th birthday in between Chapters 6 and 7.

4. In the show, jawbreakers were as big as your face (again, I'm figuratively speaking here), as anyone who's seen the show would know. In real life, they're not as big, hence them being called "mini" here. Hope this clears up any confusion you've had. Another thing I should mention is that the same jawbreakers Ed was eating were the same ones made by The Jawbreaker Factory (yes, that's its name in this story, which counts as another reference to Edco: Rise and Fall), which is definitely the most imaginative name ever. P.S. I'm not responsible for any damages caused to your sarcasm detector because of that last sentence.

5. The Peach Creek Farmer's Market is an annual event where people from Peach Creek and its surrounding areas sample the local produce, enter competition to see who can grow the largest fruit/vegetable or just trade secrets. Despite its name, you don't HAVE to be from around Peach Creek to enter – there have been a number of visitors, contestants and sellers from places such as Lemon Brook and Applebay (with 1985's "Best Tomato" award going to a farmer from the Midwest). Rolf's part of the council because he's head of security (as there have been a few scuffles), because, after all, would you dare piss off a 7'2" farmer who, when angry, shows off his many muscles? Granted, you COULD knock him down to the floor, as it takes him about a minute to get up due to his height, but still...

6. Apologies for that brief cutaway of Marie pegging Scott (who's the drummer for Monster Condo, the band Ed's in. I'm re-mentioning this just in case anyone skips the first 10 chapters) – if you don't know what "pegging" is, just look it up (careful, it's Not Safe For Work). But, as I've previously said, I'll go blue once in a while, but not frequently. Just once every several chapter.

That's all I can think of. So, if you want something explained to you, just leave a review or a PM and I'll explain it to you. Alright, take care.

P.S. I'm also going to apologise for "1990's", "90's", etc. I've unfortunately fell into the trap where possessive means plural (in other words, people writing things such as "word's"). This is strange considering how picky I am when it comes to spelling and grammar.


	12. Chapter 12: This is the Twelfth Chapter

Edarchy

Chapter 12: This is the Twelfth Chapter

Disclaimer: Fill in the blank – I don't _ Ed, Edd n Eddy.

A/N: As the title says, this is the twelfth chapter. I'm not saying you're stupid; I just couldn't come up with a title. But yeah, twelve chapters and I don't intend to stop... until I reach my "deadline" of March 23rd 2001. For all 6 of my fans, this would take me a good few years, when you take into account that I tend to upload [at least] two chapters a month. The bad news is that most of them would be filler, like this one. The worse news is that this story will take me a few years and I upload at least two chapters a month.

All negativity aside, I don't really know what to do for this chapter. After all, I have a two-parter planned for chapters 18 and 19, and there'll be a 7-chapter long story arc for chapters 20-27. Also, in December 2013, there'll probably be a Christmas special, uploaded separately from this story so it doesn't mess up the original story's order (I'm not doing it this year because, so far, it's April in the story and October in real life). So, until then, you'll have to deal with filler. It's OK when you consider we learn more about characters and/or it foreshadows later events, but that's all that really happens. So, until chapter 18, you'll have to deal with some pointless crap. But hey, at least there might be some humour here and there.

Alright, enough of me, now let's rejoin the story.

(~~~)

It was sometime later that month (because I'm being a bit lazy) at 10am. Over at the Java Hut, Edd was busy trying to keep himself entertained, as there weren't many customers – Just Eric in his UAIOE shirt with his laptop and some guy in a business suit reading the paper, casually sipping his latté. Edd looked at the calendar, which showed the date as 14th April. After finding out the date, he drummed his fingers on the counter, despite the fact that his past self probably wouldn't like it. If he didn't work for a company that requires plenty of customer interaction and preparation of food and drinks, then he would just go out for a cigarette break. After a while, he turned to Felipe, his co-worker for this shift.

'Hello, Edd.' Felipe said, surprisingly in a voice that sounded like Strong Bad (from around 2001 onwards) with a slight hint of Strong Sad. 'What can I do to help?' The Mexican thought that his co-worker needed him for something.

'I dunno.' Edd replied, a little shocked with Felipe for about 8-9 months and this is the first time he speaks. Apparently he was so bored he was unable to use his trademark long words.

At that point, Ed, Jeff, Scott and Steve walked in. After they all ordered a round of coffees, Edd brought their drinks to their table. He then turned to Ed. 'Why aren't you at work today?'

'Bob is at the hospital, so he gave me the day off!'

'Is it anything that requires serious medical treatment?' Edd was slightly concerned.

'Nah, just a checkup.'

'A tubular round of drinks, gnarly dudes!' Jeff said, holding his cup in the air.

At that point, Steve looked at the bassist and said to him sotto voce: 'Jeff, you're 37 and your father, your brother and your uncle work for the city council. Why do you keep talking like that?' He was probably asking what we're all thinking, not that it mattered much.

'I don't really know.' Jeff responded in his normal voice. I haven't a clue what it sounds like, though. Luckily, he wasn't saying it in a disappointed voice, but rather he was also confused as to why he's so totally radical.

Once they finished their drinks, they left a tip each and then they all got back into Jeff's car – a 1996 Buick Regal sedan – probably to jam somewhere. After all, they have managed to write a song (an instrumental called Society Blows) and they're in the process of rehearsing it. They've also written a few other songs, which they have yet to rehearse. Once they feel they're ready for the studio, they'll get to work on recording their album, which they've been putting off for a while.

Once the four of them left the building, Edd sighed. It's not hard to see why, today was uneventful so far. And chances are that, by the end of the day, it still would've been a pretty boring day. Luckily, at that point, a few customers walked in and ordered their drinks. Sure it was going to be slow and uneventful, but... I can't even finish that sentence.

(-)

So, instead, let's move onto Eddy. He too is having an uneventful day. He does what he normally does: Cleans the floors with very little effort and help people when they're stuck in Doom. Easily worth the $8 an hour for 8 hours (and, since he gets paid on Friday, it means his total weekly paycheck is $320). Of course he wanted something low key – it allowed him to goof off with little to no consequences. If he was another "desk jockey", as he calls them, he'd get caught playing Doom and fired. But he wasn't, so he can drink, give hints and generally slack off, because hardly anyone would notice.

So now we come to the janitor, who's drinking from a hip flask, which presumably contains vodka. Once he's had enough of his drink, he put it away and cleaned a window. Normally, he'd try and chat up one of his female co-workers, especially the interns. But, there were two things stopping him: His job (after all, who'd want to be seen with a janitor?) and a number of sexual harassment lawsuits leading to rules cracking down on romance in the workplace (granted that, despite his constant ogling – which he was notorious for until about a year after dropping out of college, at that point he toned it down – he has been known for genuinely caring about his "conquests").

Eddy sighed as he cleaned the window. He too knew that it was going to be a boring day, which is what you'll expect in a story with little to no plot (and when there is a plot, it won't last long. But hey, at least it won't be forgotten about... hopefully). He would go off on a rant against the author, complaining about nothing exciting happening, but people would think he's crazy. Still, that's the price you pay when you expand a universe that was pretty much centred on roughly a dozen characters. I would carry on with some more self-deprecation, but I'll leave that – and explain more about it – for the closing author's notes. So, for now, let's continue with Eddy's boredom.

It had begun to rain. Although there were a few people who were complaining about this, mostly because they forgot their coats, Eddy didn't react to this at all. Not only did he check the weather and bring a coat, but he also knew that it'll probably go away by the time they can go home. He then pondered for a while, mainly about why he chose this job. Mainly because, as I've previously mentioned, it was low-key and no one would care that their janitor (although there are multiple janitors working for the company, Eddy predominately works on this floor) was playing video games when he is supposed to be working.

After doing whatever he was supposed to be doing, he then went back into the janitorial closet. It was a small room, containing a green wooden chair; some cleaning supplies on a rack on a wall; a mop and an empty bucket; a table containing some adult magazines (dating all the way back to 1986); and a box of tissues with some lotion. Yeah, guess what those last two items are for. Though, if it's any consolation, they don't belong to Eddy – Even I don't know who they belong to, so, as usual, feel free to come up with your own theories. Eddy just sat down and read the magazines to pass the time.

We now fast forward a few hours. In fact, I'm skipping ahead to after Eddy's finished work. After doing a few things, he got into his van and drove off home. He then drove home, hoping not to get caught in any traffic. As he left the office, he then turned on the radio. Surprisingly, the song on the radio was Dogs by Pink Floyd. Of course, Eddy missed the first minute or so of the song, but, from the sounds of it, it would seem like they'd play the entire song – all 17 minutes of it! He's probably right, seeing at the universe might as well bend itself to fulfil his every whim.

He then thought to himself, wondering if he should stop by the store to get anything. But then he realised that, not only is he broke, but he probably has some TV dinners somewhere. After a while, he returned home. He checked his mailbox to see if he had received any letters – He didn't. He then went into his house and headed into his bedroom. After taking off his jumpsuit and everything else, he then grabbed a towel and headed for a shower. Once he's finished, he'll probably grab a beer and watch some TV. If it weren't for the fact that there'll be a new MST3K episode out on Saturday, he'd probably go out of drinks.

After his shower, he then put some clothes on and went to the fridge. He then got out a can of beer and walked into the living room. He then sat down on a chair and turned the TV on. He then picked up the remote and scrolled through several channels (or as many as his cable would let him). Eventually, he got bored and just switched to the news. Hey, it might not be much, but it's still something.

(~~~)

A/N: I'm sorry if it didn't seem like much, but, then again, another one of my chapters BARELY scraped 2000 words (the minimum word count I set for each chapter), so, to be honest, it's much less disappointing. Alright, now that I've said a thing or two which probably doesn't make sense, I'm now going to do the usual:

1. I've said something about my self-deprecation. This is where I make fun of myself. Granted, it may seem a bit harsh – and I acknowledge that – but, in all seriousness, I'm willing to admit there are flaws. Like me writing what looks like author's notes mid-story, characters going in and out of character (it could be justified with the main cast being adults, but still) and a cast of OCs, some of whom aren't really that remarkable. I would add me trying to force a multiverse or something like that, but it's more like other people filling in the gaps because I can't come up with anything.

2. All that crap about my future plans for Edarchy (if I get that far)? I previously discussed it with one of my reviewers, who has said that I've got it planned out. Hey, when you've got a "project" this long, it's best to plan out some parts.

3. That song Eddy was listening to as he was driving home? Not only is it a good song (if you're into Pink Floyd or any other bands like that), but it also kinda inspired me to do Edco: Rise and Fall (to those who have recently joined us, it was a precursor to this story, which I later scrapped and abandoned before I uploaded the first chapter. Read my previous chapters to learn more). That's all I can add, really.

4. Originally, I had planned Steve revealing Jeff's age whilst they were taking a break during rehearsals (in Ed's garage). I don't know why I moved it here, probably to get it out of the way quickly.

5. If you're wondering about how Eddy pays the bills, then don't worry. He has some cash stashed aside for moments like this. Yes, it may be out of character back when he was about 12, but, when you reveal that your "awesome big brother" and all his badassery was a hoax, you do tend to feel a little bit disenchanted. Not to mention he took a money saving seminar during high school, which I've only mentioned now.

6. I don't know if I'm right or not about Eddy's pay. He works from 9am to 5pm, which is 8 or 9 hours (it depends on if you're starting from 9am and finishing at 5pm; or if you start at 9am and head to 9pm (12 hours), taking away an hour until you reach 5pm). This is sort of a big deal for me, not because I try to be as accurate as possible, but also because I'm one of the few people these days to enjoy maths (or "math" to you Americans). If you can't agree amongst yourself and it comes to this, please flame each other via Private Messaging as opposed to the reviews section. Thanks.

7. Apologies if it looks like I'm shoehorning Eddy into every chapter (and announcing when he isn't going to be in one). I don't know why I do this. After all, he isn't my favourite character from the show (that would be Plank), my favourite Ed (Ed is my favourite, for obvious reasons) and he isn't my favourite character in this story (Plank again. And I don't know or care about the OCs).

I think that's about it. As usual, feel free to leave a review (or PM me) if you're confused about something or if you want to offer some constructive criticism. Otherwise, take care and have a nice Halloween. And, hopefully, I'll probably write a more exciting chapter next time.

{Oo – RIP Ceefax (1974-2012). If you don't know what it is, just Google it. I'm not saying this to be mean, but it will give you more information than I can. – oO}


	13. Chapter 13: Apologies for Last Time

Edarchy

Chapter 13: Apologies for Last Time

Disclaimer: I don't own Ed, Edd n Eddy. I'm also going to take a break from these "cleverly-done" (note the quotation marks) disclaimers.

A/N: As you can guess, I wasn't at all pleased how Chapter 12 turned out. You could argue that I should spend a bit more time writing this, but, when you realise that Chapter 2 came out A FEW DAYS after the first chapter (and it was longer too), this isn't it. It's probably this damn writer's block which [occasionally] plagues me. It's that I have good ideas, it's just the events leading up to them (or wording what I want to put down) – although this isn't a problem per se, considering how the first three chapters (showing an average morning for all three Eds) took place at the same time, yet it lead to Chapter 4; not forgetting to mention how I referenced Eddy's résumé in a few chapters before he finally got a job in Chapter 7 (or Chapter 8 if you count him going to work). Long story short: I have no idea why each chapter ranges from bad to slightly-less-bad, but chances are it's to do with a writer's block.

Again, unlike last time, I have a faint idea of something which might happen in chapter 15 (originally planned for chapter 14, but scrapped for reasons you'll find out), which basically Rolf and Gerta getting ready for – and then going to – the Farmer's Market. Chances are Eddy won't appear in that chapter, but we'll see. As for this chapter, I, again, have no idea. But I'll come up with something. And, after the following paragraph, I'll rejoin the story.

Oh, and this is definitely unrelated, but this was originally supposed to be called "I meant "Expanded Universe", dammit!", as a response to me accidentally saying multiverse (which is where multiple universes are believed to exist at the same time. Or something like that) instead of expanded universe. This isn't Final Crisis, y'know.

(~~~)

It was a Friday morning. Despite the fact that he doesn't have work today, Edd still got up for his morning run; albeit later than normal (he got up at 7:15am). He was sitting on the steps outside his apartment, lighting a cigarette to celebrate another good run. Though he could've gone later, he still decided to use this time to get a packet of cigarettes from the convenience store, as well as a can of some cheap energy drink, which he drank before heading back home. Normally, he wouldn't buy such a thing, but it was the only thing he could buy with the change left over. Once he finished his cigarette, he then disposed of it and headed back inside.

When he got back in, he took off his clothes (except for his beanie) and placed them in the hamper. In all of his naked glory, to the delight of the fangirls, he then grabbed a towel from somewhere and headed into the bathroom. Once he got in, he then looked in the mirror and THEN did he take off his beanie. He then looked in the mirror and stared at something on his chest. He then turned to the reader's computer screen and said. 'I'm surprised that you haven't seen my nipple piercing.' I'll explain where and how he got it later, but for now, let's concentrate on him having a shower.

Or, alternatively, we could just skip ahead. 25 minutes after having the shower, he was in his usual clothes. Unusually, he was still feeling a little bit tired, so he dragged himself to the bedroom and went for a nap on the bed, not bothering to get under the sheets. He stretched his arms, and then grabbed a pillow, hugging it as he fell asleep. Only it won't last long, as four minutes later, his cell phone went off. After an exasperated sigh, he pinched the bridge of his nose and picked up the phone. 'Hello?' It was obvious that, despite sounding all pleasant, he was hiding his anger.

'Hey Double D, it's Eddy. I'm just wondering if you wanna come round mine tomorrow night for MST3K.'

'Sure, do I need to bring anything?'

'Nah, it's all sorted out.'

'I shall see you there if I don't catch up with you later.' Edd would ask why Eddy is calling this early. But then he remembered that it's a workday and Eddy's now got a job.

'OK, see ya.' The two of them then hung up their phones at the same time. After the call was over, Edd then put the phone back on the nightstand and resumed his nap.

About half an hour later, he got up and had some breakfast – a bowl of Chunky Puffs. Instead of eating it in the kitchen, he instead carried it out into the living room. After eating it and putting the empty bowl and spoon in the kitchen, he then set up the Nintendo 64. Once he did that, he then put on Star Fox 64. He had completed it before, but here he was doing it alone, seeing as Marie helped him defeat Andross. You can sorta guess where that went. This time, however, he was planning on doing it alone. Of course, he doesn't know if he's spending the whole day playing it or if he'll pick it up tomorrow, definitely some time before going to Eddy's. He then turned the console on, picked up the controller and, eventually, started playing it.

(-)

A couple of hours later, he was halfway through. As I've only played the first one (and even so, I wasn't very good at it), I can't tell whether that's good or bad. So yeah, just let me know. Let's get back on topic, shall we? Edd was halfway through his game when, suddenly, his phone rang. He paused his game and answered it. 'Hello?'

'Yeah, hey Double D, it's Marie.'

'What is it that requires my assistance?'

'Listen: My car's out of gas and I need to get to the airport.'

'Why?'

'Well, I'm flying out to Venice Beach, y'know, to visit my sister.'

Edd needed no further prompting; as he knew which sister Marie was talking about (he also knew that Marie was actually flying to LA, seeing as he also knew which Venice she's talking about). He then put the phone down (but he didn't hang up) to save his game. Once that was finished, he picked it up and said. 'I'll be with you as soon as I can.'

After the phone call was over, he turned the console off, grabbed his phone and then his car keys. After checking his wallet to see if he has any money – which he does – he then put it in his back pocket and walked out of his apartment, locking the door behind him. He then headed downstairs to his car, getting a cigarette out for later.

When he got into the car, he put his seatbelt on and started the car. He didn't bother putting the radio on, for some reason. He then pulled out of the parking lot and headed over to Marie's house. After about half an hour, he arrived at the house. Noticing this, Marie grabbed both of her bags and put them in the trunk. Once she did that, she opened the passenger side door, kissed Edd on the cheek and sat down, putting on the seatbelt. 'Have you got everything you need?' He asked.

'Yeah, I double checked.' After she closed the car door, Edd then drove her to the airport.

About half a mile away from Marie's house, Edd asked 'So... Why do you need to see May? Apologies, just exposition.'

'I dunno. Probably her birthday or somethin'.' She rolled down the window, the wind blowing in her hair.

'I see... And how has she been doing lately?'

'Well, she put up a new show on the internet.'

'And this is...'

Before Edd could finish his sentence, Marie interrupted 'Pornography.'

Edd's eyes opened wider than normal, although he was trying to pay attention to the road. He knew that May wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but he never knew she would go that low. He's just hoping that, not only does she earn a fair amount – enough to get her by- but that she's also protected from various sexually transmitted infections. He's also hoping that Eddy doesn't ask him about this, because he'll probably use Edd's computer to look it up (because Eddy doesn't have internet, he would sometimes come over to look things up), probably because he doesn't want any viruses, worms or any other malware lurking out there to infect his computer. After a minute or two, he broke the silence. 'And how about yourself?'

'I'm doin' fine.' Marie sniffed. 'Just trying to get by.' She paused for a minute. 'You know I am truly sorry for how I acted as a kid.'

'I know. And I already forgave you for it.'

'And we're kinda lucky that we got along so well. I mean, after a while, I just stopped chasin' ya, trying to fuck your brains out.' Although she was trying to hide the fact that she's "crying on the inside", Marie sounded more bored than upset.

'To be honest Marie, I sort of liked you too. It was a combination of shyness and you being... amorous... that stopped me from admitting it. Luckily, I managed to overcome the first obstacle and you the second. In fact, I have to thank you for helping me loosen up – something Ed and Eddy have been trying to do for a couple of years beforehand and failing miserably. Although I should point out that me not being so eloquent with my words was me confusing the definition of one word with actually something different.'

'Yeah, yeah, I know.' Although it sounded like she was bored, in reality Marie was slightly inspired. ''Sides, I could use this as a little break from Scott, y'know. I'm startin' to become tired of hearing "Erector" being shrieked at me.'

'Alright.' Edd was slightly weirded out, but still was able to drive. 'Can you explain to me – and, by extension, the readers – how you two met?'

'It's not really that exciting.' Marie rolled up the window just a little bit. 'A couple of weeks after you and I broke up, I went to that gig.'

'Right, right.' Edd knew what she was talking about. After all, the band that was playing had Ed as its rhythm guitarist.

'At first, we became friends. But then we started becoming close and... you know the rest.'

'I understand.'

'But don't think I'm weak-willed or anything, just because of this heartfelt conversation we're havin'. I mean, if he was to do anything abusive, he'd end up like that John Wayne guy.' Edd was creeped out again, but he had to concentrate on the road. 'Not to mention I'm pretty tough myself.'

An hour or so later, they finally arrived at the airport. When Edd arrived in the parking lot, he parked his car (obviously). For some reason, they both got out of the car. 'Well, here we are.' Edd said. Marie pulled out her plane ticket from her trouser pocket. 'Enjoy your flight.'

'I will.' She said. The two of them hugged each other and then kissed each other on the lips. You probably know how that feels; and, even if you haven't, you'll probably know how to interpret this situation. 'Besides, you have to remember that I'm a Kanker.'

As she walked into the airport terminal, Edd smiled. When she was no longer visible, he then got back into his car, still smiling. After buckling up, and then started his car and drove off. When he left the airport area, he then turned on his radio. After scrolling through all the stations, none of them playing anything decent, he then stuck on some Placebo, which happened to be his favourite band. He then reminded himself to get some petrol and, when he gets home, to complete his game. This time, he has to do it alone. Hopefully, he'll know what he's doing, seeing as he's actually completed it (sort of).

(~~~)

A/N: You may be wondering why I had Marie and Edd had a conversation in the car. Well, to be honest, it's to explain why she's not like she was during the original show. During the show, she was dominating, crafty, jealous and prone to anger. Here, she's much calmer (though if you do anything to annoy her, you might as well enter a shark pool and flail wildly whilst wearing a suit made from fish); slightly repentant; and probably a few other things, which'll definitely see some expansion. I'd like to thank Flywheel (again) for somewhat inspiring this part (seriously, read Patience). Keep up the good writing, mate.

Blah blah blah explanations:

1. Ah yes, Edd's nipple piercing. Though I didn't say it was there during the previous times he's been shirtless, I think it's best I introduce it here. Basically, when Lollapalooza came to Peach Creek in 1995 (just roll with it), he went with Marie, Ed and Eddy. Partly because of her encouraging him to do something different – and partly because he's distancing himself from his parents (though if you've seen the show, you can actually side with him) – he decided to get a piercing. For some reason, he chose the nipple. And that's all I can say on the matter.

2. No, when she was talking about that "John Wayne guy", Marie wasn't talking about The Duke, nor was she talking about the infamous serial killer John Wayne Gacy. Just... look up a guy named John Wayne Bobbitt, unless you're a man (though you might get a free pass if you're curious) in which case don't. That's all I'm going to say without explaining too much.

3. As I've previously mentioned, I had a copy of Star Fox (although it was called "Star Wing" – and "Star Fox 64" was called Lylat Wars – over here because of a shitty Atari 2600 game of the same name) for the SNES when I was younger. Though I wasn't any good at it, I wonder how I'd get on now that I'm older and much more nostalgic.

4. If I can come up with something for Chapter 14, I'll let you know before the actual story starts. Hopefully, it won't turn out to be like Chapter 12. This is a huge problem if you're writing anything like this, along with several good plots planned but abandoned and/or not expanded upon.

5. I don't know if you could pre-order tickets – or anything like that – back then. That is all.

If I've forgotten anything, please let me know via a review or a PM. Also, if you can, feel free leave some constructive criticism or anything like that. Alright, take care and... something. I fucked up at the end again.


	14. Chapter 14: During That Same Day

Edarchy

Chapter 14: During That Same Day...

Disclaimer: I don't own Ed, Edd n Eddy. Or some other things.

A/N: So yes, this takes place on the dame day as the last chapter, but it will mostly be centred on Ed and his boss. Much like the last one, Eddy won't have much of a role (he'll drive Ed to Automaton's Lair, then drive to where he works), but he will be there. I think I'm starting to get better at this, though it's too early to tell (and I don't have a huge ego, thus explaining the constant self-deprecation). We'll also explain the relationship Ed has with his boss (as in how the two of them interact with each other, though, after this chapter, I won't blame you for shipping them. Though why you would is beyond me), although it might not go into detail until later on.

Oh, and to the guy (here, I'm using it to mean "person") who made it all the way through OHD – Congratulations! Your reward is a spork. Once you find one, use it wisely. Alright, now I'll get started.

(~~~)

On the same day (17th April 1998), Eddy was already up. He was sitting in front of the TV, eating a bacon and three cheese omelette he made. As he was supposed to be work, he was dressed in his work uniform and he was watching some crappy daytime TV show. Currently, the hosts – both of whom appear to be as manufactured as the couch Eddy was sitting on (sorry for the bad analogy, but it kinda fits). No, seriously, they – a man and a woman – look like they're in their early 40s, with bleached teeth; obviously dyed hair and casual suits, if such a thing exists. They're interviewing another person, in a flannel fleece jacket, a plain white shirt (with the words "society blows" written on it, implying that Monster Condo are fans of this guy) a pair of jeans and some black Velcro shoes, who's probably plugging his new book or something.

After he finished his breakfast and put his dish back in the kitchen, he looked at the clock on the wall. The time was 8:19am. He then grabbed his van keys and then turned off the TV. After getting anything else he needed, he then headed out the door and walked over to Ed's house. Sarah was over to Jimmy's, as his car was still in the driveway. Eddy then knocked on Ed's door. After about a minute or two of waiting, Ed finally arrived. 'Sorry, Eddy.'

After noticing a weird smell, Eddy held his nose and went. 'Never mind!' I'm glad I keep these blue moments to a minimum, just in case you thought it was... yeah.

After Ed sorted himself out a little bit more, the two of them got into Eddy's van. Once they buckled up, Eddy then put the key into the ignition, turned it and began to set off. Once they left the cul-de-sac, Ed then turned on the radio and tuned it into STIL-FM, which was currently playing a commercial for a new store opening somewhere downtown. After it was over, the DJ then played some Judas Priest (more specifically, the song Grinder). Even though the latter isn't really into that sort of music, Ed and Eddy banged their heads to the music (though Eddy less so, he was driving after all).

Once they got there, Ed then got out of the van. 'Thanks for the ride!' Ed yelled. Eddy nodded and, once Ed closed the passenger side door, he changed the radio station, although what to, no one knows. Ed then walked inside the comic book store and got to work sorting out the comics, the toys and everything else. He then went behind the counter and got out his copy of Pimpsmasher #43 (where Pimpsmasher teams up with a pimp to save the mayor from a robotic Adolf Hitler "mega-pimp", who plans on transforming the Mir space station into a laser cannon, where he'll take out the entire Eastern Seaboard) and began reading it.

After a while, Lithuania Shirt and Tracksuit Guy walked in. They were still arguing over who'd win in a fight between Batman and Wolverine. After selecting what comic books they wanted, they went over to the counter and paid for them. 'So, Ed.' Tracksuit Guy squinted at the cashier's nametag. 'Tomas [Lithuania Shirt] and I have been arguing for the past three months...'

'It's not 24/7, I should add.' LS interrupted.

'... And we were wondering – Who'd win in a fight to the death between Batman and Wolverine.'

'Well, Pimpsmasher would come in, grab both of their heads and bang them together. Then he'd get down on his hands 'n' knees and repeatedly yell "I AM BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR BLOOD!" whilst punchin' the floor.' For that last part, Ed pretended to yell.

'Alright, then...' TG felt a bit weirded out. 'Thanks for the comic books and thanks for your answer.'

'Okey-dokey!' Ed smiled as the two hackers (if you've read Chapter 6, you'll understand this) walked out of the store. And, from the looks of things, they're still continuing their argument. He then got back to his comic whilst thinking about moving out for some reason. Foreshadowing, maybe?

As it was nearing 11:55am, Bob's head peered out of the stock room. 'So Ed, what do ya fancy for lunch?'

'I dunno. Chinese?'

'The usual?'

'Yeah.'

'Alright, now I need to find that takeout menu...'

After a while, the delivery person arrived. Bob walked up to the door, paid her $35 ($20 for the meal, plus $15 tip) and closed the door as she walked off. The store was empty, just consisting of Ed and Bob, the latter of whom was eating in the stock room. Ed, meanwhile, was trying not to spill his lunch on his comic book.

The time is now 1pm. Although there had been a number of customers in the store between the last paragraph and this one, it was empty again. Despite long periods of emptiness, the store always made enough money to stay above water, mainly because I don't want to be that cruel. So apologies for wasting what could've been a good story arc. But yeah, if there are any problems, Bob has some money stashed somewhere upstairs.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Ed was there still reading his comic book. He then put his comic book down and went into the stock room. The walls were mostly grey bricks and mortar with a grey "industrial floor", compared to the more colourful main room. But hey, there were posters of Luke Cage, Jonah Hex, Youngblood (somehow the previous owner managed to find a poster containing every member up until 1995), John Hartigan and, on a door which lead to the restroom, (from my interpretation, considering how it wasn't really explained. I'll go a bit more into detail in the closing author's notes) Evil Tim and his "good twin" Hero Jim. Next to the restroom door was Bob's computer on a desk, with him sitting on the seat playing Doom (he had just started E2M5 – Command Center – and was planning on getting to the secret exit).

'Hey Bob, I got a question.'

'Sure, Ed, What is it?' He paused his game. 'If it was someone givin' you crap, I can get them. After all, I'm a former boxer.'

'Nah, it's not that. 'Sides, you coulda heard them.'

'Well, what is it?' Bob asked with genuine concern.

'I'm 23 years old and I've been thinkin' about moving out of my parent's house.'

'Any idea where? Which is why I'm askin' if you have anythin' to give me.'

'So you want some advice?'

'Yeah.' Ed nodded.

'Why do you ask?'

'It's one of those things. Like why I'm not allowed to say...' Ed paused, trying to pronounce the word. '"Det-tree-men-tall" to my friend Double D.'

'Alright, I recommend waiting for the right moment. For example, if there are people living at home that have pissed you off, you can explain all their faults to them.'

'Why, did that happen to you?'

'Nah, I was an only child and I loved my parents very much.' Wish Ed could feel the same way. His father was mostly apathetic; his sister was a spoilt brat (but luckily, some time after the movie, she got grounded for two weeks after she was caught cheating in a test) who hung around with an accident-prone wuss (for lack of a better word); and his mother seemed to favour said sister. Not to mention his two best friends were an eloquent, germophobic genius who always wore a hat and a greedy megalomaniacal conman with an abusive older brother.

'Alright, anythin' else?'

'There's also moving in with people you know and trust until you are able to support yourself.'

'Thanks.' Ed smiled, for some reason, and got back to work. Just as well, there are a few people in the store, browsing for comics. And he wanted to make sure they weren't shoplifting. After all, the last person who tried to shoplift (all the way back in '94) ended up with a broken arm (although that was caused by him accidentally slamming it into a lamppost). And now no one dares to piss off the staff, considering that the cashier is 6'6" and has picked houses up from their foundation and dropped them on his two best friends and the manager is 6'3" and, as previously mentioned, a former boxer.

'No problem.' Bob turned down the volume and got back to his game.

(~~~)

A/N: So there we have it. Not as long, interesting or as heartwarming as the last chapter (coupled with the fact that it just ends), but hey, at least it's something. Unfortunately, this won't happen with Eddy, seeing as I think I've used him a bit too much in the first few chapters (it wasn't until Chapter 9 that I only had him at home, ill, explaining why he doesn't fully appear). And, with any luck, I'll be able to not mention him throughout the next chapter (not even in the author's notes or anything like that). But yeah, we shall see how I get on. And now... You know what it is.

1. I'm sorry if I'm forcing you to like Bob, so apologies if it looks like it. I'm just expanding on his character, explaining why Ed likes the guy. And who could blame Ed, really, considering his home life and his friends (not to mention how the rest of the cast can be a bunch of dicks). So yeah, Ed deserves something good to happen to him (not just having his dream job and an awesome boss, but also playing guitar in a band) so I decided to reward him.

2. As I've mentioned quite a few times, Bob was a boxer. Though it's not really all that important, I think I should elaborate on this. Basically, he was active from 1967/8 (no one knows for sure) to 1987, when he retired due to health and personal problems (in other words – a hereditary condition he found out he had; and a divorce). During this time, he got into comics, which lead to him getting a job at Automaton's Lair. That's pretty much it explained. It'll be revisited over the course of the story, don't worry.

3. I mention my interpretation of Evil Tim. As I've never worked on the original show, what I've come up with isn't canon (and may also contradict anything you or anyone else has come up with). But, to me, it's basically a horror comic (with some humorous moments) about a group of cultists who have summoned the titular Evil Tim (who appears as a dark purple gaseous cloud, but can inhabit bodies – living or dead), who plans on taking over the world. Meanwhile, his "twin brother" Hero Jim (who also has the same powers – except he's a light blue cloud – but uses them for good) tries to stop him by merging (in other words, ET can only be truly defeated by him and HJ combining their gaseous clouds). However, if this happens, then there's a huge chance that all life in the universe is wiped out (if not, then some of it is). Of course, this is my interpretation and should not be taken as fact (considering that I also "created" Pimpsmasher, a guy who goes around brutally killing pimps whilst shouting a lot of random crap).

4. Despite me giving Lithuania Shirt's first name (his real name is Tomas Astrauckas, not that it's important), I'll still call him and Tracksuit Guy "LS" and "TG" respectively. But he'll still appear every now and then, just not all the time.

5. The presumable hosts of that breakfast show Eddy was watching early in the chapter weren't actually based on anyone (but if they reminded you of someone, please let me know). But the guy they were reviewing? That was me. I didn't explain what he looked like or what hair colour and style he had because... something. You may not notice this, but it's quite probably the only time in this story where I'm not putting myself down, considering how this guy's reasonably successful.

6. Yes, the word Edd said which caused him to not be so eloquent was "detrimental". This was – ashamedly – based on a real life event where I used "detrimental", thinking it meant "support" or something like that. Then again, I bet that, most of the time, the writers didn't know what the hell Edd was saying, which may have lead to some mistakes, I don't know. Again, let me know if they did.

7. Admit it – Some of you wish Pimpsmasher was a real comic book (I should also add that he's my favourite character so far, so apologies if it looks like I'm metaphorically shoving him down your throats). Although I should point out that the "mecha Hitler pimp" wasn't me acting like... that (you can find an explanation on my profile page, but I really don't want to talk about it). Oh, and no one knows when Pimpsmasher is set (not even the creators), which explains why Mir (think of it as a Soviet – then Russian – version of the ISS) is still up there when, in reality, it was decommissioned and deorbited over a decade ago (at the time of this writing, of course). Now that I think about it, it's not really that great a parody (but hey, at least it's not following the "Seltzerbergian" style of parody), but at least it's somewhat entertaining.

8. WORDSWORDSWORDS.

So I think that's about it here. I could've made it longer and better, but I don't know what stopped me. But now, I'm going to get to work on the next chapter. Hopefully, it'll be OK, although one or two things would probably be a bit... unexpected, unannounced and out of the blue. Either way, it only depends on whether or not you consider it a good read. Feel free to leave a review and/or some constructive criticism, as it might help me with the story (even if you don't, I'll still continue it). Alright, take care and I shall update soon (after all, this gets at least two updates a month – this is the second one).

P.S. If you do have a favourite character, feel free to tell me about it (via review or PM). It's not really that important, I'm just curious is all.


	15. Chapter 15: Farmers' Market

Edarchy

Chapter 15: Farmers' Market

Disclaimer: I don't own Ed, Edd n Eddy. There's also a song featured which I don't own. I think that's about it.

A/N: Because of a review I received, I'll try to show most things as opposed to tell you about them. This may be a bit difficult, seeing as some of it is padding and the rest of it would probably be mentioned in a future chapter, but I'll try (and besides, it might make this story slightly better). But yeah, we shall see if I can do it and, if I can do it, if I can keep it up. Although it was merely his opinion, he does raise a good point, so, again, thanks.

So, here we are a week after the last one. Marie's back from Venice Beach, Edd's picking her up from the airport and Gerta and Rolf are preparing for the Farmers' Market (hopefully, this might be the first chapter that's spread over two days). What crazy antics may ensue? Probably none, but at least there might be a laugh or two. It depends on how well-written they are. Alright, since I can't think of anything else to say, I'll start writing.

(~~~)

Friday 24th April, 1998. Edd was waiting by his car in the airport car park smoking a cigarette. He was waiting for Marie, as she was back from her holiday. He stood there, looking at the terminal hoping for Marie to arrive. He briefly looked at the huge clock above the entrance, which showed the time was 12:45 (and, since it was a bright day, it obviously meant it was 12:45pm), then looked back down at the terminal entrance. Just as Marie was walking out of the terminal, Edd had finished his cigarette. He flicked it onto the floor, stubbed it out with his foot and – remembering that he was littering – picked it up and put it somewhere. When she arrived at the car, she gave Edd a kiss on the cheek. 'Hey.' She pretty much looked the same as before the trip, but, not only was she carrying a suitcase, she was also wearing a pair of $5.99 sunglasses with a black frame.

Edd then smiled as he helped her put her suitcase into the trunk, although it was slightly obvious that he was struggling. After he lifted the heavy suitcase into the trunk, he closed it and got back into the car. He put the cigarette end into the "ashtray" and sat down. 'How was your vacation?' He asked as he sat down on the driver's seat, putting on his seatbelt.

'It was alright.' She replied as Edd started the car and backed out of the parking space. 'A few pervs tried hitting on me but I fended them off in true Kanker style.'

'Right, right.' He knew what she was talking about. 'Anything else?'

'Well, my sister and I fought a little – nothing new there. And, on Monday, she showed me the set of her latest film.'

'Oh?' He then remembered what field of work May worked in. 'Oh. Right.'

After a while, Edd turned on the radio. He then tuned into a random station. An ad for a new car had finished and currently the DJ was talking about something. Twenty seconds later, a song finally played – The Ballad of Tom Jones. Normally she wouldn't be into this sort of music, but dating Edd for 5 years had gotten her into alternative. Besides, this song was playing elsewhere and it instantly reminded her of him (and it wasn't the lyrics if you plan on listening to the song). After listening along, when it got to the chorus, the two of them sang along:

"You stopped us from killing each other  
Tom Jones, Tom Jones  
You'll never know but you saved our lives  
Tom Jones, Tom Jones"

"I've never thrown my knickers at you!" Edd sang.

"And I don't come from Wales..." Marie did the same. After realised that they both sang the wrong parts, they both looked away, embarrassed (although Edd still managed to keep his eyes on the road). It gets slightly worse when you realise that they're both sober. Afterwards, they decided that it would be a good idea to sit in silence.

Some time later, Edd asked, 'So, what do you have planned after I have driven you home?'

'Nothin' much. Shower, maybe. I dunno.'

About 10 minutes later, they then arrived at Marie's house. After parking on the kerb, they both got out. Edd then went to the trunk of his car and opened it. Marie then got out her suitcase and carried it to her front door with Edd walking alongside her. 'Well, here I am.'

'Anything else I can do?'

'Nah, you can go home if you want.'

'Besides, I have to be at work by 3:30.'

'Alright, thanks for takin' me to and from the airport and I'll see ya when I see ya.'

The two of them then kissed each other on the lips. However, this was slightly longer than the one from a couple of chapters ago and slightly more romantic. Maybe they were still into each other, who knows? Afterwards, Edd headed to his car and Marie headed into her house. Once he got in and put on his seatbelt, he then put his key into the ignition and drove back home. He put on the radio, hoping for something good. When that didn't work, he then stuck on some MSP.

When he arrived home – and after parking his car and all that – he entered his apartment. He noticed that there were a few letters on the floor. One of them was a letter from his mother about a holiday she and Edd's father took a month ago, one was a bill (which he could pay over the weekend) and one was junk mail. He then put them down on the table and went into his room, grabbing a towel. He then opened the bathroom door and... you know what happens next.

(-)

Later on in the day (at around 3:30pm), Marie went over to Rolf and Gerta's place for some reason. Maybe to see how they are and if they need any help doing anything, as the farmers' market was tomorrow. She didn't bother driving, as it wasn't really that long a walk. As she walked into the cul-de-sac, she noticed Rolf and Gerta were doing something (but I don't know what) – and he was wearing his security uniform a day early. 'Hey guys.' She said, peering over the fence. 'Need any help?'

If this was years ago, when Marie was one of the fearsome Kanker sisters, everyone would probably flee. But, since Marie became aware of what she was doing (eventually she ran away when she was 14), May later moved to Venice Beach and Lee (who won't be appearing in this story) later moving into a certain trailer in Mondo A-Go-Go, they're no longer seen as a potential threat, meaning that no one's freaking out and other things like that. Not only that, but, when Gerta come over as a foreign exchange student (for a month), she and Marie got along very well, surprisingly.

'Ah, hello, blue-haired Kanker sister!' Rolf greeted Marie who came over the fence, for some reason. 'Rolf is fine at the moment.'

'Hey, Marie.' Gerta said. Apparently, she has two ways of speaking: Quietly and softly, or slightly louder but just as soft. She then walked up to Marie, turning to face Rolf.

'I was wonderin' if you needed any help with anything.'

'We're fine at the moment, but thanks for asking.' She smiled as she moved her arm.

Unfortunately, it was somewhere where it probably shouldn't be. 'Gerta, you're touchin' my ass.'

'Sorry.' Gerta looked away and blushed slightly. Does this remind anyone of anything? Probably.

'It's alright.' They both smiled.

'So, anyways, what are ya guys doin'?'

'Well,' Gerta began. 'Rolf's doing a little bit of gardening, hopefully they'll be ready by the end of the year. I finished milking Victoria and I have a _little_ surprise planned...' Just as Rolf finished setting out the area, he reached into a bag and threw some things on the ground. Once he done that he grabbed a watering can from "off-screen" and took a closer look that he noticed something: Those weren't seeds at all (hence me calling them "things"); they were actually M&Ms. Gerta then turned to Marie. 'I didn't say it was a good surprise.'

Rolf looked slightly angry at first, but then burst into a smile. 'Ho-ho, thought you could deceive Rolf, yes?' He said, jovially.

'You should've seen what I did last year.' Gerta said. 'Last year, my brother Anders came here on holiday. I dressed him up in a wolf costume and had him hound Rolf for the day.'

'Only when Rolf pummelled him into submission until he cried like a newborn calf did Rolf realise who it was.'

'Best birthday surprise ever.' The son of a shepherd and his wife both nodded. 'He wasn't that badly hurt, seeing as he did a bit of wrestling in Videregående.' I don't know if that's the right context or not, so, if you are from Norway and/or can speak Norwegian, please let me know.

'OK, so it looks like I'm done here. Seeing as there's nothing to do, I think I might go home and watch some TV.'

'Alright, see you later.' Gerta said as Marie climbed back over the fence and walked back to her place. Though they didn't need any help, it was nice of Marie to check up on her best friend (apart from Edd, of course) and her husband. When she arrived back home, she then sat down and turned the TV on. After finding nothing worth watching, she then got up to hook up her SNES to the TV. Once she did that, she stuck on some Super Metroid. She then grabbed the controller and sat down again, ready to play her game.

(-)

It was now 6am the next day. Rolf was already up eating some weird meat-based concoction with a side of coffee, whereas Gerta was just having a bowl of cereal. They were eating quietly (in the sense that they weren't communicating with each other whilst they were both at the table), which wasn't unusual considering it's basically polite table manners back in The Old Country. Out of everyone in the household, they were the only ones up – Rolf's parents were still asleep and his Nana died a few years ago. He was still wearing the uniform he had earlier, whereas Gerta had the same clothes on as usual. Once he finished, Rolf got up and went somewhere to use the toilet.

About half an hour later, they both went outside and headed towards the pickup truck – A 1983 Dodge Rampage, slightly modified to fit Rolf because of his immense height. Normally, he would use Wilfred (or any of his descendants, considering how long pigs live for and his age wasn't specified in the show) and attach a cart, but, for a few reasons – the main one being it could only support one person and their goods – he decided to get a car instead. He also has a 1954 Buick Roadmaster, but he doesn't drive it all that often (often or not, it's normally Gerta driving it). They both got into the pickup track and they both put on their seatbelts (although, with Rolf, it's not really that easy). After Rolf adjusted himself, he put the key into the ignition, turned it, reversed out of the driveway and went to the park, where it was being held.

From 1946 (when the first one began) to 1985, the Peach Creek Farmers' Market was held on a road just near City Hall. However, because it took a break in 1986 (due to a planning permission-related error), it was moved to Peach Creek Park (and no, the initials weren't intentional, so don't complain) in 1987, where it is still being held to this day. Originally a post-war effort (although no one really knows what for; theories range from helping Europe to restoring faith in America), it was later changed into an "eat healthy" campaign in the 60s/70s. But, to this day, on the fourth Saturday of April, it's normally where people could hang out, share ideas about growing fruit and vegetables and all that. It got to the point where, since 1978, the Mayor had to create a council for it – Rolf had been on the council as Head of Security since 1990, making him the youngest member (he was 17 at the time). And besides: Would you mess with a 7'2" farmer with an eyepatch who, when angered, shows off his massive muscles?

About 45 minutes after they set off, they arrived at the park. After Rolf struggled for half a minute trying to get out of his car, Gerta got out easily. After Rolf got out and locked the car, they both walked to the main entrance. After showing their ID to a guard, they both walked to a tent, which is where the rest of the council meets before the main event. They both sat down and the meeting commenced...

(-)

A few hours later, the market was in full swing. Already, there were booths set up, people were walking around with their families and already there was an area set up (with a sign above saying "Thinktank") for people to share their ideas. And, though it was quiet, it was actually quite bustling. Rolf was busy patrolling the area – His immense height gave him an advantage, meaning he can look over people, but his eyepatch means his depth perception isn't any good. Luckily, there were other guards, who would be able to tackle any wrongdoers, just in case Rolf couldn't.

Currently the son of a shepherd was next to a stand selling tomatoes, whereas Gerta was around somewhere. Normally, she'd pull a prank - she has an inkling of what to do, how to do it and where to pull it off successfully – but she decided not to. Not just because it would tarnish her husband's reputation, but also she managed to strike the Farmers' Market back in 1992 (although no one, not even Rolf suspected it was her). No one got seriously injured though, although the only thing people can remember is that a rock fired from a slingshot indirectly knocked over some produce which caused people to fall over (with one guy having a soft landing. Don't worry, I'm not being blue here, he landed in some compost after sliding a few feet) and yet it's still amazing how Gerta the goat milker managed to create an alibi. Luckily, it wasn't that big a deal and the Farmers' Market '93 was the same as usual.

So where was I? Oh yes, Rolf was still busy making sure no one was stealing anything. Last year, he managed to catch a thief who nearly stole some watermelons (although God knows what they were going to use them for), although it didn't help that a few of the guards were humming some funk music that wouldn't be out of place in a car chase in a 70s film. This year, it was kinda quiet. So much so that he decided to go on a lunch break, which was fitting, considering that it's 11:59am (although Rolf doesn't actually know that).

He then sat on a bench (of a picnic table) and put down a brown bag. He then tipped out the contents – A sandwich which looks like it has 18 different cuts of meat, some mayonnaise, a couple of mushrooms and what appears to be a purple tentacle with yellow suckers sticking out (yes, that was the only thing in there). Rolf then dug in, trying not to spill any of the contents. As he took a bite, he flattened the brown bag, meaning that, if he did spill anything, it wouldn't go all over the place. He then took another bite, but the tentacle just slipped out. Onto the floor. Somehow, it crawled a few feet away where someone tripped on it, causing them to land on the table. If Rolf hadn't picked up his sandwich just in time, it would've flown through the air, hitting someone. I know I could've done more here, but I don't know what else to add.

And so we cut to a few hours later. And when I say few, I mean it's nearly the end of the event. Yes, again, I could've done more – Hell, this could've warranted a story of its own – but I didn't. This is because of a combination of writer's block and laziness... at least I think it is. So, Rolf and Gerta were busy finishing off whatever it was they were doing. The two of them reunited when suddenly, they hear a noise. 'What was that?' Rolf looked around in all directions.

'Nothing, dear.' The two of them then got back into the pickup truck and drove back home. Meanwhile, we see that, somewhere, someone had fallen for the classic "bucket of water" prank – in this case, they opened their car door just a bit and, just as they were about to get in, the bucket fell, soaking them (and the noise was the bucket falling to the ground). So yes, whilst she did pull off another prank, it wasn't one of her best.

Overall, this year's Farmers' Market was quite successful. Apart from a few incidents, there wasn't much chaos, virtually little criminal activity taking place and so on and so forth. And what a boring way to end a chapter.

(~~~)

A/N: Sorry it took so long. The usual problems. Also, my workload may or may not slow down next week (and indeed next month), but we shall see. And yes, this did end pretty badly. Although it doesn't make much difference, I at least know when and where this story will end up going bad. So now, here are some explanations.

1. Just in case you feel slightly uneasy about this "grown-up Marie", there might be some moments when she reverts to how she was in the show. Maybe she'll team up with Gerta on a prank. Speaking of which...

2. I have no idea why I wrote that bit (you know what I mean). It just came out of nowhere. I didn't think of it as I was writing along, I just had an inkling a few chapters before. I might go somewhere with it, though.

3. That song Edd and Marie were listening to in the car. As previously stated, it was "The Ballad of Tom Jones" by a band called Space (with someone called Cerys Matthews providing guest vocals). If you listen to it and find out the lyrics (and know what "knickers" are), it gets slightly funnier than Edd and Marie singing the wrong lyrics.

4. I'll try and get better at this. I'm not saying I will, but I'll try.

I probably think that's about it. After re-reading it, I don't think there's anything else that needs explaining. But, just in case, feel free to let me know via a review or a PM (same goes for any constructive criticism). So take care and get ready for the next chapter.

P.S. I can't believe that I've gone this long without mentioning Eddy.

Crap.


	16. Chapter 16: Like Everything Else

Edarchy

Chapter 16: Like Everything Else, It's Completely Inane...

Disclaimer: I don't own Ed, Edd n Eddy. Simple as. Oh, and they'll be mentioning a show (which is owned by MTV and Viacom). And a Radiohead song will be playing towards the end.

A/N: So, here we rejoin the Eds. And when I say that, I mean all three of them appear. But what will they do? Something entertaining? Sit around and have a discussion? I don't know. Then again, most of the time, I have no clear idea about what a chapter will contain, which explains why the beginning of the chapter (in actuality, it's just the opening author's notes) may end up different to the actual story itself.

Wait, where was I? Oh yes, I have no idea about what's going to happen next. Maybe something good will happen. Maybe we'll get another Chapter 12. I don't know; but I do know that there'll be something remotely interesting in the next couple of chapters. So now, let us start this chapter with – what else? – more Doom. Seriously, there'll be a few more 90s references than usual and, since I'm not going to explain them, you might need to do a little research – but once you do that – you'll get it and it'll be [slightly] funnier. Alright, now onto the story.

(~~~)

Eddy was in his gaming room, playing on his computer, still dressed in his janitorial jumpsuit. As stated above, he was playing Doom. More precisely, he was playing Doom II. Even more precisely, he was on Map01: Entryway. And, though it's not really that important, he was on Nightmare! difficulty (where cheats don't work, monsters respawn and, not only are there more of them than in Hurt Me Plenty (medium difficulty), but they're also quicker and more aggressive. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong) and he had just picked up the chainsaw. He would download a WAD, get a source port or probably play multiplayer, but, unfortunately, he has no internet, meaning that he's stuck playing the same levels over and over. But he didn't really mind, seeing as he's fine the way he is.

After he grabbed the chainsaw, Eddy (technically, Doomguy, but Eddy's the one controlling the character) revved up the chainsaw and ran into the zombies, picking up the ammo they dropped. He then switched to a pistol, shooting the advancing zombies. He tried then went along the corridor, shooting any zombies or imps that got in the way. Shame he missed a room where he could've gotten some armour.

He then entered the main room. After killing all the enemies there [that he could see], he made a run for the exit. He got in, killed the imp in there, picked up the medikits (or at least enough to restore him to 100% health) and exited the level. Once he checked to see how he did, he waited for the next level to load. And when it did, he paused his game and saved it. Had he picked an easier difficulty level (or if he wasn't in a rush; or something else like that), he probably would've also gotten a rocket launcher, a shotgun and some more pistol ammo. He knew this, despite playing it about 10 times or so, but he wanted to get it over and done with.

He then looked at a calendar that, not only appeared out of nowhere, but would disappear again when it wasn't needed (a bit like SpongeBob's doormat), which showed the date as May 1st. He then looked at the clock – which he put in a few weeks ago – which showed the time as 5:33pm. He paused his game again and turned it off. A few minutes, when he finally shut down his computer, he then went downstairs for a shower. Sure, since he lives alone and has two bathrooms, he could just go for a bath, but it's easier for him (somehow).

We then cut to 20 minutes later. He's changed in the clothes he wore in Chapter 5 and he has picked up the phone. He phoned Ed's house, because it's not worth going over. After he finished dialling the numbers and waited for a response, there was a voice on the other end of the line. Unfortunately, it was Sarah. As previously stated in Chapter 3 (or at least implied. I should've worded it better), she was wearing the same clothes she wore during the original show (but, of course, she's grown over the years, so she's managed to find clothes that look exactly the same, only bigger. I love explaining things for no apparent reason). 'What?'

'Hey Sarah, is Ed there?'

'Hang on, dickshit.' She put the phone down on the table. 'ED!'

Ed ran up the stairs, but it could easily be confused for escaped zoo animals fleeing their cages in unison. 'Yes, baby sister?'

'Phone.' She handed the phone to Ed. Afterwards, she walked away, probably heading into the kitchen.

'Hello!' Ed said in his usual goofy voice with his usual goofy grin.

'Hey Ed, it's Eddy.'

'Hi Eddy!' Eddy had to hold the phone away from his ear because what Ed said there was so loud.

'Yeah, hi. I was wonderin' if you wanna do something tomorrow.'

'Sure, but what?'

'I dunno. I'll let you know tomorrow. Say, midday?'

'Cool.' Ed had no problem with this, as the comic book store was only open Monday to Friday, 9am-5pm (although there have been a few moments where it has been open for longer; the most recent example being Ed's birthday party).

'Alright, I'll call Sockhead and see if he's down.' Eddy suddenly had a look of disgust on his face, seeing as he normally wouldn't use the term "down" like that. Not to mention that he still calls Edd "Sockhead" despite him getting a new hat (because "Beanhead" doesn't have the same ring to it).

'OK, I have to go now. Mom's dishing up.'

'Ed, you're 22 years old. Why do you still live with your parents? They've treated you like crap for years!'

'I don't know, Eddy.' Ed suddenly looked a bit glum. 'But yeah, I'm still cool for tomorrow.'

'Alright, see ya.' At that point, Ed hung up and walked to the kitchen.

Over at Edd's apartment, we can see he's trying to complete Hell Revealed, a WAD 'Hello?'

'Hey Double D, it's Eddy.'

'How can I help you?'

'Do you wanna hang out tomorrow?'

'Capital idea, Eddy – I'm free tomorrow. But where shall we meet?'

'I dunno, the park?'

'Again? We were there last chapter.' Eddy knew what Edd was talking about, so there was no need to explain it to the audience. 'But it does sound like a good place. Alright, I shall see you there.'

'OK.'

'Just one thing Eddy.'

'Go ahead.'

'How are we getting there.'

'I'll come by in the van.'

'Sounds like an excellent idea, Eddy. Now, unless there's anything else you want to let me know, I'm going to resume my game.'

'Nah, got nothin'. See ya.'

'Bye, Eddy.' Edd then hung up and resumed his game. He then opened a door and was quickly overwhelmed by monsters. Luckily, he saved before the phone rang, meaning he didn't have to restart all the levels.

Back at Eddy's house, he then went into the kitchen. After opening the fridge to get a beer, he went to the phone once more, this time to order some takeout. Let's just hope he can afford to pay for his phone bill this month. After he ordered some Chinese, he then went back upstairs, turned his computer back on and, once it loaded, resumed his game.

(-)

It was 9:30am the next day. Eddy was lying in his bed, still asleep with an empty bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand. To celebrate him completing Doom II on nightmare mode (only using the pistol, the chainsaw or fists) – except on Map 30: Icon of Sin – he opened up a new bottle of JD and drank it all by himself. Of course you shouldn't try this at home; Eddy survived because he's a cartoon character who survived a lamppost falling on him (no, really, watch Sorry, Wrong Ed). He lied there, asleep, until he felt something. He stumbled into his bathroom, lifted up the toilet seat and... he burped. That's it. 'Well, that was expected.' He said with a slight hint of sarcasm and plenty of emphasis on the "that". He then grabbed a towel from somewhere and went for his shower.

A while later, he got changed into his casuals (although, this time, he was wearing a long-sleeved version of the shirt). Ever since his parents divorced, he started using his Closet of Dreams a lot more often, as proved by him wearing a suit with no tie in Chapter 1 (back when he was unemployed)... just for essentially lounging around the house. However, these days, he just gave up, considering how he pretty much got a job that required the one uniform, leaving him with not enough time to dress up nice (although this leaves a huge plothole when you find out he doesn't work weekends. Sure, you might say that the characters in the original show – or, indeed, any cartoon – rarely changed their clothes, but still). After that bit of pointless exposition which is barely related to the story, he then got himself some breakfast.

After eating a bowl of Chunky Puffs, he sat around in the living room and watched some daytime TV. Of course, there wasn't really much that was worth watching, but it still didn't hurt to take a look. After going through a few channels, he eventually found a game show. It wasn't much, but it'll do. Besides, he's not really a huge fan of game shows (but his mother is) – he watches them whenever nothing's on – and he's not really in the mood to go on his PC or his PS1, although he still doesn't know how his IBM PS/1 computer magically got a disc drive (although he does know that Edd, who originally owned it, installed MS-DOS sometime after receiving it as a present back in 1990). He just lounged there on his chair, waiting for it to end and/or wait until he's bothered to play a game. Of course, it's a bit early to go to the park as he previously planned yesterday, but don't worry, we'll get there.

An hour or so later, when Eddy was sober enough to drive (in the not-too-distant future, next Sunday A.D. ...), He turned off the TV and took a look at the clock. It read 11am, which kinda makes sense when you took a look at what time Eddy woke up; guessed how long he took a shower and got changed; and all that. He then said to himself 'Well, time to hang out with the guys.' He then grabbed his van and house keys and walked outside of the house, locking the door after him. He then walked over to Ed's house, knocking on the door. As usual, Sarah answered it. 'What is it now?'

'Hey, is Ed here?' He said.

'HE'S SLEEPING!' Sarah yelled for no apparent reason. Maybe I'm just exaggerating her bitchiness here or there could be a more logical explanation. Or both.

'Well that woke him up.' He said, again putting some emphasis on "that". 'Way to go.' Again, there are some hints of sarcasm here. He may or may not have had moments like this (where he was being snarky) during the original show, I don't really know (I definitely need to watch it more often). 'Either way, can I see him?'

'Sure, whatever.' Here, she wasn't being a bitch, just uninterested. She stood aside and held the door open as Eddy walked in.

Eddy walked downstairs into the basement. Ed was still asleep, as evidenced by the snoring. He knocked on the door. No answer. He knocked again (this time a bit louder), still no answer. Eventually, he bust the door open (without doing any damage to the hinges or the door itself, surprisingly) and, of course, there was Ed, with his long legs and an arm on the floor (as he's outgrown his bed, but no one's been bothered to replace it. After all, when you watch Scrambled Ed and took a look at what was under the quilt – just before Edd was about to sleep in it – you'll understand why), his other arm poking out of the covers and a copy of Kuso Miso Technique (Yaranaika?) over his face. Ed wasn't really into anime or manga, so nobody knows why he has a copy, but they couldn't care less. Eventually, Eddy took the manga off of Ed's face and threw it on the floor. He leaned into Ed's ear – although not close enough to smell Ed's foul body odour – and yelled 'WAKE UP LUMPY!'

Ed immediately shot awake just as Eddy stood back. He then looked around to see what the noise was when he noticed his 5'10" friend. 'HIYA, EDDY!'

Ed then gave Eddy a bearhug, whilst Eddy kept thinking to himself _Don't breathe in through your nose. Don't breathe in through your nose._ very quickly. When he did just that, he then thought _Damn it!_ When Ed loosened his grip, Eddy breathed in and out very quickly. 'So,' He said in between breaths. 'When... are you... ready... to go?'

'Just lemme get changed.' Ed then got up out of his bed. He was wearing a sleeveless shirt and Y-fronts, pretty much his standard sleepwear. Eddy then walked out of the room and waited outside, leaning on the washing machine. Ed, meanwhile, ran into his bathroom and jumped into his gravy tub (yes, he still has it after all these years). When he emerged, he was wearing his usual clothes (the iconic green jacket, jeans and all that), except this time he was wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. After shaking himself dry (and spraying on some deodorant to get rid of the gravy smell – it worked, somehow), he then walked out his room. 'Ready.'

'Alright, now we have to get Double D.' Eddy said.

'Where are you guys going?' Sarah asked from the top of the stairs. She wasn't being a bitch, she wasn't going to distract them, and she wasn't going to block their way. She was genuinely curious.

'Down to the park. Why?' Ed replied.

'If you're going out, get me a copy of Teensters. Mom and dad won't be back until 5.'

'You sure you're gonna be alright on your own?'

'I once hit Nazz with a car.' Sarah explained. 'If a fucker was fucking stupid enough to burst in...'

After a brief conversation with Sarah, Ed and Eddy eventually left the house and got in the van. After they both put on their seatbelts, Eddy stuck the key into the ignition. After it started, he reversed out of the driveway and drove out of the cul-de-sac. Eddy stuck on the radio and tried to find a station worth listening to. Eventually, he decided to put on STIL FM, which, for some reason, was playing Inane by KMFDM. Despite the fact that Ed wasn't really into industrial music (but still liked Rammstein, Ministry and Marilyn Manson) and Eddy's not really into anything made after the mid-late 80s (but still bought and enjoyed Nevermind), the two of them still danced along to it. And that's why this chapter is called whatever it is. How anti-climactic.

After a while, they arrived at Edd's apartment. The song was long over and Eddy had parked his car in the apartment car park and gotten out, having told Ed to wait in the car (he was reading an Evil Tim comic from 1994). He then pressed Edd's "doorbell", which played your standard doorbell noise (you probably know what it is so I'm not going to type it). After a couple of seconds, Eddy was about to press the button again when a voice came from the intercom. 'Hello, who may I ask is requesting my assistance?'

'Hey Double D, it's Eddy.'

'Hello, Eddy. I'll be right down.' After a minute and a half, Edd opened the front door. He was wearing his usual outfit (or, at least, the usual one from this fic), except that underneath his German Army jacket was a plain white shirt. 'Shall we go now?'

'Yeah, you might have to get in through the back.' After noticing that what he said was vaguely wrong-sounding, he just shrugged his shoulders. 'You know what I mean.'

After opening the van's back doors and climbing onto one of the back seats, he put his seatbelt on. Afterwards, Eddy got into the driver's seat and, once he was all ready, he turned the key in the ignition and drove off. 'Eddy, so I don't forget: If possible, please can we go to the convenience store? I wish to acquire some cigarettes.'

After taking a couple of seconds to realise what Edd wanted to buy (he understood "cigarettes"), Eddy nodded. ''Sides, we gotta get that magazine for Sarah.'

After about 10 minutes, they arrived at the convenience store and parked the van. Ed and Eddy got out via the doors, whereas Edd had to climb back over the seats. After opening the van doors and falling onto the ground, Edd groaned 'We really should've gotten a door for the sides...'

A second or two later, Edd then got up and the three of them walked into the store. 'Alright, Sarah needs that "Teensters" mag, Sockhead needs smokes, I need some JD... Anything you want, Monobrow?'

Ed paused briefly to think. This wasn't a mistake, as Ed's smarter than he was in the original show (or at least some of it. I think I might've talked about this earlier). He may or may not be a savant; it all depends on whether or not I can be bothered to do the research. After a couple of seconds, he responded 'Nah.'

'Alright then.' Edd then scoured the magazine rack to find what magazine Sarah wanted, Eddy went to get a bottle of Jack Daniels and Ed wandered around to get some gum.

Eventually, the three of them met up at the counter, getting whatever they wanted. 'I thought you said you didn't need anything.' Edd was curious, not just about Ed but why he was acting slightly out of character.

'That's right – I didn't need anything.'

After a couple of seconds, Eddy smiled. 'Ed! You've grown another brain cell! What's that now, 12?'

There was no response and they all put their items onto the counter. Just as the cashier was about to use the cash register, Edd reminded 'And some Berlins, please.'

The cashier walked behind him, took out a packet of the cigarettes Edd wanted and eventually used the register. '$25.42, please.'

Eddy then got out his wallet and took out a $20 note and two $5 bills. After the cashier pressed a few buttons of open the till, he put the money in and handed Eddy his change. 'Thank you, come again.' Afterwards, all three Eds then headed to the van. After Eddy unlocked it, Edd opened the back doors. He put the cigarettes and the magazine on one of the seats and climbed onto another. After he got in, Eddy handed Edd the bottle. After Ed had gotten in and everyone put on their seatbelts, Eddy then started the car and drove off to the park.

(-)

Now, you may be thinking that this would be the end of this chapter and we'll see how they'll fare in the next chapter. Actually, for some reason, I'm not going to. This will be all one long chapter. This may be a bit of a bugger. Alright, now it's about an hour later (it would've been 45 minutes, but they stopped for lunch) and the Eds have arrived at the park. It was brighter and warmer than earlier, with families having a day out. 'So, what'll we do?' Ed was already excited.

'I dunno, let's find somewhere to sit.' And that's what they did. Pretty exciting, isn't it?

After a while, they found a park bench and they sat on it. Ed sat on the left, Edd was in the middle and Eddy was on the right, right next to a bin. After sitting down, he told his friends 'Listen, I am about to smoke a cigarette. I'm just pre-warning you, gentlemen.'

'Go ahead.' Eddy was clearly apathetic.

Edd opened his new packet of cigarettes and took one out. He then reached out from underneath his beanie and took out his lighter. He placed the cigarette in his mouth and lit it up. After inhaling and exhaling, he sighed 'Needed that.'

A few minutes later, Ed was reading the magazine, Edd was nearly finished with his cigarette and Eddy was taking a couple of swigs of vodka and lemon from his hip flask. After Edd finished his cigarette, he stubbed it out on the ground. Afterwards, he calculated the wind speed and other conditions. He then tried to flick his cigarette butt into the correct bin – He managed to successfully. Eddy then peered at the magazine. '"How to Combine Pink and Red Successfully"? Ed, are you tryin' to join the Fashion Club?'

Ed smiled, probably because he knew what Eddy was talking about. 'By the way, which is my best side?' He said, moving his head left and right. 'I know they're both good.'

Eddy them smiled too. He knew that they were going to repeat Chapter 4 (this time, instead of MST3K, Ed and Eddy were going to reference the latter's favourite TV show), but he didn't really care. 'I don't know. After all, your pores are cute. And tiny.'

'Must be the glitter berries.'

Edd looked both ways, originally planning to make them stop, but, much like Chapter 4, he eventually joined in. By humming the show's theme tune. 'Why do I keep doing this?' He muttered to himself.

After a while, Eddy had calmed down, not knowing why he did what he did. All he knows is that Edd has to drive, as Eddy's had some alcohol (the drink-drive limit is 0.25g/l, Eddy's probably just passed that). He then noticed a couple walking together, hand in hand. This only grabbed his attention because of how saccharine it was – Calling each other pet names, cuddling (somehow), all that crap. Upon noticing it, he then turned to Ed and Edd. ''Scuse me a moment.'

He then shoved his head into the bin and vomited loudly for about five seconds. He then took his head out afterwards and breathed in and out quickly (surprisingly, there were no chunks around his mouth). Afterwards, he did the same thing again. If you could somehow record this and put in an instrumental backing consisting of heavy guitars (both bass and electric) and drums, you'll get about 5% of every death metal song ever made (if you are into DM, I recommend you think of this as self-deprecation, even though I'm not really into the genre). When he finished, he stuck his head out and wiped his mouth with his sleeve, shaking his arm up and down afterwards. Edd, upon noticing this, raised an eyebrow (or it seemed like it, considering that – if he had any – they were buried underneath his hat) and said 'Ew.'

'Don't worry.' Eddy responded. 'It was the booze from last night.' And he was right, if you remember what happened earlier. Curiously, his sleeve is now dry and no longer stained.

It was now 1pm. Although they were bored, it still didn't hurt them to get out and do something different. They all got up, with Ed grabbing the magazine so he doesn't forget – and headed back towards the van. When they got there, Eddy handed the keys to Edd. 'Since Ed don't have a license and I'm too drunk to drive – damn laws – you're drivin'.'

'Seems reasonable.' Afterwards Eddy got into the back seats the same way Edd did earlier, whereas Edd got in through the driver's door. Ed just got into the passenger's seat as usual. Once they were all strapped in and ready, Edd then started the car, reversed out of the parking lot and drove back to the cul-de-sac, sticking on the radio and tuning it to an alternative station (which had started playing Just by Radiohead).

When the song was over, there was an ad playing for a new amusement park. 'Hey guys,' Eddy began. 'Remember Requiem for a Whiplash?'

'That rollercoaster we made when we were kids? The one that makes Action Park seem like Rubberland?' Rubberland, of course, being a short-lived amusement park (in this universe, hence me explaining it) that was overly safe. For some strange reason (or not-so-strange, depending on your point of view), it attracted a surprising amount of BDSM enthusiasts who were later disappointed when they found out what the park actually was.

'Yeah.'

'What about it?'

'Nothing; the author just wanted to pad out this chapter even more.'

After a while, the Eds eventually returned to the cul-de-sac. Once Edd parked the van in Eddy's driveway, they all got out. Ed and Eddy went back to their respective homes, whereas Edd got out his cell phone and called Marie. After waiting a little while, he finally got a response. 'Marie K.'

'Hello Marie, it's Double D. I'm just outside Eddy's house and I'm wondering if you can please drive me back to my apartment.'

'What can't ya do it yourself?' After he briefly explained the events of this chapter, she said 'Yeah, I'll be there.'

'Thank you.' They both hung up at the same time and he waited for the Mustang to take him home so he can play more Doom. Doom!

(~~~)

A/N: Inane is actually a word. It basically means "empty". Don't flame me because you thought I made a typo.

So there we have it. I might not do something that long for a while. I know each of the three chapters of the Christmas special (still coming December '13, if we survive) will be long (probably longer than this), but, apart from that, we don't know yet. And, since I have nothing to say, I'll now cut to the explanations:

1. I've decided to not explain any 90s references. If it's a show, a film or a song (or anything like that), I'll mention it in the disclaimer, but I won't reveal what it actually is. I might've mentioned this before, I don't really know.

2. I'm sorry for the scene where Eddy vomited into a bin. I'm also [probably] sorry for the death metal thing. Hell, I'm also sorry for [probably] explaining what Kuso Miso Technique was. But I'm not sorry for that "Rubberland" bit (which, when you look at it, can be a bit clever).

3. You know that show that Ed and Eddy (and, eventually, Ed) were referencing? Yeah, it's going to be referenced a lot. Sorry if you don't like it, but it happens to be one of my favourite shows. P.S. I know that "glitter berries" weren't FC-related, but one of the members did say something about them...

4. In chapter 1, I wrote about Eddy putting in a disc copy of Duke Nukem 3D into his CD-tray. I retconned this as it wouldn't make that much sense (after all, it's a DOS computer) and because Eddy doesn't really seem all that up-to-date (made extremely clear when Eddy's room has posters of Barry White and Tom Jones, plus other crap from the 70s... just as long as you think the show took place in the 80s or afterwards). But yeah, nice that I remembered it.

5. Although it was unimportant, the reason why Edd was wearing a different undershirt than normal was that he couldn't find any of his usual black shirts. Rather than panic like he would when he was younger, he calmly searched for an alternative – a plain white t-shirt he got a while ago but never bothered to wear for some reason.

6. There have been Doom Speedruns since the 1990s. Now there are separate categories for those doing a pacifist run, Ultra Violence difficulty with respawning (or fast) monsters, etc. It can get quite challenging, yes, and there have been times when one is borderline impossible, but, when you know what you are doing, it's not really that hard. Then again, I don't really have any interest in doing one and I'm only mentioning this because it looked like Eddy was doing one early on in the Chapter. Also, this explanation helps pad this out.

That's all I can think of now. If I've missed anything, if you have any constructive criticism or if you want to say something about the chapter, feel free to leave a review or PM me. Otherwise, take care and get ready for the next chapter. Eventually, I'll introduce Jimmy and try and do more with Kevin and Jonny.


	17. Chapter 17: You're Still Reading Edarchy

Edarchy

Chapter 17: You're Still Reading Edarchy. Why?

Disclaimer: I don't own Ed, Edd n Eddy. Sonic Youth and one of their songs (as well as the album it was on) also belongs to... whoever. Probably the band members themselves.

So, here we are. Seventeen chapters in. Not only did I pre-warn everyone that this'll take me a while but, as a possible side effect, I still feel like I'm writing the beginning of it. Then again, this is justified – It does take place from 1998-2001. But, if you somehow like it – and you're following it (if you haven't please follow now, otherwise you'll come back later to find out that a lot of crap has happened, which would take a while for you to finally get up to date) – then enjoy the ride, because it'll take a while.

So what'll happen here? I don't know as of yet. Eventually I'll make my mind up as I go along. I do have something planned for a future chapter, but it'll be before 1999 starts: All I'm revealing at the moment is that it involved the Eds and Eric (the OC that's into industrial music and computer hacking). But here, in this chapter? I don't really know. Chances are that it'll be short and boring (compared to the last chapter, which was long and slightly less boring; or Chapters 13-15, which were short and slightly-less-boring-but-not-by-much). Either way, here goes.

(~~~)

Monday 4th May, 1998. Over at the McGee household, we see Eddy, still asleep. Probably dreaming about making out with some attractive women (and probably a few attractive men), which seems sort of in character for him (both in the original show – although the "men" part remains slightly sketchy – and whatever the hell I've derailed him into now). Whatever it was, he looked kinda happy with it. So much so that I'm going to annoy him by having his alarm go off at this moment.

Yes, whatever dream he was having was rudely interrupted by a loud ringing sound. Eddy's eyes shot wide open as he struggled to find where the noise was coming from. After a while, he found out it was his alarm clock. After checking the time – 7:15am, his usual getting-up time for work - he turned it off and got out of bed. He then yawned and got out of bed, wearing nothing more than a pair of yellow and blue vertical-striped boxers. He pulled them up, as they were drooping, and headed to the bathroom.

After his shower and getting changed into his uniform, he went into the kitchen and turned on the radio (which he bought in 1991, I only mentioned it now). It was basically a boombox, but Eddy mainly used it as a radio (as he never really bothered with cassette tapes unless they're for the van). He turned it on and searched for a random station. After about 10 seconds, he found one, where the DJ – a calm-voiced man – had finished a call with a listener, probably someone requesting a song. 'Next up, we have Sonic Youth's latest single. And at 8:25, we'll be joined by Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon themselves, who'll tell us about their new album coming out next week. But, until then, here's Sunday. Take it away.'

When he finished his sentence, he put the song on. Eddy – who had been a fan of Sonic Youth after buying a copy of Goo a week after it came out – nodded his head, probably in a "fuck, yeah!" kind of way. Thing.

Even though he finished some years ago, the song reminded him of high school. You see, after the events of the movie and being accepted by the kids (when he should've given them each a speech about why they're all terrible people; and, although he'd say a few things he dislikes about them, he'd rather remain friends with Ed and Edd), he lost interest in scamming and money in general. Eventually, he reverted back to only hanging out Ed and Edd. Though, in his Sophomore/Junior year, his then-infamous slightly-overactive sex drive came into being, although he managed to subdue it from time to time (although this didn't stop him from getting a girlfriend in Senior year, although the relationship was sexless, which meant that his "soft serve" was more like "self-serve").

After he was done reminiscing, he made himself a cup of coffee. He's not sure how the song reminded of his youth, but oh well. Maybe it's the girlfriend thing. After all, Sonic Youth was one thing that all three Eds liked: Ed got into them due to his work in Monster Condo; Edd because it's alternative (which I said a few chapters ago); and Eddy just because. After taking a sip of his freshly-made coffee, he made himself a bowl of Chunky Puffs, as he really didn't have enough eggs (or bacon) to make himself his usual omelette. He must remind himself to get some when he comes back from work.

As the song ended, the DJ spoke again. 'To those who have missed it that was Sunday by Sonic Youth. Their new album will be out next week.'

At that point, Eddy turned off the radio. He carried his bowl of cereal in one hand and his coffee in the other and walked to the living room. He sat down, switched on the TV and ate his food whilst watching the same show he was watching in Chapter 14 (except, this time, they're not interviewing anyone). He reached off-screen and poured a small bit of whisky into his coffee. After doing that, he put the bottle back where it was and drank the whole thing in one gulp. Afterwards, he started eating his cereal, his eyes rarely moving from the television screen.

As it was approaching 8:15am, Eddy – who had now finished his cereal – turned the TV off and grabbed his car and house keys. He exited his house, locking it after him, and headed over to Ed's house. Before Eddy so much as set foot on the lawn, Ed opened the door and came rushing out. 'Ah, crap.' Eddy said, predicting yet another bone-breaking bearhug. Trying to stop his spine from being split in two, he quickly said 'Ready to go?'

'Sure.' Ed then ran back to the door and closed it. After all, he wasn't really that stupid. After he did that, he then followed Eddy to the van and, after they did the usual crap of getting into the right seats and putting on seatbelts, they both set off.

Eddy turned on the radio and set it to the station he was listening to earlier. Before Ed would complain and change the station, Eddy said 'There's something on later that I don't want to miss.' Ed, who probably knew what Eddy was talking about, said nothing.

Just as the song that was playing came to an end, the DJ from earlier spoke again. 'Alright – as promised – we're now joined by Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon, both of Sonic Youth, who are going to tell us about their new album.'

Ed looked slightly depressed, the first time he was sad (or anywhere close to it) going to work, probably because he won't be able to hear the whole interview. 'Don't worry, Lumpy. I'll tell ya what happened later.' Even though they both had a sort of "love/hate" relationship (which I can't explain very well; it's just Ed being his normal self and Eddy wondering why he's stuck with the idiot), Eddy genuinely cared about Ed (which is one of the few things about my early fan fictions that I don't regret. Of course "few", in this case, is an incredibly small number). Although he wasn't sure if Eddy would keep his promise, Ed cheered up.

About 10 or so minutes later, Ed and Eddy arrived at Automation's Lair. Whilst the interview was going on (but at least Ed know what the album was going to be called), Ed undid his seatbelt, opened his side door (and closed it when he was out of the van) and headed over to the store. Just before Eddy drove away, he shouted 'Thank you!' The lump then entered the store and, presumably, started to help Bob with something.

Eddy then continued driving. About 5 minutes away from his destination, the interview was over and the DJ put on another track. Before the song played, Eddy changed the station to some disco. He somewhat prided himself on the fact that he was probably the only person in America who still liked the genre during the 80s (and would still hold this role in the 90s if it weren't for sampling. At least he thinks that's why). He then arrived at the office, parked his car and, after locking it and other crap like that, eventually got to work.

(-)

It was now 11am. Whilst Eddy was probably getting drunk on the job and Ed was at the comic book store reading a Punisher comic (as there isn't anyone in the store at the moment but him and his boss), Edd was at home playing video games (more specifically, he was playing Rampage World Tour, a game he bought last week for $5 but he didn't bother playing it until today). He didn't need to be at work until 3:30pm, but, for some reason, he was dressed in his casuals. So far, he was on the Liverpool level, playing as George. This may or may not be good, I've never actually played it (I've played the first Rampage game as part of a compilation for the PlayStation, but that was about it).

He was sitting there, smashing the shit out of buildings, when suddenly his cell phone rang. He paused his game and answered the phone. 'Hello?'

'Hey Double D, it's Eddy.' Over at the office (or rather outside the office, just 'round the corner from the entrance), Eddy was standing next to a bunch of payphones on a grey brick wall, holding the handset in one hand and a hip flask in the other.

'Greetings, Eddy.' Edd was slightly bemused for some reason.

'How are you doin'?'

'What can I help you with?'

'Didja catch that interview earlier?'

'Yes, it was intriguing. Can't wait until next week.'

'Yeah...'

'Is that the only thing you called me for, or...?'

'Pretty much.'

Edd looked slightly angry, although the only way Eddy could tell is if he somehow forces himself through the phone and out the receiver. OK, that could've been worded better. 'Anything else you wish to discuss?'

'Well... Do you wanna go for a drink Friday?'

'Do I want to go for a drink on Friday?' Edd paused. 'What time?'

'9.'

'Seems reasonable. I might as well get a taxi for all three of us, if Ed wants to come along.'

'Yeah, I called him earlier. He said "yes".'

'Alright, I shall see you on Friday, if not earlier.'

'OK, see ya, Double D.' At that moment, they both hung up at the same time. Eddy stood around for a couple of seconds before heading back in, whereas Edd put the phone down and continued with his game.

(-)

It was now around 11:55am. Edd had since turned his game off and was planning to go out for some lunch. After getting his car keys, his house keys, his wallet and his cigarettes (not to mention his lighter), he went outside his apartment. He locked the door and walked outside. Once he was out the building, he leant against the wall, pulled out a cigarette, lit it and smoked it. After putting his lighter away, he pulled out his cell phone and dialled the Automaton's Lair. After waiting for a few seconds to get a reply, he heard a voice on the other end of the line. 'Hello?'

'Hello, Ed.' Edd accurately guessed who the voice on the other end of the line was.

'HIYA, DOUBLE D!' Edd had to hold the phone away from his ear. Seriously, someone really needs to tell Ed to stop shouting at the phone.

'Yes,' Edd then put the phone back next to his ear. 'I'm just calling to let you know that, once I have finished my cigarette, I'll be ready to take you out to lunch.'

'Cool. Where we goin'?'

Edd took a drag. 'I don't really know. Café Fondue?'

Ed paused for exactly three seconds. 'Yeah, alright.'

'I shall see you at your workplace.'

After they both said 'Bye' at the same time, Edd finished off his cigarette. After disposing it in the right place, Edd got out his car keys, headed to his car and unlocked it. He put his seatbelt on and started the car. He then put on some Placebo and, after pulling out of the car park, drove to the comic book store.

At 12:15pm, Edd arrived at Automaton's Lair. After about a minute of locking it (despite being in for a couple of minutes) and making sure it's secure, he then headed into the store. He saw Ed behind the counter and, yes, he was reading a Punisher comic. Or, rather, just finished reading it. He looked up to see a 6'2" figure in an army jacket. 'Hey, Double D!'

'Hello, Ed. Ready to go?'

'Sure, just lemme tell my boss.' He then turned to the storage room. 'Bob, I'm just off for lunch break.'

Bob said from the storage room 'Hang on a minute.' After he saved his Doom game, he walked out of the storage room. 'OK, I'll run the till 'til you get back.'

'Thanks.' Ed and Edd then walked out of the store and into the latter's car. They then headed to Café Fondue. When they got there and went into the café, they ordered the usual (except Edd had more cheeses in his sandwich than just the Emmental) and had a discussion about nothing in particular, apart from why the story was ending so suddenly and uninterestingly. After they finished Edd drove Ed back to the comic book store. Afterwards, he drove back home, had a shower (again to the possible delight of fangirls) and got changed into his work uniform.

(~~~)

A/N: Something remotely interesting will happen next chapter. I promise. Although I would like to point out that, in my opinion, the "soft-serve"/"self-serve" thing is slightly amusing.

1. Yes, as I keep going on about it, I should tell you that something big is going to happen next chapter. A number of my readers might not like it, but I should let you know that it'll allow me to mock a certain type of fan fiction where this thing is routinely featured. Now that I've confused you (and if you understood what the hell I was talking about, please don't explain it), here's the usual explanations section thing:

2. I know I'm explaining the reference, but Sonic Youth's then-latest album – A Thousand Leaves – was actually released a week after this chapter was set. I should point out that I don't really listen to them, although I did listen to Sunday quite a lot during the writing process. But, if you are going to listen to them, I'd probably recommend the aforementioned A Thousand Leaves, Goo and Daydream Nation.

3. I mention how one of the few things I liked about my earlier work is Ed and Eddy's love/hate relationship. If you read my Ed and Eddy Do stories, you'll see what I mean.

4. Yes, I'm genuinely sorry about how it ended. The usual "writer's block" excuse, coupled with the fact that I just did not care. Of course, there are a few moments where I've written some total crap (i.e. Chapter 12); only to write something slightly less crap some time afterwards (Chapter 13). So if you didn't like this one, then chances are you'll probably be entertained (most likely due to sheer badness) by the upcoming two-parter.

5. I briefly talk about Eddy have a girlfriend during high school. I will elaborate on that eventually. Don't worry. After all, it could be another reason why he acts like he does now (along with his parents divorcing and losing interest in what he enjoyed all those years ago).

6. I also mention how the Big Picture Show should've ended. I do have a point, though. Just before they carry the Eds off in celebration after defeating Eddy's brother (seriously, though, why haven't you seen it?), Eddy should've turned down the kids' friendship offering (if that's what it is) and, instead, given them – and the Kankers as well – what TV Tropes calls a "Reason You Suck Speech". He also should've said a few things he dislikes about Ed and Edd, but, overall, would rather remain friends with them. I make a point here because a) the kids routinely beat him up during the original show (even a couple of times when he didn't deserve it, like Boo Haw Haw); b) Eddy, along with a few other characters, have seen past the fourth wall multiple times; and c) Sarah, Kevin et al would've had a bit more comeuppance (as opposed to just the one wet willie and one broken bike). Sadly, it's too late, but, hey, Dumbass Has a Point.

So that's pretty much it here. You know what to do for constructive criticism or anything like that. Apologies for the constant mentioning of Sonic Youth and how uninteresting this chapter was. As always, take care and, hopefully, it'll get better. Hopefully.

P.S. I finished reading Watchmen sometime last week. It more than lived up to the hype.


	18. Chapter 18: This Won't End Well

Edarchy

Chapter 18: This Won't End Well...

Disclaimer: I don't own Ed, Edd n Eddy. Also, ready the torches and pitchforks.

A/N: So, here we are. The two parter. I know what's going to happen. But I'm keeping it a secret until towards the end. Of course, if you've figured out a few clues (of varying subtlety) I've put in over the past several chapters, then it won't be much of a surprise. However, when I reveal the surprise, chances are a lot of people might get angry.

So, what'll happen until then? Well, after mulling it over for a little while, I've decided to give Eddy the day off. No, literally, he decides to take a day off from work. Whether or not anything interesting will happen, I don't really know. So, unless there's something interesting to mention, I think I should get started.

(~~~)

Friday 16th May, 1998. Eddy had gotten up at the usual time, although, for some reasons unknown in-universe (but probably known to the readers; all 10 of them), his head was still pounding. It had been like this all week, despite him not really getting drunk or consuming copious amounts of alcohol like he normally does. It wasn't that bad, just a slight headache. Either way, he got up and gotten into the shower, because someone needed to drive Ed to his job (Sarah, much like her brother, doesn't have a license yet; Ed's father has to leave for work at 8am, meaning he has to use the car; Ed's mother can drive but, as previously stated, the car isn't there; and no one can trust Ed enough to let him use a taxi all by himself. There are other reasons why, but we'd be here all day).

After his shower, he looked at his work uniform, which was lying on the chair and looked like it was about to fall off. Eddy then looked in the mirror – the only difference between his normal self and today is that his eyes a slightly lower down his face, for some reason – and said to himself. 'Fuck it. I'm taking a day off.' He then got changed into his casuals – after all, he couldn't go and get Ed the way he was now: Not only was it too early, but there are also laws against public nudity.

After getting changed, he then made himself some breakfast. Because he thinks he's unable to cook himself a fry-up the way he's feeling now (although whether or not he actually can is unknown), he decided to have a bowl of cereal. After making the bowl of cereal, he sat down in front of the TV and tuned into a random channel. So nothing interesting here, although rarely anything interesting happens in this story.

Once Eddy finished his breakfast, he continued watching TV. At around 8am, he heard a car leave; it was probably Jimmy driving himself and Sarah to high school. Eventually, he turned off the TV and got his keys for the van and the house. He walked over to Ed's house and knocked on the door. Ed answered the door. Sure, he was smiling, but he looked like he was hiding something. 'Ready to go?'

Ed took a look at Eddy, but he noticed that there was something different. 'Hey...'

Eddy answered Ed's question before he even asked it. 'I'm taking the day off.'

'Why?'

'Damn headache. I'm able to drive ya to AL and back, but if I go into work, chances are it'll get worse.' Eddy wasn't sure if he was telling the truth or not. Sure, back when he was a kid, he would've spun it a little in order to deceive the kids out of their [presumably] hard-earned cash, but that was the old Eddy. This Eddy is now more cynical and likes his alcohol. And he has a headache.

'Oh, OK'. They both then got into the van. After making sure everyone was strapped in, Eddy started the car and reversed out into the cul-de-sac. Ed put on the radio and set it to STIL FM, which was playing Chaos by Tim Sköld (again, we're doing another song I've been listening to a lot lately and will likely soon stop listening to it soon).

As they left the cul-de-sac, Eddy noticed something about Ed. 'What's with you?'

'Nothin'.' Ed showed a huge goofy grin. But there was something about it that seemed... forced. 'So,' he then changed the subject. 'What are ya doin' today?'

'I dunno.' Eddy sighed, although this wasn't because he was annoyed. 'Might watch a movie, play some Twisted Metal, crap like that.'

'Cool.' Ed nodded.

And so Eddy drove Ed to the comic book store. The rest of the journey was uneventful, but that could be due to bad writing. When they got there, Ed got out of the van. 'Alright, take it easy.' Eddy looked at Ed, as he was genuinely worried (not that worried, but worried nonetheless). 'You look kinda...' Ed nodded and smiled as he walked into work. Here, he did a better job at hiding whatever bugged him. As soon as Ed entered the store, Eddy drove back home.

(-)

Back in the cul-de-sac, Eddy parked the van in his driveway. He saw Rolf doing some gardening, so he decided to come over. 'Hey Stretch!' Eddy said as he walked over.

'Hello, liver-is-tougher-than-a-yak-Ed-Boy!' Rolf waved. 'Good day to work, yes?'

'Nah, I'm takin' the day off.'

'Rolf is confused.'

'It's just one of those things.' Eddy then quickly changed the subject. 'So where's Gerta?'

'She's gone back to Norway.'

'Why? Somethin' happen between you two?'

'No, it's the Eurovision Song Contest!' Rolf then put both of his arms up in the air for no apparent reason. 'Every year, she goes back to Norway to watch the contest with her family. She won't be back until Monday.'

'Uh-huh,' Eddy nodded at the presumably pointless exposition. 'Interesting.' He was probably lying, but Rolf couldn't tell. He then remembered why he came to Rolf. 'While I'm here, do ya have any eggs?'

'Hmmm...' Rolf pondered in deep thought. 'Rolf will get back to you on that.' Eddy, of course, couldn't come with him, as he still hasn't gotten over his disliking of birds.

About a minute later, we see Rolf holding six eggs. 'Thanks man.' Eddy nearly grabbed them before Rolf moved his arms away. 'How much?' Eddy sighed. Again, his heart's not in it to scam Rolf out of the eggs (and he hasn't felt like scamming since 1989, according to this story).

'Three oranges.' Rolf began the bartering process, but he couldn't really be used to get the bartering pole. That, and also it'll take him about 2-3 minutes for the whole process to work.

Eddy sighed again. 'Here's five bucks.' He reluctantly handed over a $5 bill.

'Thank you!' Rolf said as Eddy walked back home, carrying the eggs. When he finally got into his house, Eddy put the eggs in the fridge and then made a phone call to the office explaining why he couldn't come in. Afterwards, he went to the liquor cabinet. Although there was a metaphorical small voice telling him not to drink, he ignored it and got out a bottle of scotch. After pouring himself a small glass of the stuff, he opened the freezer compartment and got out an ice cube tray. He got out a couple of ice cubes and put them into his drink. He took a sip of his drink and headed upstairs, drink in hand, to play some video games.

He entered his gaming room and put his glass down on the cooler. He scanned the collection of games he has and then took out what he wanted. After having a little bit more of his drink, he set up his PlayStation. He opened the lid, put in the disc and closed it afterwards. He turned the console on, sat back down on his seat, grabbed his controller and got ready to Twist some Metal, if you don't mind the excruciatingly bad pun.

A few hours later, Eddy managed to complete his game. This wasn't him knowing what to do and thus complete it quicker; it was because he loaded from an earlier save. He headed downstairs and went to the box of videos below the VCR. In there was an assortment of MST3K episodes Eddy taped. After picking out an episode at random (episode 418: Attack of the The Eye Creatures. Yes, that's what it was called, according to the title card) Afterwards, he turned on the TV and set up the video. He didn't put the video on just yet; there were two things that needed to do first: Order some lunch and invite Edd round. First up, he decided to invite his friend over.

Over at Edd's apartment, he was on the computer looking at the internet whilst some Eels (if you want to be specific, the song is Your Lucky Day In Hell, from Beautiful Freak). On his computer, Edd was using Netscape and was looking at Suck (see explanations); a website he wouldn't normally use, but Marie (who) told him about something good she found on there. Suddenly, his cell phone went off. He picked it up – as it was on the desk – and answered it. 'Hello?'

'Hey Double D. It's Eddy.'

'Hello, Eddy.

'How are ya doin'?'

'I'm fine; just looking at some Suck while listening to some alternative. And what about yourself?' Eddy, of course, didn't chuckle. Not because he was slightly more mature than he was when he was a kid, but also the name isn't really that funny. Of course, if you want to know what I'm yammering about, check the explanations section.

'Meh,' Eddy shrugged. 'Can't complain.'

'What can I help you with?'

'Do you wanna, I dunno, come over and watch some MST3K?'

'Sure, I...' Edd paused, noticing something. 'Wait. Are you at home or at work?'

'At home.' Eddy stupidly announced. Edd briefly breathed in, but was somewhat interrupted. 'Is this gonna be one of those boring lectures? Because the author doesn't feel like typing one up.'

'Seems reasonable. Alright, I shall leave in ten minutes.'

Eddy heard a knock and opened the door. 'Your medium Hawaiian pizza.' Eddy took the box away from the deliveryman, whom we can't "see". '$8, please.' After Eddy handed over a $10 bill, the deliveryman handed Eddy the pizza and cleared his throat loudly.

'Tip?' Eddy fished out another $10 bill and reluctantly handed it over. After the deliveryman left, Eddy then put the box down on a table, opened the lid and took a slice. He then sat down on the sofa and ate it, staring at a blank screen whilst doing so. He could eat it elsewhere, but he didn't for some reason.

About 40 minutes later, Edd arrived in the cul-de-sac. As much as he wanted to park in his parents' driveway, he didn't. Even though his mother and father wouldn't mind (even to this day, they're still as work nearly all the time), chances are the neighbours would wonder if something was up (seeing as, out of the original cast, only Ed, Eddy, Jonny, Jimmy, Sarah and Rolf still live in the same houses they did during the show). So he pretty much parked on the kerb somewhere. After he got out and locked the car, he opened up his front jacket pocket, took out a cigarette and put it in his mouth. He then dug into his trouser pocket and fished out his lighter. He lit his cigarette and walked over to Eddy's. When he got there, he rang the doorbell. When Eddy opened the door, Edd greeted him. 'Hello, Eddy. Just let me finish my cigarette and I shall join you for the audiovisual presentation.' Also, Edd had this feeling that he had done a repeat of his "detrimental" thing – see chapters 13 and 14 to understand what the hell I meant there.

'OK, then.' After he had closed the door, he said to himself 'Hey, I think my headache's gone.'

About 5 minutes later, Edd had finished his cigarette and rang the doorbell again. Eddy answered the door, again. 'Where shall I dispose of this.'

'Somewhere,' Eddy rolled his eyes. 'Come on in.' As Edd walked into the house, Eddy muttered under his breath 'I really need an ashtray for this ash-hole.'

'I heard that.' Edd said as he sat down on the couch, making himself comfortable. Eddy then closed the door and put the video on. He then hurried to the couch. Not only was the episode he was going to watch was one of his favourites, but it also meant that he didn't have to worry about anything for a while, seeing as Ed wouldn't need to be picked up until 5pm.

(-)

It was now 7:30pm. Ed was sitting on his bed reading Kuso Miso Technique. Again, he wasn't really a huge fan of anime or manga; he just read it because of the funny faces the two leads make. He doesn't hate it, as he also admitted to liking AKIRA, Ghost in the Shell and Initial D. Bob was the one more interested in anime and manga, for some reason (although it could be his time spent reading manga whilst on holiday in Tokyo). Normally, Ed would read his comic and then practise a little guitar. But something different was going to happen today.

'ED!' Sarah yelled from the top of the stairs. There was no response, so she marched down. 'Dinner's ready! Mom's made meatloaf.' She opened the door and found Ed reading his comic. Normally, if he was reading something like this and someone came into his room, he'd hide it. But he was so engrossed that he forgot to. 'Fuck!' Sarah said when she took a look at what Ed was reading.

'What?' Ed looked up, confused.

He then found out that his baby sister was looking at the manga he was reading. Sarah, being the total bitch she is, decided to put on her "Ha-ha I know your secret" face. 'You better do what I say or else I'm tellin' mom!' Quality writing there.

Bad move, Sarah. You see, Ed is no longer afraid of Sarah, as he learnt to stand up for himself sometime after the movie (but he still help her whenever she's in trouble, mostly because he sorta forced to). In fact, when he was 18 and when she was 13, Sarah wanted him to do something for her or she'll do her usual threat. Ed's response? "Fuck off, Sarah" delivered in an uninterested voice before climbing out of his window and heading over to Eddy's house. So, what did he do here? He got up off the bed, told her 'I'll do it myself' in a slightly angry tone and marched upstairs. Sarah walked up after him, confused (although she didn't know it, some of her confusion was caused by Ed acting slightly out of character).

Now, it was after dinner. Ed's father was sitting in his seat, reading the newspaper (which pretty much obscures every part of his body) and Ed's mother – whose face can't be seen, but she's wearing a 50s-style dress – was doing the dishes. Ed then went to the fridge, opened it and got himself a beer. He opened it before chugging the entire contents of the can. After breathing nervously, he announced something. 'I'm gay.'

Normally you'd expect there to be plenty of angst. Except here, Ed went back to his goofy grin, relieved to get that thing off of his chest. For some reason, he turned around (not seeing how his parents and [probably] his sister reacted), walked outside the house and headed over to Eddy's. He then knocked on the door. Eddy, who was holding a bottle of JD, answered it. 'What is it now, Ed?'

'Can I stay over here tonight?'

Eddy drank from his bottle. 'Lemme guess: You came out to your parents.' Ed nodded. Eddy paused briefly, probably to think it over, before saying. 'Sure, come in.'

'Thanks Eddy.' Ed walked into the house.

'Don't mention it. So, how did your folks take the news?'

(~~~)

A/N: If you are gleefully expecting yaoi, prepare to be disappointed. Very, very, VERY disappointed.

So yeah, that's it. Sorry it ended so abruptly. Whilst you can complain now, the next chapter will mostly skewer the genre associated with this newfound revelation.

1. Some of you may be thinking that I've jumped the shark way too early in the story, thinking it may be along the lines of "The Kiss" (but more on that later. Much, much later). But yeah, I have an explanation way below explaining what I did. And besides, I mentioned that, in the first two chapters, Eddy and Edd were pan and bisexual (respectively). So why complain?

2. Eddy was actually playing Twisted Metal 2. This isn't really that important, but I thought I should mention it here.

3. Exactly a week before this chapter was set (meaning it was 9/5/98 using DD/MM/YY), it was the 1998 Eurovision Song Contest, held in Birmingham. Israel won it (with 172 points), with the UK coming in second place (168 points). Norway came in 8th with 79 points, which was an improvement over last year (where they came joint last with the dreaded nul points). Which leads me onto...

4. I have no idea why I made Gerta such a huge fan of Eurovision. It's not because I'm a fan (although I did do an Ed, Edd n Eddy story about it) if that's what you're wondering. And if you aren't aware of it (probably because you live in a country that's not part of the EBU), it's pretty much where ABBA kinda started off (and I also recommend checking out Finland's 2006 entry, which won the contest. Trust me, it's awesome).

5. Originally, there was going to be a bit where Eddy went for a wank. But I removed it because I kept thinking that the story was becoming like Two and a Half Men. Eventually it would've gotten to the point where all I needed to do was to kill off Eddy and replace him with some annoying Marty Stu that everybody loves. And by "everybody", I meant all the in-universe characters (redundancy win for the win!) and probably the peoples behind the piece of work as well.

6. Suck . com (remove the spaces) was a website which took a look at various topics (like politics and pop-culture – sort of like an internet magazine. And yes, most of this explanation was from Wikipedia). Whilst the website is still up, it hasn't been updated for over a decade, sadly (One reason may be because the staff have gone onto bigger things, such as working for Time). I know about how I'm not supposed to explain all the references; it's just to ruin the fun of any immature thirteen-year-old who thought the name was funny (it was intentional. At least I think it was).

7. You may be reading this, wondering why Ed would bother coming out because he read a manga about two men having sex. Well, there were actually a few other signs throughout the story, one example being him and Edd spooning in Chapter 5. Two examples from the show include him trying to kiss Edd under the mistletoe in Fa-La-La-La-Ed; and Win a Date with Eddy from May I Have This Ed. And did he show any interest in girls before or after Boys Will Be Eds? If it's any consolation, he probably ranks somewhere between 5 and 6 on the Kinsey Scale (at least, in this story he does).

8. After reading the part where I said that Eddy would get the day off, you may be thinking that he'd get up to some wacky hijinks. But, instead, he just lounged around at home all day. If you were an English teacher, you'd probably say this represents something like "the humdrum of everyday life", when in reality it's because I'm a bad writer.

So that's pretty much it. If I've missed anything, just let me know via a review and PM. Or, if you're going to flame me, best to do it via PM. Alright, take care and we'll see how the next chapter goes. After all, it's a two-parter.

P.S. Colezilla (the guy who's reviewing every chapter of this story), I'm sorry for what I did to your favourite Ed. If it's any consolation, he won't change his personality or anything like that. And to everyone (including Cole), I recommend looking up a thing called "bara", if you haven't already, as it'll explain a few things (like why the hell there isn't any seme/uke crap going on).


	19. Chapter 19: Going Out With Cloud

Edarchy

Chapter 19: Going out with Cloud

Disclaimer: I don't own Ed, Edd n Eddy. I don't own things that'll be referenced in this chapter. And, chances are, if you didn't prepare the torches and pitchforks in the last chapter, you'll probably do so now.

A/N: So yes, we found out that Ed was gay. In all seriousness, I don't hate yaoi; it's just that, sometimes, there are a number of unfortunate implications that crop up from time to time (like how one person is turned into the weakest thing since the Silver Surfer [from that crappy NES game] just so a relationship could work, which seems to be my main complaint) which ruins it for me; and even so, this is actually the characters themselves reacting. No, I didn't turn Ed gay for this to work, but this was planned from the beginning (even so, you have to remember that Edd is bi and Eddy is pansexual). So yeah, here I mainly skewer yaoi (or, at least, bad yaoi), but I'll try to be as affectionate as possible (after all, someone who wrote m/m stories kinda helped me back when I started) whilst still making fun of it. It won't be easy, but I'll try.

So, after that painfully long and boring opening author's note paragraph thing, I'll probably get started.

(~~~)

It was 10:45am the next morning. Ed, who had spent the night at Eddy's, was asleep on the couch, with a blanket covering as much of him as possible. Which meant that we can see his feet, his legs and an arm that was dangling off the couch. There was a pile on the floor which consisted of Ed's clothes, except for a pair of underwear, which he still had on. He could easily wear them again today, no one would really notice. All in all, it was a peaceful sleep, as he was probably dreaming of things like evil gargantuan alien monkey tango dancers from Gamma Leporis invading Earth. Coincidentally, Ed does have a comic based on this, as it was one of the last issues of Shocking Fantasy before it merged with Tales of Putridity in November 1991 (although the merger was short-lived and both comics stopped printing in July 1993).

At that moment, Eddy walked in, tired. He wasn't hungover, surprisingly, seeing as he didn't bother drinking that much alcohol last night. But he still had a bottle in his hand, probably from a few days ago, and he was dressed in a white undershirt and a pair of blue and yellow vertical-striped boxers. He then noticed Ed was still asleep. 'Ed?' Eddy nudged Ed. 'Ed!' He yelled in an attempt to wake him up. Ed simply turned over and showed his back to Eddy. Eddy then shrugged and whacked Ed (over the back of the head) with the bottle whilst yelling 'Wake up, Lumpy!' I shouldn't tell you to not try that at home because it's very obvious you shouldn't.

'Huh? Wha?' Ed immediately woke up, shaking his head. Luckily, if you've actually seen the show, you'll understand why Ed wasn't that badly hurt. He then saw his friend. 'Hiya, Eddy!'

'Listen, just came to tell ya that, in an hour, we're gonna meet Double D at Diner 2000.'

'Ah, OK.' Ed said as he got off the couch. He took the blanket off his, revealing him in his underwear. Apart from a little bit of chest hair here and there, he looked pretty much the same he did when he was younger (although he is now 9/10 years older). And I think I contradicted myself, although I'm too lazy to check. Either way, Ed the put on his clothes, sat back down on the couch and watched some TV.

About 20 minutes later, Eddy was changed into the suit with no tie he wore back in Chapter 1). He grabbed the broken bottleneck, opened the front door and put it in a recycling bin. He then headed back inside, leaving the door open and asked 'Ed, careful, I'm gettin' the rest of the bottle.' Ed promptly got up, allowing Eddy to grab the broken shards (another bad idea). 'Thanks.'

'No problem, Eddy!' Once Eddy got all the shards and carried them over to the recycling bin – trying not to cut himself – Ed sat back down.

Eddy walked back in and closed the door after him. He noticed what Ed was watching. 'So what's this?'

'Spawn.' It had a short theatre run in The State (it aired throughout August '97 before being removed from cinemas), although no one knows how it got on TV this early.

'Huh.' Eddy sat down next to Ed and watched the film with him. Of course, all three Eds were there on opening day, meaning that they've seen this film before. But it's nice to watch it again, at least to him it is.

At 11:30am, the movie was over. After wondering how pointless it was watching the last 20 or so minutes of the movie (because that's what they were watching from the moment Ed found the channel), they both got up. Eddy then went to get his van keys whilst Ed went to the upstairs toilet (he can never find Eddy's personal bathroom). About three minutes later, Eddy was standing next to the couch. At that moment, Ed came down the stairs. 'Ready to go?' Eddy asked.

'Now?'

'Yeah,' Eddy replied. 'I wanna beat the traffic.'

'OK.' Ed goofily grinned as Eddy grabbed his house keys and his wallet. After they both locked the door, Eddy locked his house. After putting his house keys in his pockets, he then grabbed his van keys and unlocked the Eddymobile. They both got in and, after putting their seatbelts on, Eddy put his key in the ignition and turned it. After checking to see if it was clear, he then set off to the diner. Ed then turned on the radio, changing it to STIL FM, which was playing an advert for some band's new album. Once the advert was over, the DJ introduced the next track – The Beautiful People by Marilyn Manson. Ed's eyes widened in excitement, whilst Eddy's shrank in what can only be described as "Oh God, here we go".

Ed started dancing along to the music... or he would've if he had enough room. Eddy was wondering how many of the bands that play throughout the story keep having their songs played so early in the day, but then he didn't particularly care. He couldn't also complain about the song, as it had a nice beat to it. But, in all seriousness, he had to concentrate on driving. Eventually, he noticed that he was running low on fuel. Luckily, by the time Eddy found a petrol station, the song was over (and had been for 10-15 minutes).

After refilling his car, paying for it and taking $30 out of the ATM, Eddy then got back into the van, started it and headed for the diner. Ed turned the radio back on and listened to some more of his music, much to the chagrin of Eddy. Chagrin, chagrin, chagrin.

(-)

Over at the diner, we see Edd sitting in a booth drinking from a glass of water. From time to time, he looked over his shoulder to see if Ed and Eddy had arrived (he could've waited outside, but he smoked a cigarette not long before finally going in). He continued this for about five minutes before he saw a certain van pull up into the parking lot and. Two figures emerged from the van – one a 5'10" man wearing a suit and no tie; and the other a 6'6" man wearing a green jacket with a Monster Condo t-shirt with blue jeans (I think we all know who I'm talking about). They both walked into the diner and sat down next to Edd. 'Greetings, gentlemen.'

'Hey, Double D.' Ed grinned.

'Alright,' Eddy put both of his elbows on the table. 'Before we go on about whatever, last night I showed Lumpy some Doom.'

'But he's seen us play it before.' Edd added.

'Yes, but this time he's actually playing it.'

'Oh.' Edd said. 'How did it go?'

'He got killed.'

'So? We've died numerous times. We just restart at the beginning of the level but with a pistol and 50 bullets, plus the fist.'

'He got killed in one hit.'

'Again, that had happened to us. Like how I was gibbed by a rocket fired by that Cyberdemon at the end of Episode 2.'

'At full health.'

'Again, that's...'

But before Edd could finish his sentence, Eddy interrupted. 'By a zombieman.'

Edd was silent. To make things worse, this was on the first level on I'm Too Young To Die (which is the easiest difficulty possible). Anyone who has actually played Doom would realise that what happened there was a bit like trying to force the Empire State Building (not a model, but the real thing) through the eye of a needle. After about a minute to process all the information, Edd said 'Wow.' All in a completely shocked and stoic tone.

'Yes, it was that bad.'

After thirty seconds of slightly embarrassed silence, Edd then asked his friends. 'Well, shall we order some sustenance?'

'Sure.' Ed and Eddy said at the same time – Ed in an excited voice whereas Eddy sounded bored.

At that point, a waitress came up to them and asked what they wanted. Eddy ordered a BLT (as he wasn't going to do the old "your number" pickup-line), Edd ordered a plate of cheese fries and Ed had the Mondo-Huge-O Burger (which consists of a bun; three patties stacked on top of each other; 2-3 strips of bacon; cheese; lettuce; tomatoes; and onions). Whilst waiting for their food to come, Ed and Eddy explained that what they were about to eat would probably count as their breakfast, if not brunch. Afterwards, Edd decided to start a new conversation. 'So,' He began, looking at Ed. 'I heard that you came out, Ed. How did your parents take it?'

'I dunno.' Ed said, looking down sheepishly. 'Never saw 'em.'

'Well, I'm proud that you decided to go for it and reveal your homosexuality to your family. In fact, it took me until 15th February 1993 to announce my own bisexuality to my mother and father. We all know why, of course, because in an earlier chapter I said it was November '92. And...'

'Two questions.' Eddy interrupted, having felt slightly angry by Edd going off on a rant (which may or may not reflect my own personal views). 'Is this gonna take long? And are ya gonna get preachy?'

''Sorry, Eddy. Edd wasn't angry but slightly relieved. He didn't want to be like... THAT... again.

'It's alright.' Eddy consoled his friend. 'Besides, at least it ain't any of that "Just Say No" bullshit.'

'Yeah, I think Sarah got one of those pencils.' Ed said, having felt a bit better thanks to Edd's speech.

'Which I bought off Sarah for $5.' Eddy smiled. I don't know if this chapter was set around the same time as those "Too Cool to do Drugs" pencils. But, either way, Eddy bought one off Sarah (who didn't need it). I'm not going to spoil the punchline, seeing as you should already know it, but he sharpened it to a certain point and left it as is. He has it stashed around somewhere; he's trying to find it so he can show it to his friends.

'Anything else to discuss about our friend's newfound sexuality?' Edd asked.

'No.' Eddy replied. 'Although someone thought you were straight.'

'Who?' Edd was curious.

'One of the author's friends.'

'I faintly remember.' Edd placed his hand against his chin. 'It was a female friend.'

'Hey...' Eddy said in a lecherous tone before remembering. 'Oh. Sounds like she's taken.'

'Probably.' Edd shrugged, again another thing that would be out of character for his younger self. 'And besides, she's a real-life human being from the year 2013 and you're a character in some weirdo's fan fiction, which is currently set in 1998.' OK, I admit that him saying "weirdo" is out of character, even for this story.

'Right, I can see where it gets creepy.'

At that point, Ed said something. 'Well, in Earthbound, didn't we – the player – join in with Ness and the gang to help defeat Giygas?'

At that point, Edd and Eddy looked at Ed in surprise – you could probably tell by how wide their eyes were. After a couple of seconds, Eddy said 'Thirteen.'

About 5 or so minutes later, they received their meals. Edd prepared himself as not to make a mess, Eddy leant in close to the table and Ed just picked up the burger and ate it normally. Surprisingly, Ed wasn't making much of a mess, although it could be that he found a way to hold it in one piece (normally, you would have to resort to cutlery, but considering how Ed once expanded a lift using common everyday items – including a microwave – it kinda makes sense). 'So,' Eddy began. 'Let's say some guy wanted to make you his bitch. What would you do?'

Without missing a beat, Ed responded 'I take his weapons away from him.' Of course he was trying to sound like John Hartigan, or what Ed imagined he would sound like (as the Sin City movie wouldn't be out until 2005) 'Both of them.' Just as Edd and Eddy looked a little bit squeamish, Ed continued, with a big grin on his face. 'After a while, all I'm doing is pounding wet chunks of bone into the floorboards. So I stop.'

'OK...' Eddy tried to shake off what happened there. 'And what about you, Double D?'

'Let's see...' Edd mulled it over. 'As I've been doing some running for 8-9 years, I've pretty much built up plenty of strength in my legs. So, using the presumably flawed logic in this story, I could just deliver a kick in his testicular area and run like hell.'

'I drink. I'd finish off the bottle before smashin' it into his face. What happens next would look like somethin' out of one of Burrhead's comic books.'

'Still, it might not even be some random person introduced into the story making you his "bitch", as you two say.' Edd took one of his napkins and used it to clean a spot on Ed's part of the table. 'After all, there are some cases where I – admittedly justifiable because of how I ended up in my youth – become so weak that I pretty much get brutally attacked by an electron. Not an isotope or a particle, but a solitary electron. That is, if I'm lucky enough to have a personality. And the only thing that closely resembles comfort is Eddy's...' He waved his arm at Eddy, hoping for him to finish off the sentence.

Eddy grinned. 'Big McLargehuge.' I put those MST3K references in Chapter 4 for a reason, y'know.

'Yes...' Edd looked down. 'Or it could be the other way round.' He looked back up. 'And how about our former neighbours being turned into raving homophobes? Especially Kevin.'

'Hang on.' At that moment, Kevin walked out of the bathroom. 'Hey, Kev!' Eddy waved in order to attract the former jock's attention.

'What do you dorks want?' He paused for a second or two. 'And Double D.' Sometime after the movie, everyone in the cul-de-sac apologised to Edd for how they treated him during the show's run. He forgave them, but he did not forget it (but either way, they do treat him with some respect). They would've done the same to Ed and Eddy, but didn't for some reason; although Ed is a comic-book-and-horror-movie-obsessed metalhead and Eddy eventually became an alcoholic, sex-loving sarcastic outcast (although that last one was mostly self-imposed). And, although Kevin does call them "dorks", he didn't mean it as a mean-spirited... thing.

'We're wondering how ya felt about gays.' Eddy explained. 'Plot reasons.'

'Don't ya remember?' Kevin said. 'My cousin's going out with Rolf's brother.'

All three Eds paused before Ed asked 'How is John?'

'He's fine.' Kevin got out his cab keys. 'OK, I'm gonna go back to work and hopefully...' He paused. 'See ya.' All three Eds said the same thing back and continued with their meals, although Edd was slightly worried.

A minute passed and it looks like they've nearly finished their meals. 'Yeah, I got a question.' Eddy put down his sandwich. 'If you could do something like that, then why were you goin' out with Marie, considerin' how much shit she gave to ya?'

'Simple, Eddy.' Edd replied. 'Because I'm a fucking masochist.'

Eddy suppressed his laughter, whereas Ed simply chuckled. 'And another thing.' He pointed his finger up in the air, although not too high to think that he was signalling a waitress, before pointing at Edd. 'You got the hot one.' He then pointed at Ed. 'You got the reasonably hot one.' Finally, he pointed at himself. 'And what did I get? Vagina dentata.'

'Ooh!' Ed noticed something. 'Like the Reptilian Earwax Pickers from Charon?' Before Eddy could ask what the fuck Ed was talking about, the lump spoke again. 'Because, if you look closely, you can see large fangs that scrape along the ground from their...' Ed paused, as he never really had a name for the certain area.

'Sour grapes, Eddy.' Edd reassured Eddy as he put a forkful of cheese fries into his mouth. 'And besides, I highly doubt vagina dentata exists.'

'Who knows? Who gives a shit?'

Another 30 seconds later and all three Eds have finished their meals, which they enjoyed. After they all paid for what they ate, Edd left a $10 as tip. 'Come on, gentlemen.' Ed then put a $5 on the table as well. Just before they left the booth, Edd noticed that Eddy didn't leave a tip. 'Come on, Eddy.'

'I don't tip. I don't believe in it.'

'Well then, Mr. Pink.' Edd said before sensing something and facepalming. 'Why do I have a feeling that we're going to end up doing that scene again?'

'Alright.' He took out a couple of bills and threw them onto the table. 'But normally, I would never do this.'

'Thank you, Eddy.' Edd nodded in approval. 'Never mind what you normally do.'

'Piss off.'

Afterwards, all three Eds left the diner. 'It was nice of you to leave $30 for the nice waitress.'

At that point, Eddy froze, looking like he was about to break down. Luckily he didn't, instead he shouted 'Crap!' very loudly. Once he did that, he walked with Ed to the van, whereas Edd got back into his car. After they all buckled up and started their cars, they all headed back home.

(~~~)

A/N: Hope you've had a nice Christmas (or whatever it is you celebrate) and a happy new year.

Yes, sorry if I only concentrated on the bad parts of yaoi. I know there are some good ones out there. But, as I've said, this was the characters themselves reacting, although they do raise a good point once or twice – especially Edd's "brutally attacked by an electron" thing. Alright, so let's take a look at some explanations.

1. I may or may not have had a continuity error early on – it depends on whether or not I wrote that Ed's chest wasn't hairy. If there was an error, let me know so I can check it out. I may not correct it, but I will definitely make fun of it.

2. I do have to say; no matter how negative I am with this piece of work, I will admit that Edd's "masochist" line is actually funny. Even though the swearing is a bit out of character (although the Edd here is slightly different to the Edd from the show, so who knows?)

3. As I've mentioned, someone who wrote slashfics first helped me back when I started writing (this was 2009, by the way). Like me, she went on a 2 year hiatus. In fact, it was pretty much this story that motivated her to return (or something) – if anything, she dedicated one of her stories [Anything Could Happen] to me, which is both sweet and weird. But yeah, this one kinda goes out to Mel (aka rockpaperscizzorz). Keep being awesome.

4. I'm fully aware that the Mondo-Huge-O burger sounds like it should be on Man V. Food. There's no real challenge based around it, although it is one of the main components of the Best Eater challenge. I might have to expand on that later.

5. I also mention Rolf's brother and Kevin's [male] cousin are dating. This will definitely be expanded upon. I know there's a huge chance I'll fully introduce the brother in the Christmas special, but I don't know when to introduce the cousin. We'll see.

6. I was originally going to mention something about "glitter berries" and have Eric appear (albeit "offscreen"). But I didn't for some reason. However, I will put them in a future chapter. Again, we'll see.

7. This would've been more in place in Chapter 18, but I'm still going to put it up. Although Ed coming out would've been shocking back in 1998 (where he may or may not have ended up being poorly written - check out the Nostalgia Critic's review of The Haunting to see what I'm ranting on about now), it probably isn't now; although if it was like Edd and his bisexuality, things would have been slightly different. Ergh... Suddenly, this is now a Lancaster, but instead I'm strategically dropping anvils. Sorry.

8. If you're wondering how Edd found out about Ed being gay, then either a) Eddy told him over the phone or b) Edd used his fourth wall-breaking powers to... something.

9. I don't know if what Ed said (when he'd describe what he'd do if someone wanted to turn him into a uke) actually come from That Yellow Bastard (one of the Sin City comic series). If not, then please let me know. I have a friend who has a collection of Sin City comics, so I can pretty much ask him if I can check.

So yes, I think I've missed something. As usual, leave any constructive criticism via a review or a PM. Or, if you want to flame me/someone else, just use PM. Alright, so take care and we'll see what 2013 will have in store for us (in this case, more chapters of this crap plus a Christmas special in December).


	20. Chapter 20: Yet Another Arc Featuring Ed

Edarchy

Chapter 20: Yet Another Arc Featuring Ed

Disclaimer: I don't own Ed, Edd n Eddy. Then again, I don't own a lot of things.

A/N: Twenty chapters already? When will it end? And no, I'm not complaining. Well, maybe a little.

So yeah, I've somehow managed to write 19 chapters of this. Oh, and this one. So, what'll happen here? Well, apart from explaining why Eddy didn't believe in tipping in the last chapter when he's actually tipped people before, we'll see Ed finally moving out of his parents' house. Yes, they're so spoilerific that I had to explain them in the opening author's notes. Shock and horror, everyone. Also, I might introduce Jimmy in the next chapter, but we'll see if I do. I will definitely introduce him, if you're wondering. Alright, so let's get started on this.

(~~~)

It was 7:25am. Eddy was already up and was in the shower. You'd think that I'm going to describe him in the shower. But, honestly, not only is that kinda creepy, but also it would probably give him flashbacks of the opening of A Twist of Ed (the episode where the Eds use reverse psychology to get the Kankers to leave them alone). But, if you must know, he's having a nice hot shower, considering that it's a bit cold outside, despite it being quite sunny.

About 2 or 3 minutes later, he got out of the shower. He put on a pair of boxers, a pair of socks and his janitorial jumpsuit. He looked at a calendar he bought some time ago, but only bothered to put up last week. He took a long look at the calendar before finding out that it was the 7th September 1998. He smiled for some reason before heading out of the room.

Yes, the Ed boys did a lot over the few months between the last chapter and this one. The main highlight was them going to France to watch the USA at the World Cup, but they did some other stuff whilst they were there: Edd took some interesting pictures of various landmarks (but not the Eiffel Tower, surprisingly); Ed sampled some of the local cuisine (and probably caused a bit of mayhem along the way); and Eddy raised did it with a couple of people there (raising his "sex total" to 16). Overall, they enjoyed their holiday, although time will tell if they want to go back to Europe.

But they did other things as well. Monster Condo finally finished that debut album and, though there weren't many copies sold, they still had a respectable fan base, which is sort of justified, because Scott and Steve did form a noise rock band – called Hurt Me With Violence (or HMWV for short) – in the 80s (which shot to some sort of fame thanks to their 1990 EP Гормолоко – "Gormoloko", which seems to be a combination of the Russian words for "hormone" and "milk") and thus... you can figure out the rest. And Ed designed the cover: A cartoony-yet-scary drawing of someone getting eaten by a "four-legged mutant bus driver". Plus, in August, Sarah and Jimmy both moved out of their respective houses (as they now go to college), although Ed still lives in the basement.

Eddy, meanwhile, tried to hook up with Sarah. He tried some light flirting, he tried the old-fashioned "secret admirer" approach and he even tried to come out and say it. But he kept getting shot down. Chances are she was acting up, or Jimmy kept getting in the way. Maybe there was some third reason, but no one actually knows. Apart from that, he did some other things. He finally received a promotion and a raise. Of course, he's still doing janitorial work, but he's now being paid $4 an hour more and he's received a new ID. All in all, he has had a good few months.

Edd, on the other hand? He had another go at the Peach Creek Marathon. He came 15th, which isn't so bad when you remember that it's ten places higher up than last time he entered. Also, last week he received a postcard from his parents, which was the first time they've communicated to him in over a year (though the last time he spoke to them in person was 1993, when he finally came out as bi to them. Much like Ed, he didn't know how they reacted, but they grew to accept it over time). It went on about how they're spending their 25th wedding anniversary in New York City, wondering why he couldn't come to the party, what they've done elsewhere and, also in the envelope, was a picture of both parents, arms around each other, on the Observation Deck of 2 WTC (as this story is set before 9/11).

Now, where was I? Oh yes, Eddy was in the kitchen making a bacon and cheese omelette. Luckily, he has enough of everything he needs to make it, although he might need to get some bacon on the way back. Hopefully, he'll remember. If not, he'll have to find something else. Once it was ready, he put it on a plate, carried it into the living room, turned the TV on and ate the omelette. He picked up the remote and tried searching for something good to watch.

The time was now 8:15am. Eddy had finished his omelette, turned off his TV and went to grab his keys. After getting them, he went out of his house and locked it after him. He then headed over to Ed's. When he got there, he knocked on the door and waited. As he waited, he heard someone leap out of bed, jump into a full bathtub, drink a little bit of whatever was in the tub, jump out and run upstairs. Eddy looked left and right for no discernible reason; as he was doing so, we could hear someone running into the fridge, opening a can of something, drinking the entire contents in one gulp before running to the door. Just before Eddy knocked again, the door opened and Ed hugged his friend. "HIYA, EDDY!"

Eddy managed to wriggle himself free and landed on the ground on his feet with no real damage. 'Hey Ed. Ready to go?'

'Yeah, Eddy!' The two of them then walked to the van. They both got in and, after they got sorted out and Eddy started the car, they both headed towards Automaton's Lair. When they were out of the cul-de-sac, Ed turned on the radio. He turned it to STIL FM, which was playing Can I Play with Madness by Iron Maiden. Sometime after leaving the cul-de-sac, he said to Eddy 'I'm movin' out.'

Just like that, Eddy's eyes opened wide, yet he had to keep in control of the van. It was the shock of hearing something like this; his best friend moving out. You may not think much, considering how bemused Eddy gets listening to Ed's music and having these inane conversations. But it gave Eddy something to do and it kept him relatively sane. And besides, there may have been one of Ed's songs that they both liked. After a few seconds of silence, he downheartedly responded (yet in a voice that doesn't make him seem depressed) 'That's great, Ed. Do you know where?'

'I'm askin' Bob if I can move in.'

'Alright. Does he have enough...'

Ed didn't interrupt, seeing as Eddy had already finished his sentence for some reason. 'Yeah, he has a spare room.'

'OK.' Eddy nodded. 'Well... Best of luck.'

'Thanks, Eddy.'

'You're welcome.'

After a while, they arrived at Automaton's Lair. Ed took off his seatbelt and got out of the car. After thanking Eddy and closing the door, he went into the comic book store. Eddy then changed it to some disco and drove to work. He thought to himself about how he should learn to drive to work by himself. In actuality, I wouldn't say "learn", but rather he should try and see how he does driving to work. Luckily, he goes past Automaton's Lair as it's on his way to the office, so... wait, is that actually lucky?

It doesn't matter. When he got to the office, he showed his ID to the guard and drove into the car park. After parking in a space, he turned the car off, undid his seatbelt and got out. He looked left and right before reaching and grabbing a secret bottle of Jack Daniels he hides somewhere under his seat (in a sports bottle). After drinking some of it, he put it back in the van, took his keys out of the ignition, closed the door and locked it. He put his keys in his pocket and headed inside.

(-)

Skip forward to 12:15pm at Automaton's Lair. Ed was busy serving the customers, as there was a new comic out. It was called JU5-71-CE, which could only be described as Sin City meets V for Vendetta (with hints of Watchmen, The Punisher, Ronin and Deus Ex – even though the latter wouldn't be out until roughly two years after this chapter is set – thrown in for good measure). It was essentially a person who, after shooting five attempted rapists (and killing one of them), decided to take down the gang which just so happens to run the city. It's implied to be a sequel to Pimpsmasher because of several references (like how one character says to the other about how "some crazy guy killed a bunch of pimps") and the theme of parodying dark age comics (although JU5-71-CE mocks the grittiness, whereas Pimpsmasher mocked the over-the-top violence). Also, it's different because it's pretty much black and white, with varying shades of grey, as opposed to the bright and vivid colours of Pimpsmasher.

When he wasn't serving the customer, Ed was reading his own personal copy. Luckily, when it came to things like this, Bob would order a reasonably-sized amount (although I don't know what "reasonably-sized" means here), plus two comics – one for him and one for Ed. Of course, this was a new comic and there was a considerable amount of hype, which meant that, in this case, there had to be a lot of comics. Although it sounds busy, in reality there were about 20 people in the store (including the two people working there), which may not seem like much, but that's the maximum amount of people allowed downstairs (due to regulations and all that; upstairs can host 5-10 people).

When it somewhat died down, Ed breathed in and then breathed out. He walked into the storage room, where Bob was finishing his Doom game. Ed then flashed back to a few months ago.

(-)

Here, it's Monday 19th May, 1998. Ed had finished coming out to Bob. 'So, you're gay, huh?' Bob said. He was sitting down on his chair, with his hand covering his chin. Just as Ed was fearing the worst, Bob got out of his seat and put a hand on Ed's shoulder. As they were both standing up, I should point out that Bob is a couple of inches shorter than Ed, which may or may not make this complicated. Either way, the manager said this: 'You know, that's actually fine by me.'

'Wha?' Ed was slightly confused.

'Well, my favourite band is Judas Priest; and their former lead singer is gay.' Bear in mind that Rob Halford, who is indeed gay, wouldn't reunite with his former band until 2003, two years after the last chapter of this story. 'Not to mention my daughter's a lesbian and I myself have had a few... moments... in college.'

'Hm.' Ed smiled. 'Thanks, Bob.'

'No, problem, Ed. Remember that if you have any problems, I am here for you.' Ed nodded, then went back behind the counter.

(-)

'Ed, you wanted to see me?' The Doom game was paused, just as a rocket was about to hit Doomguy, and the chair, along with the person in it, was facing Ed.

Both Bob and Ed were looking up, although I should point out that, out of the two of them, Ed can see past the fourth wall (hence him looking up), meaning bob was looking up at the ceiling for no reason at all. Or probably because Ed was doing it; either one. Afterwards, they both looked down. 'Hey, Bob. Listen, I got somethin' to ask.'

'Go ahead.'

'Ya see, I never got on with my parents. I've told ya about how they kicked me down into the basement, how my bitch of a sister Sarah got away with plenty of shit and other things like that.'

'... And yet you kept your cheerful optimism.'

'So... Can I...'

Before Ed could finish his sentence, Bob stood up. 'I know what you were going to ask. Sorry for interrupting, by the way.' He then sat back down. 'You want to move in here, is that it?'

'Uh-huh.' Ed nodded.

'Hm...' Bob paused for though. 'I'll sort a few things out. Hopefully, the spare room'll be ready by Sunday.'

'Wha... Huh...?' Ed was so excited, he could barely make a coherent sentence. When he did... 'Thanks, Bob!'

'You're welcome, Ed.' At that point, Ed went back behind the counter, smiling. Bob, meanwhile, turned back towards his computer and turned his game off. Maybe he was going to put on something else. Who knows?

(-)

It was now 5pm. Ed was waiting outside, whilst his boss was going over receipts and all that. It wasn't as cold as earlier, but it wasn't warm either. At that point, Eddy arrived in the van. Ed then got in, put on his seatbelt, closed his door and Eddy drove off. 'Hey, Eddy.' Ed smiled.

'If you're wonderin' why I'm early, it's 'cos I snucked out early. It's one of the "perks" of havin' a crappy job where you're almost invisible.'

'Huh.' Ed scratched the back of his head.

'So, how did it go?'

'I'm movin' in on Sunday!' Ed cheered.

'That's... great, Ed.' All Eddy could do was force a smile. First, the girl he has an unrequited crush on moves out. And now, it's his best friend. It just didn't feel like his day at all. Still, when he gets home, he could just have a nice drink of something. But first, he has to get some things, seeing as he'll probably want an omelette tomorrow. 'So, er... Anythin' happen today?'

'Nah, not really. But I do have somethin' to ask.'

'What? If it's me quotin' Reservoir Dogs for no reason, then blame the author. 'Sides, it kinda fit the mood, bein' in a diner and all.'

'I wanted to know if ya had anythin' ta say. Y'know, as ad-fees?'

'"Advice", Ed.' Eddy corrected his friend. 'And yeah, if things don't work out, I can give ya my parent's old room until ya find somewhere else. For example, Double D spent a few nights round mine, y'know when we faked those sticky notes.'

'Yeah, that was a good episode.'

'Maybe. Despite us being friends and all, I clearly wasn't enjoyin' it. Damn fangirls.' I highly doubt they were responsible, but who knows or cares?

'So... You're sayin' that...'

Eddy interrupted. 'Sometimes, living with friends ain't what it's cracked up to be.' They both nodded, although they don't know if what Eddy said was useful. 'Yeah, by the way, I need to get some bacon and that.' And so Eddy turned to the van into the convenience store. It's more of a CONVENIENT store (if you don't mind the incredibly terrible pun. I would do a comparison, but it'll only make it seem like a failed attempt to stay relevant). I would explain, but you probably know the reason why.

(~~~)

A/N: Sorry it took so long. You know, writer's block and all that. But hey, at least it's up.

Anyhoo, it's another story arc. Featuring Ed. Thus explaining the title of the chapter. Now we know what happened in this chapter, we'll have to find out what happens next. It's mostly Ed settling down, but, apart from that, I have no idea what happens. Also, I have some explanations:

1. You may be confused as to why I described Edd as he was going in the shower, yet I didn't describe Eddy in it. You may be thinking that I'm pandering to any fangirls, despite the fact that I pretty much skewered a few things about yaoi in the previous chapter. Again, I recommend watching A Twist of Ed, as that'll explain all. I would ask why Edd doesn't simply build chastity belts, but then I remember that, not only is it a kids show but also the Kankers would break them or Eddy would sell them.

2. That thing about Scott and Steve's former band is related yet unrelated. It's unrelated in the fact that it has no relevance to the plot (if there is one), yet it's relevant because it explains a few things (like how Marie and Scott began dating each other; she was a fan of his band) and expands on their characters. Oh, and sorry for the crappy names.

3. How do I used tense?

4. That JU5-71CE thing was thought up in college, based on various ideas I have had floating around [for a while] for miscellaneous things. I will expand on it, but I don't think it'll be as popular as Pimpsmasher.

5. Although "snucked" sounds like something that Ed would say, it does sound like something Eddy would say (albeit the Eddy from the show. Maybe he and Ed have been hanging around with each other for too long). Then again, I wrote "hatted" – which meant "wearing a hat" for those curious – and, if you read my earlier stories (or a review to one of them), you'll see why. Why what? I don't know.

6. Yeah, sorry it wasn't a good explanation. Then again, this isn't really a good story.

7. You may be wondering why this isn't as comedic as the past few chapters. Well, I did say it was a dramedy - part comedy and part drama. I'm seeing if I can get any comedy from the drama, though.

Not much else to say. Oh, if there's any mistakes related to age or anything like that, please let me know. Just a reminder: Ed was born in '76 and Sarah was born in 1980 (at least, in this universe), so please let me know if, somewhere in this story, you see Ed being 23 years old (before 1999, of course) or Sarah being 5 years younger than her brother. Alright, so take care and I shall continue this story soon.


	21. Chapter 21: This Could Be Your Lucky Day

Edarchy

Chapter 21: This Could Be Your Lucky Day...

Disclaimer: I don't own Ed, Edd n Eddy. The chapter title came from a song that appeared in an earlier chapter, which will appear again in this chapter. Transformers - which appear toward the end in some way, shape or form - are owned by TakaraTomy and Habsro... Hasbro. And probably other people.

A/N: So here is part two. There might be some humour here, but it's still generally dramatic. Sure, you may be wondering why Eddy is being so melodramatic (to the point where you might as well dial whine-one-one) – Hell, I myself think he's being a bit over-the-top – but... I dunno, I might tone it down a bit here. Oh, and I might introduce Jimmy here. We'll see. Either way, let's start this.

(~~~)

Sunday 13th September, 1998. It was 9am and it was also Ed's last day living with his parents. As you can clearly see, his posters have been taken down. There are boxes containing his various items, including the sponges he had hidden in his walls (although, somehow, the house managed to stay up). And his bath of gravy has been emptied, with the sauce instead being in seven metal cans. Ed's bed was still there, seeing as he needed something to sleep in. Although I should point out that the spare room back at AL already has a bed and all that, which means that Ed's parents are going to empty it out and throw Ed's soon-to-be-old bed out. They're planning to turn it into a guest room, which does make sense, considering that it has a proper bathroom downstairs.

Where was I? Oh yes, Ed was still asleep. He was dressed in his clothes, seeing as it saves him time going into the dryer or whatever in a pair of underwear or whatever, then emerging fully dressed. Not to mention that I myself went to bed fully dressed and I wasn't really all that uncomfortable, so I can't see why Ed should be.

About half an hour later, he got up on his own terms. He headed upstairs, slightly dreary-eyed and opened the fridge, taking out a can of energy drink. He opened it and drank its contents, albeit not at once. He closed the fridge and turned round, slightly shocked to see his baby sister and her best friend sitting at the table. Even though they have their own place, they decided to show up, probably because of Ed leaving. Maybe it's because they're dicks, maybe it's because they want to say goodbye to Ed. Who knows and who cares? 'Hey, Sarah. Hey, Jimmy.'

'Hey, Ed.' Sarah replied. Since it was a bit cold when she came over, Sarah was wearing a pink sweater over her regular shirt

'Hello.' Jimmy said. He still had the same voice he had when he was younger, it's just a little bit deeper. He still had the same hairdo when he was younger, except the quiff was parted to the side a little and, from the back, he appeared to be growing a mullet. He still looked the same as he did when he was younger, except he no longer has his retainer (instead being fitted with dentures) and he's muscled up a little (although he's just as accident-prone and easily-injured as ever). The only major difference is his dress sense. He now wears a black suit with a black tie, with a purple shirt underneath. And, much like the show, which way he swings is... debatable, but, no matter what, everyone universally agrees that he's a camp... something.

'Hey Jimmy, what are ya studyin' again?' Ed took another sip of his drink.

'I'm doing fashion.' Jimmy meekly replied. 'Remember?'

'He won't.' Sarah told her friend. After all, Ed probably won't remember it. And what Jimmy's learning won't have any effect on what little plot there is, but it's nice to know, considering how in-character it seems. She then got up out of her seat and walked towards Ed. When she was in front of him, she stopped. 'Listen, I know I don't live here and all that crap.' Ed finished off his drink. 'But... What the fuck. Good luck, Ed.'

Ed smiled and gave his baby sister a hug. 'Thanks, Sarah.' They both smiled. They then stopped hugging each other. Sarah sat back down at the table, whereas Ed grabbed his issue of Pimpsmasher #23 (the first of a two-parter, where Pimpsmasher has to team up with Spine-Defying Prostitute – yes, that's her real name – to get the Golden Pimp Cane, which would grant the wielder eternal power. Pimpsmasher and SDP just want to destroy it). Ed opened up the page he was on last time he read it. One panel showed Pimpsmasher throwing a pimp hat at a pimp so hard, it sliced his [the pimp's] head in half; whereas SDP is holding a cape in one hand and some bling in the other, both being used to decapitate some pimps (who were behind her in their hover-pimpmobiles, preparing to use their pimp cane bazookas. By the way, the rockets coming out of the canes are slightly larger than the barrels of the canes themselves). As he was reading his comic, he occasionally looked up, trying to avoid hitting any obstacles in his way.

(-)

It was now 11am. Outside was Edd, who was smoking a cigarette, whilst his car was on the driveway with a trailer attached. Ed, meanwhile, was loading his things onto the trailer. His parents were standing in the doorway, watching their only son finally move out. Granted, they didn't really care much about him, but still. You may be wondering why Edd isn't really doing much, but, then again, he opened the trailer and put a few things in it. After he had finished his cigarette, he got into his car and put the cigarette butt in with all the others. He then got back out to help his friend.

After everything was loaded onto the truck, Edd got into the car. Eddy, who was wearing a pair of boxer shorts, a hairnet, a half-buttoned grey shirt and a sock on one of his feet, walked up to Ed, clutching an empty bottle of Jack Daniels. 'Ed, I maybe hungover. I may be forced into this chapter. But... You know what I'm gonna say.'

'Beware of Jokers bearing cotton candy?' Ed asked.

Eddy turned towards the readers' computer screen, his eyelids half-closed with a stoic expression on his face, as if he was internally saying "Really?". He then turned towards Ed and sarcastically responded 'Yes.'

'Aw, thanks, Eddy.' Ed then picked his friend up and gave him a hug, albeit one that wasn't tight. Eddy, strangely enough, hugged him back.

Then, for some reason, Ed pulled his head back and leaned in, trying to kiss his friend. Eddy, who noticed this, went 'Don't.' A couple of seconds later, the two of the stopped hugging and Ed put Eddy back on the floor.

As Eddy staggered back to his house, Edd walked out of his car. 'Hey, Eddy.' Eddy, without turning round, put his arm in the air and raised his middle finger and his index finger, his palm facing away from whoever he was aiming at. 'OK...' He then turned to Ed. 'Well, I'm going to get back into the car, seeing as there wasn't really a reason for me to leave it in the first place. Is there anything you'd like to say to your parents before you leave the cul-de-sac?'

'Maybe.' Edd nodded and got back into the car. He then turned on the radio. After finding nothing that really interested him, he turned on the CD. Again, it was Eels with Your Lucky Day in Hell. As Ed faced the parents that pretty much treated him like shit for years, the singer from Edd's song [Mark Oliver Everett, aka E] sang:

_Father Theresa, you can't make me into you_

_I never wanna be like you_

_Why can't you see?_

_It's me_

_You know it's time to let me go_

Ed would've given a speech, much like the one Eddy should've done at the end of BPS (see Chapter 17 for my little rant), but the song summed it up entirely. Luckily, Ed managed to write it down on a piece of paper, which he handed to his parents. He raised his middle finger (or what comes close to a middle finger) at them before walking to the BMW. He then got in and put on his seatbelt. Edd, who already had his on, started the car and drove off, both of them not looking back (just as well, what with the trailer blocking their view).

Ed then turned off the CD player and put the radio back on, with Edd's permission, of course. He then set the dial to his favourite radio station. 'And now for something completely different.' The DJ said. 'Here's – surprisingly, I might add – Smashing Pumpkins with Bullet with Butterfly Wings.' Although Ed was more into metal and Edd was into alternative, this was one of those songs that they both could get into. Anyone who has actually listened to the song would know why.

At first, they were nodding to the beat, but, when it came to the chorus they both started to headbang, although Ed was a bit more ferocious, as he wasn't the one driving. 'Ed.'

'Yeah?'

'I wish you all the best. I genuinely hope you enjoy residing at your new abode.' He then stopped moving his head to the beat of the song – probably to see if what he said was accurate – but then resumed.

'Thank you, Double D. This song's pretty cool.'

'Thanks, Ed. I've got the album at home. Not all of it is like this, you know.'

'Hm.' Ed just made that noise, then continued with whatever he was doing.

Some time later, they reached Automaton's Lair. After parking the car in a suitable location, they both got out and Edd knocked the door. About 30 seconds later, Bob appeared, wearing only a pair of black and red chequered pyjama bottoms, showing off his reasonably hairy chest. On his chest and arms were various tattoos, but there were two that stood out (and both of them were Transformers): One of Shockwave (the G1 version) inside a black lozenge, which was just above his right nipple; and a large one of Cheetor (from Beast Wars) on his forearm – both of them are in their robot modes. Of course, he has a few other tattoos, including a pair of snakes arranged into a double helix above his hip. He opened the door and mumbled. 'Sorry, we're closed on Sundays.'

'Bob?' Ed said. 'I'm here for...'

'Oh, Ed.' The shopkeeper rubbed his eyes. 'Sorry for interrupting you. You're here to move in. Sorry I'm tired. Marathon.'

Then Edd, in one of his dim moments (seriously, he's had a few of these in the show), asked 'The game?' Not to be confused with the one we all lost. 'The athletics competition? Or watching a series of things in a row?'

'Last one.' Bob replied, after a brief pause to remember what he was watching. 'It was that Batman show from the 60s.' He then scratched the back of his head. 'I started at... 9... and fell asleep at... Can't remember, somewhere around 4 in the morning.' He sighed. 'All I know is that I missed Mass.'

'Uh-huh.' Ed smiled a little.

'Come.' The shopkeeper said. 'I'll show you to your room. If I can walk properly, I'll get some of your things.'

'Coming, Double D?'

'No thanks, Ed.' Edd waved his hand for some reason. 'Besides, I have to make sure no one pilfers my car or any of your items.'

'Uh-huh.' Ed goofily smiled and followed his boss into the shop and, eventually upstairs. Edd smiled and got out his phone, probably to call Marie.

Ed and Bob, meanwhile, were in the storage room. Bob opened a door, which led to a flight of stairs. Once they were both up there, there was a hallway with white walls and faux-wood laminate flooring. There were three rooms: A small kitchen area, which was straight ahead; and the spare room to the right. For some reason, the whole upper level has some sort of hammer space effect – it's quite big up there, considering that it's not really a big shop. 'This way.' He pointed towards the spare room. He opened the door and stood out of the way, allowing Ed to enter the room.

'Cool!' Ed bobbed his head back and forth. His new room had the same scheme as the main upstairs hallway, although the floor looked like it was made from a darker wood. There was a single bed – with a nightstand next to it – in the middle of the room with Spider-Man bedding, just for Ed. On the wall opposite the bed was a shelf containing Bob's boxing trophies (as well as other prizes) and a few pictures of him in the middle of a fight. There was also a door on one side of the room, which led to a personal bathroom, much like the one he had at home (but much cleaner. At least for the time being). Oh, and opposite THAT door was a dresser, which had a few action figures on them.

Bob then walked back in, except here he was also wearing a plain white sleeveless shirt. 'OK, let's get your stuff.' Ed smiled as he took one last look at his new room before joining his new housemate. Something inside him knew that he was going to enjoy it here.

(~~~)

A/N: The next chapter will be the last part of this arc. Hopefully.

So yeah, we've finally seen Ed move out. Although I should point out that there have been a few EEnE stories about Ed and his relationship with his parents, so there's nothing new here. Alright, now it's time for some explanations:

1. Although you the reader should've already known this, I would like to point out that Pimpsmasher isn't based on my views of pimps (I'm... undecided... if you're wondering); it's more of the in-universe's writer who hates them. Actually, he's sorta based on my guy from Saints Row 2. When I wasn't doing a mission or wreaking havoc elsewhere, I just went round and fought pimps for no discernible reason. I only bothered using my fists and anything you can pick up (using anything else would've been "too easy" in my opinion). And knowing is 1% of the battle; no points for guessing what the other 99% is.

2. Do you remember Chapter 6 when I mention a prostitute whose spine is so curved that, when she turns to her side, it stretches for three panels? Yup, that's SDP. Not really that interesting, especially since you've probably gathered that. But I thought I should mention it, just in case.

3. Sorry for bringing up my rant at the end of Chapter 17. But, once again, I do have a point. I'll shut up about it now.

4. I'd like to thank the Transformers wiki (tfwiki . net), seeing as, thanks to that, there is some interest in Transformers going on here. I think I had one as a kid – can't remember which one – but I'm not really sure.

5. Originally, I had planned to measure how big the cans (holding the gravy) were (can't remember whether it was the volume or the area). However, because I've forgotten some maths (which, as I've probably previously mentioned, was one of my favourite subjects at school), I just couldn't. All I can say is that – standing up – its height is the same as Ed's shoe size (he's an 11 US) and he can hold a can in the palm of his hand (holding a series of stacked cans, on the other hand...), so, if you somehow want to hazard a guess, feel free to.

6. Don't flame me for using "Habsro" [sic] in the disclaimer at the beginning of the chapter. I just find it funny. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to prepare myself for the inevitable shitstorm.

So that's pretty much it. I felt I could've done more, but I don't know how and what areas. There isn't much else I could add HERE as well, now that I think about it. Alright, so take care and I'll get started on the next chapter whenever.


	22. Chapter 22: Please End This Arc!

Edarchy

Chapter 22: Please End This Arc!

Disclaimer: I don't own Ed, Edd n Eddy. Again, Transformers belongs to Hasbro and TakaraTomy. And... whatever.

A/N: Right, before I start, I could go on about this story reaching 2,500 views, but I'm not going to. Instead, you're going to hear about how I planned to call the title "Din röst irriterar mig". If you can translate the would-be-title from whatever language it is in (thank you, Google Translate), then you can guess why I changed my mind. Besides, it wouldn't have been related to the story in any way; it would've been just a cheap potshot.

So what shall we do here? I know it'll start off with Eddy going to work, as well as Bob and Ed doing something, but I don't know how it'll end up. Hopefully, I'll give both of them a break after yet another "Eds go out drinking" chapter. Yes, it'll be a total Angstfest (and, sadly, not the KMFDM tour), even though there might not be much of that here in this chapter. Don't worry, if I can, I'll try to include some humour wherever. Alright, I'll start it now.

(~~~)

It is now Monday 14th September, 1998. I would mention how this takes place after the last chapter, but chances are you already knew that. Surprisingly, Eddy went to bed reasonably sober, not because I'm tired of turning him into a one-dimensional alcoholic (you might know what I'm talking about here), but he couldn't see why he should bother drinking. So, instead, he watched a movie (L.A. Tool & Die, which he watched with Ed sometime after the latter came out), then went straight to bed.

Whilst he was busy dreaming about something or other, his alarm clock went off. Without missing a beat, he picked it up, removed the batteries and, for some reason, got up. He then staggered towards his personal bathroom, although this was more because he was tired. He opened the door and headed in.

The bathroom still looked the same as it did during the show, although it was a bit more organised. There were the usual toilet, sink and shower, as well as a toothbrush, toothpaste, a disposable razor on the sink. Eddy walked – to the best of his ability – to a mirror and stared deeply at it. He rubbed his chin, and he thought about having a shave. He stuck his arm out and grabbed a can of shaving gel from the medicine and put it on the sink. But first, he grabbed a towel from the rack, stripped off his underwear and went for a much-needed shower. I would comment on how reasonably hairy he is (after all, this story leans very close to bara), but that's unrelated.

After a shower and a shave, he grabbed his janitorial jumpsuit and threw it on the bed. He then went into his closet and pulled out a pair of boxer shorts and some white socks. He walked out and put them on, followed by the jumpsuit. Finally, he put on a pair of shoes and walked out of the room, heading toward the kitchen.

He looked out of the window and saw that it was raining. It's not because it matches his mood, if you're wondering. It's purely a coincidence, as there are probably people who are ecstatic, despite the rain. He then stopped looking out and got out some eggs, milk, herbs, cheese and bacon. No points for guessing what he's going to make here, seeing as I'd probably end up telling you in the next paragraph, not to mention that he's made it several times throughout the story. He then assembled his ingredients and started to make his breakfast.

After some time, Eddy finished making his omelette (told ya). He then grabbed a bottle of ketchup and poured it onto his omelette. He then put the ketchup back on the counter and began eating his breakfast in the kitchen for some reason. He then grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels – despite him being seated and the bottle in the liquor cabinet – and poured a few drops onto his omelette. He then put the bottle back on the counter and continued eating his breakfast.

Several minutes later, most of which were spent doing absolutely nothing worth mentioning, he grabbed his car keys and headed towards his van. He originally planned to walk over to Ed's old house, but then he remembered something 'Oh, right.' He let out a small sigh and walked back to the van. He got in, put on his seatbelt, put the key in the ignition and turned it. After a couple of seconds of trying to start it, the van started and Eddy reversed out into the street.

He then stuck on the radio. The first station he came across was some Adult Contemporary station, which was in the middle of playing a song. "I'm all out of love; I'm so lost with out you..."

Eddy frowned for a little bit before changing the station. 'Fuck that! I don't even like Air Supply.' He then selected STIL FM, which was starting to play A Drug Against War by KMFDM. Even though he wasn't really into metal, he started banging his head to the music. Hey, at least it's better than constantly moping. Besides, it probably brought him out of his funk.

(-)

Over at Automaton's Lair, Bob and Ed were in the kitchen area having breakfast. Bob was wearing the pyjama bottoms he had on in the previous chapter (as well as a white t-shirt, covering the huge tattoo of G1 Kup arm-wrestling Jesus on his back), whereas Ed was only in a sleeveless white shirt and a pair of grey Y-fronts. The comic book store owner was eating some bacon, eggs and ham, whereas the cashier was having a bowl of Chunky Puffs. The duo were sitting at a table, watching a rerun some old cartoon that was shown on Saturday mornings throughout the late 80s (before finally being cancelled in 1990).

The kitchen area, as mentioned in the last chapter, was just a small room with faux-beech panelling and black and white chequered floor tiles. There was a clock on one of the walls which read 8:45 and below it was a microwave, with the timer/clock repeatedly blinking 00:00. The TV that the two of them were watching was positioned on a shelf, which may seem rickety and ready to collapse at any minute, but is actually very secure. The ceiling is white with a woodchip texture, with a ceiling fan light hovering above them. And, on a shelf above the counter-cupboards (one of which has a sink), there were a couple of boxes of cereal and a figure of G2 Bumblebee (Go-Bot) in car mode.

Half a minute later, Bob finished his breakfast and his coffee. He put the plate, his cutlery and the cup into the sink and turned the tap. When it reached what he felt was the appropriate water level (or something like that), he turned the tap again and started to clean what he put in. Afterwards, he turned to Ed. 'Alright, I'm gonna go for a shower, then get changed. Hopefully, by the time we're both ready, I'll open up shop. OK?'

'Sure thing!' Ed grinned as he gave his boss two thumbs up. After he finished his cereal, he put the bowl into the sink, but didn't rinse it out. Oh dear. He then headed to his room or, more specifically, his personal bathroom. Once he got there, he did a backflip into his new bathtub full of gravy. After a couple of seconds of being submerged, he crawled out of the tub in his usual clothes (except he was wearing a Judas Priest t-shirt), although – surprisingly – he doesn't smell of gravy. He then looked in the mirror, checked himself out to see if there were any gravy stains (there weren't) and headed out of the room and back to the kitchen. It's probably because he remembered that he didn't rinse that bowl out.

About 10 minutes later, Bob was out of the shower and fully changed into his usual clothes. Thankfully, he didn't notice that Ed hadn't rinsed the bowl out. He then headed downstairs, without saying a word and – presumably – set the shop up. Ed shrugged and rinsed the bowl out. Rather than turn the tap on and leave the room without turning it off – only to be "reminded to turn it off" – he waited until the bowl was full of water and turned the tap off. He then scrubbed the bowl with a sponge for walking downstairs to join his boss. Riveting.

(-)

It was now 11:30am. Apart from Ed and Bob, the store had about three people in it. Ed was busy reading Hero Tim #3 (where "Hero Tim" uses his power of resurrection and possession to bring down the evil reign of "Evil Jim" and his army of [corrupt] police officers), Bob was in the staff room reading The Transformers #47 ("Club Con!") and everyone else was just browsing. After they bought their comics, the store was empty again. And, once the phone rang, Bob put the comic down (although he placed it in a way that he won't have to flick through the pages to find out where he was) and answered it. 'Hello, Automaton's Lair. Bob speaking.'

'Hey, Bob.' Eddy responded. He was, again, standing outside of the office where he worked, using a payphone. Except, this time, he doesn't have a hip flask in his hand. 'Is Ed there?'

'He is, yes. But who may I say is calling?'

'Eddy.'

'OK, thanks.' Bob then got up, but didn't hang up. He then walked over to Ed. 'There's someone called "Eddy" on the phone for you.'

Ed grinned as he ran to the phone. Bob just stayed at the counter, waiting for Ed to finish the call. 'Hey, Eddy!' Thankfully, Ed didn't yell loud enough for Eddy to place the phone away from his ear.

'Hey, Ed. Listen, are you free on Friday? 'Cos Double D and I are gonna go for a drink. Usual time.'

Ed paused for a couple of seconds. 'Do not adjust your set.'

'We're not on TV, Monobrow.' However, Ed didn't hear that, as the phone was on the desk.

About 15 seconds later Ed returned to the phone and picked it up. 'Yeah, but Bob says if I'm not back by 11:45, then I'm stayin' at yours.'

Eddy shrugged. 'Meh, can't complain. And, hopefully, the bar won't be too far from your place.'

'Yeah. Anyways, I gotta go now. See ya.'

'OK. See ya, Ed.' They both hung up at the same time and got back to work, waiting for Friday.

(~~~)

A/N: Yes, as you can see, that was clearly worth the wait.

So yeah, sorry it took so long. Not even I could bullshit my way out of that writer's block. But I got it over with. Hopefully, the next chapter will be an improvement. Maybe. We'll see.

Alright, with that out of the way, I'll start on the explanations. Granted, it'll be a short list, but at least it won't be much:

1. L.A. Tool & Die was the last film in a series of gay pornographic movies called the Working Man Trilogy. I like to think of it (alongside Tom of Finland's drawings) as a Western example of Bara (if you don't know what it is, feel free to ask me if you don't want to look it up), simply because it showed men in blue-collar jobs having "fun" with one another without the whole seme/uke thing. The more you know...

2. No, you didn't read that wrong; there was a series [in this story, of course] called Hero Tim (a 1994 bi-monthly 6-issue comic set in an alternative universe where Tim is actually the good guy and a misunderstood loner; and Jim is the bad guy who is widely loved by everyone). It's a bit like Transformers: Shattered Glass. It's amazing how many comic ideas I come up with and it's a shame how many of them are only briefly mentioned. Well, at least a number of you like Pimpsmasher.

3. You may be wondering how Eddy suddenly got over Ed leaving. Maybe something inside of him told him to accept it and move on. Maybe – in yet another fourth wall breaking moment – he felt the song playing on the radio was a bit too much. Who knows and, quite frankly, who cares?

Well, that's pretty much it. As an apology for taking a while with this (to the point where I broke my promise to update semi-monthly. With any luck, I won't break it again), the next chapter will be quite long. Hopefully. Alright, so take care and sorry for the delay.

P.S. Does anyone remember Chapter 17 when I explained that Eddy giving a "Reason You Suck Speech" to the kids and the Kankers would've made a much better ending to Big Picture Show (although I will admit that it's nice to see the Eds being accepted)? Well, after I remembered that a couple of people (one of them being the guy who's reviewing every chapter of this) actually agreed with me, I then wondered if anyone else felt the same way. So I set up a poll. I'm not saying that the movie was terrible – I found it to be good, but not great – and I'm not saying that you have to agree with me, I'm just asking for your opinion. Although I will say that if you watch a number of episodes (mainly If It Smells Like an Ed; Boo Haw Haw; Smile for the Ed; Your Ed Here; and X Marks the Ed), you'll see that Dumbass [me] Has a Point.


	23. Chapter 23: We Are Down and Out

Edarchy

Chapter 23: We Are Down and Out

Disclaimer: I don't own Ed, Edd n Eddy. The song title comes from a KMFDM song. There are probably some things I don't own (i.e. a few things about the Eds and their lives came from other stories, i.e. Edtallica by Belgie). And I am sadly not the King [and Queen] of Cheese.

A/N: As an apology for the delay [and mediocrity] of the last chapter, I've decided to write this, which, again, may or may not have been a bit like DNF. Although there are one or two important things, it probably won't be as long as Chapter 16 (but it's still kinda long). Which is a shame, really.

So, what shall we see here? Well, hopefully, we'll delve into the Eds' past. We'll see how Eddy went from how he was during the original show to how he acts now; how Edd started to think for himself; and how Ed began standing up for himself. Furthermore, I might go a little bit more in depth with Kevin and Jonny's friendship. Also, there is some swearing here, but not all of it is in English. Alright, so I might as well start this thing.

(~~~)

It was now 7:45pm on Friday 18th September, 1998. Eddy was sitting at home watching some show. He didn't have a drink on him, seeing as he'd probably go out and get one later. He had some dinner earlier – a cup of bacon flavoured InstaRamen noodles (with chilli ketchup), poured into a tortilla with lettuce and cheese. Surprisingly, it went down well, although you could argue that Eddy's been drinking so much – or for so long – that he's pretty much lost his sense of taste. That is, if you haven't tried it already (I have, but more on that later).

However, he did have a bottle of Vita Cola that he bought from that new foreign foods shop downtown. He thought it was alright; probably worth drinking once or twice. When the show went to a commercial, Eddy picked up the remote and changed to a different channel. He necked down some more of his drink before eventually turning the TV off. He didn't mind skipping over whatever it was he was watching earlier – it was something he saw a couple of days ago. He then finished his drink and headed back into his bedroom, going for a shower.

After he finished in the shower, he went into the Closet of Dreams and took out his suit (the one with no tie he's worn quite a few times) along with a black shirt (he's re-wearing the boxers and socks he wore earlier). Because when you wake up in a pile of your own sick – and, in the worst case scenario, somebody else's – you clearly want to look your best. After he grabbed a pair of black shoes, he walked out (carrying the suit) and placed them along the bed. He flung his towel onto the floor and started to get changed. I would go a little bit into detail here, but I won't. When he finished getting changed into whatever it is he's now wearing, he picked up the towel and his jumpsuit and put them in a washbasket he keeps in the closet.

(-)

Over at his apartment, Edd – who was sitting on the floor – was playing Mario Kart 64 with Marie (who was on the couch). They were both playing Battle Mode on the Skyscraper level, with Edd being Toad and Marie being Yoshi. So far, Marie was winning (she has all three balloons, compared to her opponent having only two), whereas Edd was winning overall – The score is 4-1 to him. Edd tried to dodge an incoming red shell but accidentally fell off the stage, costing him a balloon. 'Damn.' He said, half-interested.

'Don't worry.' Marie continued to drive around. 'Still beatin' me.'

'True...' When Edd got back onto the track, he then drove into a pickup box and eventually got a fake one. 'When this is finished, do you want to play something different?'

'Sure.' She replied. 'What do ya have in mind?'

Edd briefly paused before coming up with something. 'Goldeneye?'

'Yeah, OK.' She shrugged. 'Still, I ain't doin' too bad. Compared to your friends.'

'Ah, yes. Don't know about Eddy, but you're better than Ed. The last time all four of us played this, we were on... what was it?'

'Rainbow Road.'

'That's the one. Anyway, he kept flailing the controller around and stuck his tongue out. Eventually, Eddy had to remind him that what he was doing was suited for a fighting game than a racing game.' Edd then used Star Power to make Marie lose one of her balloons. 'Not to mention that he was in last place, driving erratically and continuously falling off the course.'

'He was looking at the TV as well.' Marie didn't notice that she ran into the fake pickup box and lost a balloon. Next person to be hit by anything or fall off loses. 'Still not as bad as him playing Doom.'

'How do you kn-' Edd paused mid-sentence. 'Oh yeah, I remember; I told you about it.' He then faced the reader and snarkily responded 'Like the good friend I am.' It was at that point that Marie – who had Star Power activated – drove into him and he fell off the course. It didn't matter, seeing as Marie won that round. But Edd still won overall: 4-2. 'Goldeneye?'

'Yeah, just a quick game.' Marie put her controller down onto the couch. ''Sides, aren't ya meeting your friends at The Dive?'

Edd paused for a brief second. 'Shit.' His eyes widened, seeing as he rarely swore, and he was somewhat shocked when he did. 'I concur, I'll be more than happy with a quick game.'

'OK, you set it up, 'cos I'm gonna go for a piss.' Marie then got up and headed to the bathroom. Without saying a word, he then turned the console off, took out the cartridge that was already in and replaced it. He then turned the console back on and set everything up. A minute or so later, Marie came out of the bathroom and sat back down on the couch. Once they selected their characters (Civilian and Scientist) and a random level, they began their game.

(-)

It was now 9:05pm. No, Edd and Marie didn't take that long to play their game, he's just standing outside the bar having a cigarette and she's back at her place with Scott. Although it was quite dark out, the area was reasonably lit with street lights, overhead sconce lamps and the lights from inside shining through the windows. He was leaning against the corner of the building, in a well-lit area, having his cigarette. When he finished it, he delicately placed the stub into a disposal canister and walked back inside, bought a beer and joined his friends at the booth the three of them normally stay in.

In the booth, the three Eds were sat down drinking their drinks in their usual spots. Eddy then finished drinking his beer and went back to buy another one. When he got back to the table, he began drinking it quickly. 'What's with you?' Edd was confused.

'Just found out I might get laid off.' Eddy slammed his mug down onto the table, although it wasn't hard enough to damage the glass. He then sighed. 'It's Junior and Senior year again.'

'Yes, when you had to skip most of school to work.' Edd nodded. 'But I don't see how this relates to the possibility of you losing your job.'

'Yeah, when my parents split up, they gave me some money to look after myself. Didn't last long.'

'Yes, considering how you gave up scamming after that encounter with your brother.'

'Are ya gonna say "Yes" to everything?'

'Yes.' Edd paused briefly, only noticing what he said. It's Too Smart For His Own Ed all over again. 'I mean no.'

'Too late.' Eddy smirked, finishing off his beer. 'But yeah, I had to get a job. Wasn't so bad; pay was alright and the manager at least knew I was there.'

'Not to mention the putain!' Ed said. Unfortunately, he got that last word wrong.

'Poutine, ya retard.' Eddy, albeit rudely, corrected his friend. '"Putain" is French for "Whore".' This was quite surprising, considering how – most of the time during their little World Cup holiday – Eddy said a bunch of random words (including "Mon aéroglisseur est plein d'anguilles") in a dire attempt to sound like he was fluent in the language.

'By the way, Ed.' Edd had returned with a round of beers for the trio. 'How did you learn that word?'

'Scott yelled it when he dropped a stick and banged his head on an amp. He also said something about ostriches and tobacco.' I would correct him there, but it would ruin what little humour there was.

'Yikes.' Edd moved back a little bit. 'But still, how are we discussing Québécois swear words when we should be hearing Eddy's harrowing story about what lead him to become the man he is?'

'Shit author.' Eddy shrugged. 'But yeah, it wasn't a bad job. 'Sides, it helped me a bit with my current one.'

'So why don't you still work there?' Edd was confused.

'Doesn't pay much. 'Sides, they'd probably catch me drinkin'.'

'Sorry if this sounds derogatory, but how did you start drinking? The readers probably want to know.'

'Don't blame 'em.' Eddy shrugged, finishing his beer. 'Long story short: Found some booze somewhere; I'm guessin' it was some JD. Drank it and liked it. It made me want more. You can guess the rest from here.' Eddy got up to go to the toilet. A minute or so later, he returned.

'So, any more stories we would like to share?' Edd finished his drink.

There was a brief silence between the trio before Ed said something. 'I hate my parents.' I would also like to point out that he's slurring his speech a little, probably because of the alcohol. 'They're all like,' Ed began to put on a fake, screechy, high-pitched accent '"Ed, look after your baby sister." "Ed, stop reading those comics, they'll melt what little brains you have."' He then became bitterer. '"Ed, we should have aborted you!"' He then paused for a nanosecond. 'OK, they didn't say that last one.'

'I know that feelin', Ed.' Eddy consoled his friend. 'I keep thinkin' that my parents shoulda just used a condom. I mean, take a look at me and my brother. We've both fucked up. Fucked up with no way to fix it. After I showed what my brother is actually like, I just gave up. Everyone liked me, but I didn't really like 'em. A week later, I just gave up and started hangin' round you guys. My real friends.'

Less than a minute later, Edd had gotten up and brought the three of them a round of beers. 'If it helps, gentlemen, I never really was a huge fan of my mother and father. And why should I be? They were there for five years before going "Fuck it. Eddward can take care of himself."' He sighed bitterly and seems apathetic to the fact that he swore. 'Much like you, Eddy, some point after that encounter with Matthew, I took a long metaphorical look at myself and what I became. I too decided that I have had enough of things.' He drank some of his drink. 'When I was 19, I took up smoking, which alleviates most of my stress, but not all of it. When I was 14 or 15, I took up running; not only because I would fail Gym if I didn't take up a sport, but also to prove that I am not this wimp that everyone thinks I am. And...'

'Get on with it!' Eddy grumpily moaned.

'What I'm trying to say, Eddy, is that we've all come a long way, despite our upbringing. In fact, for five years, I had been courting Marie, who made my life hell for what felt like a decade. Hell, if Lee didn't come out of nowhere and... be amorous with Eddy... who knows what would've happened?'

'It probably woulda been based off of mutual hatred.' Eddy drank a bit of his drink, which had somehow been refilled. 'You hatin' me and me hatin' me.'

'Probably.' Edd shrugged. 'But still, I wish Marie and Scott all the best.'

'Hm.' Ed sniffed. Just over a minute later, he spoke again. And, like last time, it was a little bit slurred. 'Freshman year. Gym class. I aksa... aksu... unintern... looked at a guy's dick when I didn't wanna. Couldn't stop thinkin' 'bout it for days. Then there was Smalltown Boy...' After finishing his mug of beer, he drunkenly sang 'Run away, turn away, run away, turn away, run away...' He's still not a good singer, though. 'Still, I'd go straight for Nazz, Harley Quinn, She-Hulk...' He paused again. 'OK, those three.'

'Hmm...' Edd paused briefly to think. 'But why did you come out a few months ago?'

'Dunno. Maybe to piss 'em off?'

'Who?' Eddy placed his mug back onto the table.

'My baby sister. And mom and dad.'

'Ah.'

'Hell, it wasn't the first "Fuck you" to 'em.' Ed smiled, remembering all the times he stopped being the obedient son he was and started standing up for himself. 'There was Public Castration Is a Good Idea; there was tellin' Sarah to "Fuck off"; there was playin' metal. All that shit. And I wrote mom and dad that note tellin' 'em that they're shitty parents and they should go fuck 'emselfs.'

'But how did you...' Edd asked.

'Same as you guys.' Ed replied, probably knowing what the answer was going to be.

'So – like Eddy and I – you took a long look at yourself and thought "This is what has become of myself? I am now this... thing?" Was that it?'

'Yeah.' Ed hesitantly replied, having a guess at what Ed's trying to say. Afterwards, Ed got up to go to the toilet whereas Edd got a round of drinks for the three of them.

(-)

Not too long after, Kevin and Jonny walked by. 'Hey Kev, come here.' Eddy said. 'We wanna talk to ya 'bout somethin'.'

'What is it, dorks?' Kevin paused again. 'And Double D.'

'We were just talkin' about how that visit to my brother fucked everythin' up.'

'Mhm.' He nodded. Jonny was having one or two drinks, whereas Kevin was doing the night shift, which is why he is sober. 'No need to explain myself, we all know what I am.'

'Yes.' Edd put his mug back down. 'However, I do have one small question.'

'Shoot.'

'How did you and Jonny become such good friends?'

'We met at his brother's funeral a few years ago.' Kevin explained. ''94, I think it was.'

'Yeah.' Jonny sniffed, trying not to be upset at the memory. 'For the first two years of my life, my family and I were on the streets. We moved to the cul-de-sac afterwards and, years, later, there were things like you thinking I was the Toucher or Rolf about to eat me; not to mention The Gourd and Timber the Dark Shard.' He then sighed. 'There was my brother moving out and going to college to study film, as he loved the news and wanted to do that. Eventually, he got accepted to film the war in... You-go...'

'The former Yugoslavia.' Edd helped him along.

'Yup!' Jonny pointed [what is probably his] left index finger at the Eds. 'He was locked up in Sarajevo with no food, no water, nothing. After a while, he managed to get outta the city, only being shot in the hand. He remembered what happened in the city. He threw the first reel of film into a fire and hung himself with the second.' He sighed again. 'I miss Donald. But I still keep smiling; it's what he would've wanted me to do anyways.'

After hearing the former neighbourhood pest's sad tale, and how he became friends with the former jock, Edd reflected on what they talked about. 'It's quite jarring to see how we turned out. Seeing a potential footballer cut down in his prime; seeing a potential businessman and possible pyramid schemer now some drunkard who works as a janitor; and me – what was once a young, intelligent budding adventurer or doctor or scientist – sitting in this bar, discussing our failures. Really, the only person who has had anything close to "light" would be Ed, which really isn't saying much.'

'Mhm.' Ed nodded.

'But look at it this way, gents: We all have and/or had someone to help us. Ed, you have Bob and that band of yours.'

'Monster Condo.' Ed said.

'Eddy, you had your now-deceased uncle Martin.'

'Nice to see ya repetain' yourself there.' Eddy shrugged as he downed some more of his drink.

'And I had Marie for about 5 years. But, in a way, you, Ed and I are much like Kevin and Jonny – We have each other to look out for.'

'Yeah.' Eddy said as the three of them clinked their mugs together and finished drinking. Afterwards, they got up and stumbled towards the taxi outside, which Eddy had called earlier.

(~~~)

A/N: Angstfest is over. Hopefully.

So yeah, the next chapter will, hopefully, be more light-hearted than the previous few. I don't know what I'm going to do next, but I might expand on the friendship between Marie and Gerta. Also, explanations:

1) I mention Eddy having ramen noodles with ketchup (and cheese) in a tortilla. I've tried that and... it's actually not bad. What I haven't tried, however, is Vita Cola (an East German cola, back when the wall was up. It's still in production, if you're wondering), but I might do one day.

2) Originally, I was going to show the Eds and Marie playing Mario Kart 64, where we get to see Ed actually being terrible at it. But I didn't, because I'm a fucking idiot. But don't fret, in a future chapter, I will show Ed sucking at video games rather than have a character telling us about it.

3) Ignoring the fact that he was a character I just made up, one or two things about Jonny's brother may seem a bit... false (I don't know if you can hang yourself with a reel of film. Probably not). But yeah, it's a shame what happened to Jonny's brother. I would've mentioned what happened to Yugoslavia back then, but a) It would probably lead to a huge debate and b) You can get more [and better] information on the internet and at your local library.

4) I would've also written a bit about how you shouldn't confuse Jimmy Somerville (former lead singer of Bronski Beat and the Communards) with another Jimmy (if you're British, you'll probably get this one). But it would've probably been confused for a rant. Not to mention how it would've ruined the flow of the story and it would seem outdated in a few years (This is not modern-day Simpsons, y'know!).

5) Public Castration Is a Good Idea (which it is, when you think about it) was a live album by a band called Swans. It's often stated to be one of their most brutal live albums. It might be worth listening to if you're into noise rock (some of the songs from the album were filmed live and, along with some weird trippy shit, was included on a VHS called A Long Slow Screw). Also, "'emselfs" may seem like a typo, but it does kinda seem like something Ed might say, whether or not he is drunk.

6) Jonny being homeless for the first few years of his life wasn't actually based on the Purgatory theory. In fact, I don't know where it came from. But I will probably discuss it in a blog post some time from now. The purgatory theory, that is (and not how I came up with Jonny being homeless).

Well, that's pretty much it. All I have to do know is write the next chapter and wonder why Eddy's turning into Rorschach. Alright, so take care and... I'm running out of things to say here.

P.S. I've been considering changing from updating semimonthly to updating at least once a month. Mostly because of how hard it is to write anything vaguely interesting. I might do it, I might not. Just letting you guys know, is all.


	24. Chapter 24: WOLVERINE!

Edarchy

Chapter 24: WOLVERINE!

(will not be appearing in this chapter)

Disclaimer: I don't own Ed, Edd n Eddy. Wolverine is part of the X-Men, which is owned by Marvel (and Gisnep. I mean Disney). And Jim Morrison is still the Lizard King, although I don't see how that's related..

A/N: Alright, now that Angstfest is over, I'll try to be a bit more comedic. But I will still add some much needed character development. Because I think we can all agree that a huge number of the characters seem a bit flat and reasonably uninteresting. I will admit that the last chapter may have had a funny moment, but the overall tone was dramatic.

Oh, and for a change, I'll be mentioning the Eds in this chapter, but I won't have them properly appear. I should point out that I tried this in Chapter 6, but it didn't really work (It was a bit like See No Ed, if it was mediocre and Edd and Eddy appeared roughly halfway through). So, instead, I shall be expanding on the relationship between Gerta and Marie: How they first met, how they became friends and all that crap. I'll also go into more detail with Rolf and the rest of the Kankers. Unfortunately, it might not be as entertaining, but it's still a hell of a lot better than Chapter 12. Now that I've said what I'm hoping to do here, I'll get started.

(~~~)

It was Saturday 19th September, 1998. Over at Marie's house, it was pretty much silent. In her bedroom, she and Scott were sleeping on the bed – they were both presumably naked. Scott was lying on his front, with one arm dangling off the bed and the quilt covering everything from the waist down; whereas Marie was covered up to her neck, although her hair was messy. Not to mention their clothes scattered all over the floor, a record player – with a copy of Songs About Fucking (by Big Black) next to it – on a chest of drawers and a used condom wrapper was on a nightstand. Subtle.

All was quite and peaceful until the alarm clock went off. An arm came out from under the covers and slammed down on the Snooze button. Marie, still tired, stuck a leg out of the quilt and put one of her feet on the floor. She then pushed the quilt away from her and sat up, naked. She turned around and got out of bed. She grabbed the quilt and covered up Scott. He then writhed his way up the bed for some reason until he accidentally banged his head on the headboard. 'Connard!' He yelled before going back to sleep. Marie flinched, wondering what the noise was, before looking back at the bed to see the Canadian burying his head into the pillow. She then shrugged it off, yawned and headed for the chest of drawers. She then opened a drawer (labelled "Towels, etc." by Edd back when the two were dating), grabbed a blue towel and left the room, going for a shower.

Less than forty minutes later, Marie was out of the shower and dressed in her usual clothes (except she hasn't got her leather jacket on). She was now in the kitchen, having a cup of coffee – no milk and no sugar. The kitchen itself had green tiles on the walls and the standard black and white floor tiles. The only door (which is to the right) will lead you into the living room. In the middle of the room was a brown oak table, where she was sitting on one of the four chairs reading a newspaper and having her drink. There were a row of counters – which looked like they were made of green marble but weren't – which were broken (not literally) by a sink and a stove – which was just underneath a window. On the left side of the room was a pink fridge with a black diagonal stripe across it, with a wallphone next to it and a bin in the corner. Thankfully, the kitchen wasn't that big, considering as I've ran out of things to put in it.

She was reading the newspaper to see if anything interesting happened; there wasn't. Then she found an advert for a music store, which reminded her that Rolf and Gerta's anniversary was coming up next month and she hadn't gotten them presents. Luckily, she remembered what she could get for Gerta (as she had seen a copy of The Sound of Perseverance by Death a couple of days ago whilst in a record store), but she had trouble thinking of something for Rolf. Maybe she could get a CD for him, but she didn't know what music he was into. Alternatively, she could just give him some tools or some meat (or something less Freudian). Either way, she had to come up with something.

At that moment, Scott walked in to the kitchen naked. Apart from the tattoos I described in a previous chapter, there were a few we couldn't see due to the areas there being covered up. On his left thigh – not too far from his genatalia – there was the Vancouver Canucks logo (the Orca one, which he got last year when Monster Condo did a small Canadian tour) and, in the same place except on the other leg, there was the logo for the BC Lions. 'Hey, hun.' She greeted her boyfriend.

'Hey.' He leant down to kiss her on the cheek. At that moment, she noticed he wasn't wearing anything. She couldn't spot it earlier because she was too busy reading the paper. 'Underwear.' She reminded him.

He looked down and noticed something. 'Ah, right. Thanks.' He then turned around and walked back upstairs. A minute later, he walked back in, wearing the pair of navy blue boxers he wore yesterday. He opened the fridge and got the milk out. He put it down on the counter, next to the coffee machine. 'Hey, where do you keep the cups?' He turned round.

'Cupboard above the sink.' She looked up from her paper. 'Sugar's there as well, if ya want any.'

'OK, thanks.' He then walked over to the sink and opened the cupboard. He took out a white bag (simply labelled "Sugar") and a plain white mug. He poured some of the still-warm coffee into the cup until it was a few millimetres from the brim. He then added some milk and added about three teaspoonfuls of sugar. He then grabbed a spoon from the cutlery draw – but not before he wondered why he didn't get one out first – and stirred his coffee over the sink; mostly because it won't matter if he spills any. 'You know,' He took a sip of his coffee. 'I've been thinking 'bout getting rid of my 'hawk.'

'Why?' She turned round to look at him. 'Looks nice on ya.'

'I don't know. Luckily, it ain't that tall and I still got hair, so I could just get a pair of scissors. Or I can just find a way to flatten it.'

'Or...' Marie was wondering if there would be a third option.

'Or what? I can't think of anything else and I don't intend to keep it.'

'Ah, OK.' She finished off her coffee. 'Later on, I might visit Rolf and Gerta.'

'Who?'

'Ya don't know?' She was curious, as he had met them quite a few times now. 'He's that blue-haired tall guy, works on a farm, says "Rolf" 'stead of "I".'

'Alright.' He then tried to remember. 'And Gerta's his...'

'Wife.'

'Ah, right. OK.' He nodded. Hopefully he'll remember this time.

'I'm not goin' now. I'll go later.' She picked the cup up and put it in the dishwasher. 'Later on, I might get 'em somethin' for their anniversary.'

'Cool.' He nodded. 'And what are you getting them?'

'Dunno 'bout him,' She sniffed. 'But I'm gettin' her a CD.'

'Uh-huh.' He nodded, finally drinking his coffee. 'Well, I hope they like whatever you'll get them.'

'Yeah, hope so too.'

(-)

It was now 11:55am. Scott had gone home and Marie was just getting ready to go to Rolf and Gerta's house. After rummaging around her room for a couple of seconds to find it, she put her jacket on and grabbed her keys. Not her car keys, though, as she doesn't live very far from the cul-de-sac, but rather her house keys. But you guys probably knew that. She opened the front door and got out of the house. When she was out, she closed the door behind her and locked it. After a deep breath and exhaling, she put her keys into one of her jacket pockets and headed over to the farm. And, although it was cloudy outside, it didn't look like it would rain. Either way, it was still a little bit cold outside, so Marie zipped up her jacket and started walking.

When she got to the end of her cul-de-sac (which, as you should probably know, was the construction site from the original show), she kept walking until she was at the original cul-de-sac. She then crossed the road and went up to Rolf's house. When she got there, she knocked on the door and waited. A few seconds later, just as she was getting ready to knock again, someone opened the door. It was Gerta, who was wearing a Mayhem shirt, a pair of black jeans and her usual shoes. 'Hey.' She said, probably mumbling.

'Hey Gerta. Noticed you're wearing the shirt again.'

'Yeah...' The two of them then reminisced about their first meeting.

(-)

We now go to September 1993. Gerta, wearing the Mayhem shirt, black jeans and Vans as shown earlier, was standing outside Rolf's house. However, rather than having a blonde braided ponytail, her hair was just long. She was just standing outside, looking around nervously. She took a deep breath and was about to knock on the door, when suddenly she heard a voice. 'Hey!' It was Marie, although she wasn't wearing the leather jacket she now wears.

Gerta let out something that sounded like 'Hello.' But we couldn't be really sure, since it was so quiet.

Marie then took a look at Gerta's shirt. 'Mayhem, huh? Guessin' they're black metal, right?' Gerta nodded. 'Well, you know what my favourite black metal band is? Living Colour.'

You'd expect Gerta to be angry or upset about that. But no. Instead, she was too busy stifling a laugh. After letting out a small chuckle, she finally said 'You're funny.'

'Thanks?' Marie was confused at, but then she decided to roll with it.

Gerta smiled. 'I'm Gerta.'

'Marie.'

'Cool name. I don't know why, I think we are going to be best friends!'

'Yeah.' Marie replied, deadpan. 'Same.'

(-)

We then cut to... now... with both Gerta and Marie standing outside, looking up. 'Can we please go in?' The goatmilker asked. 'My neck hurts.'

They both looked back down. 'Sure.' Marie said, rubbing the back of her neck. At that point, they both walked in and headed to the living room.

I would do an explanation, but, if you've seen Knock, Knock Who's Ed?, then you'll probably know what Rolf's living room looks like. EXCEPT! Here, there are a few pictures of Gerta, her parents and her five siblings (two sisters and three brothers); two urns (which, much like the one containing Rolf's Great Nano's ashes, are actually snowglobes); and a photo of the couple at their wedding (Gerta was wearing the standard bridal dress and veil and Rolf was in some traditional suit; made from the skin of some animal, cured and cobbled together by three blind elders using their feet). Gerta and Marie sat down on a couch – which probably materialised out of nowhere – and stretched. Before I get started on the next paragraph, I would just like to say that, even though they're both sitting down, Gerta is just slightly taller than Marie. 'So...' Gerta asked. 'Is there anything I can help you with?'

'Nah, just came over to talk. Dunno 'bout what, though.'

'Hmm...' Gerta paused to think. 'We could talk about how we became friends.'

'Nah, I think we all know that.' Marie said, seeing as it's her turn being the exposition fairy. 'We're both into heavy music. We bonded over our love of punk, metal and Swans.'

'Yeah.' Gerta nodded. 'I didn't even know who Swans was until you showed them to me.' By the way, Gerta was unaware that she made a grammatical mistake (Swans are a band, by the way. Just letting you guys know), so please don't point it out.

'Funny story.' Marie said. 'Ya know Double D? My ex, still a close friend?' Gerta nodded again. 'Yeah, he ain't inta Swans. Even though Burning World and White Light were more his style, he still didn't like it. Ah well.'

'Another funny story for you.' Gerta added. 'You know I'm from Norway, right?'

'Yeah.'

'And how black metal is this Norwegian music thing?'

'Uh-huh.'

'Well, I'm more into death metal. I do not know why.'

'Who knows? Who cares?'

A minute or two passed before Gerta spoke again. 'Still, there must be more.'

'Let's see...' Marie paused briefly. 'Well, I had a fucked up childhood. Moved around a lot. Me and my sisters fought a lot. Despite gettin' fucked repeatedly, Mom still looked out for us. However, I ran away when I was 14. Couldn't handle it.'

'My.' Gerta said in shock. 'Please go on.'

'The only thing keepin' me sane was Double D. I couldn't really show it without seemin' weak. But, after a while, we eventually started goin' out. Now, I'm not evil, but rather more... uninterested. Like "Why should I give a flying fuck about ya?" Unless someone I care 'bout – like you or Double D – gets involved. I'm not fuckin' weak, though. If anyone fucks with Double D, Scott or you - 'specially you - they'll be on the receivin' end of an ass-kickin'!'

Gerta was still in some shock. 'Well, at least I'm here.' She said for some reason.

The two of them then hugged each other. However, when leaning in, Marie's head accidentally touched Gerta's... breasts. The good news is that the goatmilker didn't notice (which might be saying something, but I don't know what). The bad news was that Marie did notice, but, for some reason, didn't care. After a couple of seconds, they stopped hugging. Marie then noticed the picture of Gerta and her family on the mantelpiece. She walked over to it and picked it up. 'Is this you?'

'Yeah, that's me, Mor, Far, and my brothers and sisters. It was taken on the family farm a couple of years ago.' And, indeed, they were all standing outside, in front of a barn. Surprisingly, they had managed to install a banner, which read "Solvang familiegjenforening '96", which roughly means "Solvang family reunion '96". Unfortunately, I probably won't be describing the people in the photo, although one of them (apart from Gerta, of course) will be appearing later on. Probably in the Christmas special.

'Cool.' Marie then paused again. 'Who's who again? Forgot.'

She pointed at the two people sitting down. 'Mor og Far. Last month, I sent her an e-mail, saying "Happy birthday". She's 57.' Marie whistled, somewhat surprised. 'And Far will be 78 in a few weeks. He also served in the Norwegian resistance during World War 2.'

'Sweet.' Marie nodded. She then pointed to the people in the back. 'And these people?'

'That's me and my brothers and sisters.' She pointed to the first person on the left. Her left. 'That's Magne, the eldest. He and Far fought a lot, but they still loved each other. After leaving home in...' He paused, trying to remember. '1983, I think it was – he squatted in Blitz until '91. He now lives in Stockholm.'

'Did ya get along with 'im?'

'We rarely spoke to each other. But, when they weren't fighting, he and Far teached me how to hunt. Funnily, he's vegan.'

'Ah, right.' She then pointed to the woman on his right. 'Who's she?'

'Kristina, my older sister. She always was a bit of a drama queen. We didn't fight, but I played a couple of pranks on her.' Marie then lifted her finger off of the frame. 'She now teaches dramas at a school. I do not know where, though.'

Marie nodded. She then noticed the guy next to Kristina. 'That's Anders, right?'

'Yes. He and I got on very well. He introduced me to metal. Far didn't approve, of course – we were a very religious family – but he didn't mind, just as long as we stood out of trouble.' She smiled. 'He's now a lawyer working in Trondheim. And another funny story: He once won a case, even though he still had some corpsepaint from a concert he went to the night before.'

'Cool.' Marie nodded, still interested.

Gerta then pointed to another spot on the picture. 'That's me; no need to go into detail.' She then slid her finger over to yet another spot, in between two people.

'Right.'

'And these two are Jonas and Sigrid. He studied a lot and she didn't like us hunting. He's doing economics at Oslo University and she's training to be a doctor.'

'Cool. So how old's everyone?'

'Let's see...' Gerta was trying to remember off the top of her head. She was also hoping to 'Magne's 38; Kristina's 35; Anders is 28; I'm 26; and Jonas and Sigrid are 18.'

'Mhm.' Marie nodded, although she was wondering why she was faintly out of character. Gerta then picked the picture up and put it back on the mantelpiece. Afterwards, she headed back to the couch.

(-)

Marie then looked at a clock, which – again – may or may not have materialised out of nowhere. 'So... Hungry?'

'A little bit.' Gerta looked down for some reason.

'Hm. Well, I know a place. Ever had poutine?'

'I don't think so. I have heard of it, though.'

'It's fries, gravy 'n' cheese curds. From Canada. Tastes better than it sounds.'

'I might have to try it.' Gerta smiled. 'Just let me get Rolf.'

At that point, she headed outside into the backyard. Outside, the animals were eating whatever it was they were given and Rolf was doing some ploughing – shirtless, I might add. But yeah, ever since his accident with the tractor, he had to do most things manually (and the farm had to be adapted to fit his lack of depth perception). But he didn't mind, seeing as it's pretty much good exercise. Even though he only shows his muscles off when he's pissed off, you can definitely tell he's been working out when he isn't [angered]. After he finished doing whatever he was doing, he put the plough down and breathed heavily. He then picked up a wooden barrel (which they used to collect any rainwater for some reason), turned it upside down and let all the water go over him, cooling him off. He then pulled up his sagging jeans and went to get a big of seeds, also making sure they are actually seeds and not chocolate. After getting the bag, he then noticed his wife was walking towards him. 'Hello there, Gerta!' He smiled.

'Hei.' Gerta waved as she walked up to her husband. 'Marie and I are going out to get some lunch.'

'Rolf is fine at the moment.' He said that just in case she asked if he wanted anything.

'OK. I'm just going to go now. Adjø!'

Rolf waved back and continued working. Gerta walked back into the house and up to Marie. 'I'll drive. 'Sides, I need to put some gas in.'

Suddenly, Gerta remembered something. 'You know it's my anniversary next week, right?'

'Yeah. Wrote it down somewhere.'

'You know what I'd really like?' Gerta smiled. 'Death.'

Normally, you'd expect Marie – or indeed anyone else within earshot – to be shocked. But they weren't. Mostly because Gerta, Marie and Rolf were the only three people in the cul-de-sac who were outside. Even so, they'd probably know what she was talking about. Either way, Marie smiled back. 'Yeah, I'll see what I can do.'

(~~~)

A/N: I'll admit it: I'd go gay for Rolf (if he was at least 18. The age of consent may be 16 where I am, but I want to be sure). Then again, I am bi and he's a fictional character. After announcing this, a few of the things in this story (i.e. my possible obsession with Bara) may start making sense.

So yeah, that's it for this chapter. Next up we'll be reunited with the Eds after their chapter off. Although I don't know if I'll ever do something like this again, it was nice to take a break from our three... I wouldn't call them "heroes" or "protagonists", but rather the mainest-of-the-main characters. Yes, that'll do. Either way, here are some explanations:

1) I think I've mentioned this before, but I'm repeating it just in case: If you're Norwegian (or at least fluent in the language. And you know the difference between Bokmål and Nynorsk), PLEASE let me know if I've made any slipups. It's crucial because, as we all know, Gerta the goatmilker is from Norway (as revealed in No Speak Da Ed, where she was Edd's penpal. She was also familiar with Rolf and – arguably – Ed).

2) Furthermore, if Gerta makes any grammatical mistakes, chances are it was deliberate. Especially when it comes to plurals. In other words: If it's a plural that doesn't end in S (which also extends to ending in E-S or I-E-S), she'll probably get it wrong. I'm writing this just in case.

3) We all know the stereotype about Nordic people (specifically Norwegians, Swedes and Finns) and how much they love metal. Hell, I originally was going to have Marie comment on how Norwegians are "Swedes who love black metal" – Which I scrapped because of the amount of flames I'd possibly receive (plus there are probably some Swedish black metal bands and some Norwegian death metal bands). But yeah, the only reason why I made Gerta more into death metal is because... I have no fucking idea. Probably because I wanted to do something different.

4) Gerta having five siblings isn't a tribute to my good friend John (Flywheel, Shyster and Flywheel. Hope you are alright, mate). Instead, it's more a tribute to another show I've mentioned once or twice (your best bet is to see the Eds referencing it in Chapter 16). If I'm wrong, please correct. And no, I wasn't being sarcastic. At least, I don't think I was...

5) Apologies for any excess angst leftover from Angstfest. It somehow seeped into this chapter. Also, I tried to be more comedic here, but it seems like I didn't. Oh well, the Eds appear in the next chapter, so chances are that.

6) I failed the Bechdel test, didn't I?

7) Originally, Gerta's father (or Far, as she calls him) was initially going to be 14 years older than her mother. Whilst I was writing this chapter, I realised that there'd be no way that it could happen without fucking up the maths. So, after much revision, he's [roughly] 21 years older.

8) Sorry, when I was describing Rolf, I forgot how to English. At least, I think I did.

So that's pretty much it. Last chapter, I said I'll be aiming for at least one update a month. Obviously, that doesn't mean that there'll only be one update a month, but it's there just in case. I originally planned to write a page for this story on the Edfanon wiki, but I decided against it due to being nervous. But if you want to do it, that's fine by me.

And before I go, I'd just like to mention that, because of how one of them has a fanbase (probably because of what he went – and is still going - through), Kevin would be added to the characters thingy (y'know, where you select which characters your story is centred on). And Marie as well, for some reason (I'll try not to make her like Wesley Crusher). Alright, so take care and the next chapter will be more Eds-related.

P.S. Jag hämtar alkoholen och leveranser, du får strippor och prostituerade. Tillsammans kan vi se världen slut. Då skulle jag vara flytande i ditt språk och inte tillgripa Google jävla Translate. Som visas här.


	25. Chapter 25: Meanwhile

Edarchy

Chapter 25: Meanwhile...

Disclaimer: I don't own Ed, Edd n Eddy. That's pretty much Mr. Antonucci's job. I'm here to write a terrible fan fiction and drink vodka and coke... and I've pretty much got what I needed.

A/N: This time we'll be reunited with the Eds! Hooray. But yeah, this takes place on the same day as the last chapter, but – as I've said – this time it'll be centred around the Eds. I'll definitely try to make it more lighthearted than the last chapter; I seriously and genuinely didn't know I had any excess angst left over from Angstfest, let along would I know it was spill over. But yeah, this time, I'll try to develop the remaining members of Ed's band (we all know that Jeff worked [or works] in the same coffee shop Edd works for; Scott is currently dating Marie; and that Steve is a bald Canadian. Riveting). Alright, I'll get started on writing this chapter whilst I figure out how the hell I made the last one go on for over 4000 words. So prepare yourself for plenty of filler!

(~~~)

It was... the same day as the last chapter. And, over at Eddy's house, it was also quite quiet. However, the time is now 10:45am. In the living room, Ed and Edd were spooning again (is there even any chemistry between them now?). Except, this time, Ed was shirtless – his jacket and shirt were on the floor – and Edd was fully clothed (or would be if his beanie). In his drunken slumber, Edd was mumbling to himself. He was mumbling (or what sounds close to) 'Blame it on a black star. Blame it on a falling sky...' No points for guessing what song (or what band, for that matter) he's singing. Oh, and if you're wondering, Edd is closer to the edge of the couch than Ed is.

Meanwhile, Eddy was back in his room. Nearly all of his clothes were off – a lone sock was dangling off his right foot, which was sticking out from the covers. Next to him was a lump that was lying next to him. We don't know what the lump was, although we can guess it was a person who decided to bury themselves there. We could see nearly all of Eddy's clothes on a big pile there, which was surprising, considering how he wasn't really wearing that much. Ooh, foreshadowing.

Anyways, Eddy woke up and rubbed the back of his head, trying to piece together what happened the previous night. He grabbed a glass of water that magically appeared on his nightstand, turned over and threw the water in his face (but not the glass. He's not that stupid). After shaking his head, he got up out of bed. He stretched – or what seemed like stretching – and stumbled about. He was definitely naked, although that sock that he was wearing was still clinging on. He noticed it, picked it up – to the best of his ability – and threw it on the pile. He then noticed something brewing inside of him 'Oh crap.' He groaned before rushing to his personal bathroom.

One much-needed puking later, he then wandered back into his bedroom. He then looked at the lump underneath his quilt whilst mumbling something that vaguely sounds like 'What the fuck do I have here?'

He pulled back the covers, he found a man sleeping in his bed. However, it wasn't what it was that made Eddy feel slightly uncomfortable (since we all know that Eddy swings so many ways, the pendulum goes 360 degrees), but rather who it was. 'Yo dude, can you – like – turn the light off, bro? Thanks.' It was Jeff.

Eddy made a weird startled sound, the kind that would probably ruin any dramatic moment. But this wasn't relatively dramatic. Either way, it woke Ed and Edd up. 'Whassat?' Ed muttered, half asleep and half still drunk.

Edd then fumbled around, trying to find his beanie. When he found it, he put it on. 'Shall we see if our friend needs us?' He moaned, his head pounding and he was hoping that a small wet patch (now dried) on his cargos was either sweat or booze.

'Yeah.' Edd slowly got up off of the couch and inched his way towards Eddy's room, whereas Ed rolled off and fell on the floor. After landing in a small pile composed of his shirt and his jacket, he then got up and stumbled around, trying to follow Edd. When they got to Eddy's room, they found Eddy in his naked glory, holding a torn condom wrapper. Well, at least he wore protection. Then all three Eds turned their heads towards the bed and saw who was in it. 'Hey, Jeff.' Ed waved and said in a loud voice, causing everyone else in the room to wince in pain.

''Sup dudes?'

'So Jeff, I haven't seen you at work lately.'

'Nah, dude, I quit. Remember?'

'Oh, yes.' Edd looked to his side for some unknown reason.

'Ya still have a job?' Eddy asked, probably breaking the fourth wall.

'Why?' Edd also asked, but this time it seemed like he was mocking Eddy. 'Do you?'

'Touché.'

Ed then asked what may be the only sensible question so far. 'So yeah, why ain't ya with Sandy?'

Jeff then replied. 'Dude, she's back in Frisco with her parents. I only went out for a few brewskis and now I'm in bed with some guy. Not radical at all, broheem.'

'Gents, I am in no mood for any morality business.' Edd complained, hoping that no one would ask any more questions. 'Because my head fucking hurts.' Just as Ed opened his mouth and pointed his finger in the air. 'And yes, I know I swore.' Ed closed his mouth and put his hand down.

A minute or two of silence filled the air before Ed said something. 'So… Is this gonna come up again?'

'Depends.' Edd answered. 'Jeff might forget it after a while, but we're hoping for Eddy to keep his mouth shut.'

'I sleep with people and I get drunk.' Eddy said. 'Where the fuck does it say I can't give a crap 'bout 'em?'

'Good point.' Edd replied.

At that point, Jeff got up and out of bed. He got his clothes out of the pile and carried them into Eddy's bathroom, probably to get changed. After noticing everything wrong with this scene, Eddy replied. 'God bless unfortcha-thing impli-ca-doodads. If there was a God.'

'Unfortunate implications, Eddy.' Edd corrected his friend. 'A sign that our author should spend less time on the internet.'

(-)

It was now 11:30am. Jeff managed to call a cab to get home and, whilst Ed and Eddy were just sitting around in Eddy's living room, Edd was outside smoking a cigarette. Ed, who was lying down on the couch, looked down at his stomach and said 'Man, I'm hungry.'

'Same. I'd make us some omelettes, but I'm outta eggs. And I can't go to Rolf's 'cos of some plothole-ish reason.'

'Hm. Chunky Puffs?'

'Nah. Also outta milk.' Eddy paused to think. 'Ya got five bucks?'

Ed took off a shoe and a sock. He stuck his hand into the sock and pulled out a vaguely crumpled, faintly damp but incredibly bad smelling five dollar bill. He then nodded whilst saying 'Uh-huh.'

'Ew.' Eddy gave Ed an odd look. He then reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. He opened it and dug deep in. After a couple of seconds, he yanked out a ten dollar bill which was torn around one of the corners. 'Now all we gotta do is wait for Double D.'

Speak of the devil, Double D came back, holding the cigarette butt in his hand. 'Do you have anywhere I can discard of this or will you insult me again?' Eddy pointed to an ashtray (that be bought for an ash-hole. OK, I'll stop saying that). 'Thanks.' Edd then placed his used cigarette butt into the ashtray.

'Hey Double D.' Eddy asked. 'Ya got five bucks?'

'Why do you ask?' Edd was suspicious. 'Have you resorted to scamming our neighbours again?'

'Nah, ya know I don't do that anymore. I'm actually treatin' us to breakfast or lunch or brunch or whatever.'

Edd made a noise as he reached out underneath a hat and pulled out $15 (in 3 five dollar bills). 'Poutine?'

'Cool.' Eddy nodded. 'So who's drivin'?' Ed raised his hand as if he was about to volunteer. 'Ya don't count, Ed; ya don't have a licence.' Ed lowered his hand.

'Sorry, Ed. But Eddy's right.'

'Yeah. 'Sides, if his drivin' is anythin' like him playin' games, then the wheels would probably blow the moment he sticks the key into the ignition.'

'Well, it seems like it's between you and me.' Edd then paused in – I wouldn't say deep thought, but he did take a little while to think about it. 'Well, out of the two of us, which one is the most sober?' Eddy then picked up the keys and handed them to Edd, who then just stood there in a mild shock. 'That was easy.' He commented on the situation.

Eddy the pointed towards the door. 'Let's hit it.' He then grabbed his house keys and opened the front door. Ed and Edd followed him, the latter closing the door after him. The trio then headed towards the van. After Edd unlocked it, Ed opened the back doors and climbed into the backseat, Eddy opened the passenger-side door and Edd opened the driver's door. After they were all in the van and wearing their seatbelts, Eddy said. 'Hey guys, ya wanna hear a joke?'

'Sure!' Ed nodded from the backseat.

'I guess.' Edd said as he put the keys in the ignition and turned them. 'It'd probably lighten my mood. Even though I'm not feeling depressed at this moment.'

'OK, it's one my brother told me. I forgot some of it, so I'll make some shit up.' Eddy briefly explained just as Edd reversed into the cul-de-sac and set off. This is going to be good. 'A man and his family walk into a talent agency...'

(-)

About 25 or so minutes later, they reached the poutine place. '... And the agent says "Well, that was quite an act, what do ya call it?" And the man replied "The aristocrats!"'

Both Ed and Eddy burst into laughter whereas Edd's eyes shrank in horror. 'That was...' He paused, trying to find the right word without swearing. 'Pleasant.' His eyes then went back to normal size. 'Although I highly doubt that you sticking a hosepipe into someone's rectum and unleashing a huge flow of water would cause them to explode. Even if they were Celine Dion for some unknown reason.'

'I liked the part where Hitler ra-' Ed said before he was cut off by Edd.

'I don't want to hear it!' He yelled, clearly angry.

'What's with you?' Eddy asked.

'Nothing.' Edd replied, calming down. 'But, if it helps, we're here.' Edd stopped the car, turned it off and took the keys out of the ignition. The trio then unbuckled their seatbelts. Edd and Eddy opened their respective doors and got out, whereas Ed had to climb to the front to get out. When they were out of the van, Edd locked it and the two of them walked in. The building just looked like your standard fast food restaurant, despite the fact that it isn't (for reasons that would make me seem like I'm a smug arsehole), with an orange and yellow vertical striped roof and grey brick walls – It probably helps that the building was originally a fast food restaurant until the 70s/80s when it closed down. The door – which was basically a standard metal push door with a huge pane of glass in the centre - was green and had Push written on it, both in English and French. And there was a fleur-de-lis shaped sign that read "Palais de Poutine", which was tall enough to be seen from a distance (two, three blocks maximum).

Inside, the walls were decorated with plenty of things Canadian, from hockey sticks to a pair of [fake] moose antlers on the wall. Hell, the walls were either painted red and white vertical stripes or blue and white chequers; it all depended on which wall you were looking at. And, above the counter, the menu was both in English and in French, with the counters themselves following the same motif as the walls. The tables, however, were the same colours as the roof, with the metal table leg just being a dull grey. I'd also like to point out that, excluding the employees and the Eds, the place only had a handful of people. The trio then headed over to the counter, where they were greeted by a familiar face. 'Hello, Eddy.' It was LS (what, you thought I forgot about him?), even though he wasn't wearing his usual Lithuania shirt. Instead, he was wearing a red shirt – which had a large white vertical stripe going down the middle, black trousers and probably the same shoes he always wears – if I've described them, which I probably haven't.

'Hey, Tomas.' Eddy nodded. They both worked together for about a year before Eddy quit his job, due to receiving that inheritance. 'Wassup?'

'Oh, nothing much. I've just moved into a new apartment, not too far from Eric's place. You?'

As he was busy trying to remember who this Eric fella was, Eddy said something along the lines of 'Same. I clean shit for an office. Pay's better. And a fancy jumpsuit.'

'That's nice.' LS smiled. 'Anyhoo, can't stop for chit-chat, can I take your order?' He then briefly stopped smiling. 'We're offering a special on vee-geen.' He pointed roughly to a spot where it says "Vegine". 'It's pretty much fries and gravy and no cheese curds, plus toppings of your choice.'

Edd went first, seeing as he was just about in front. 'I'll have the Classic Classic, please.' The first Classic was basically the size of the container (Small, Classic, Medium and Large being the four sizes) and the second one was just the usual fries, gravy and cheese curds with no additional toppings. 'If possible, can you make it so that one side is vegetarian gravy and the other side is cheese curds? Obviously, the fries go below them.'

Ed, who was behind them, went next. 'I'll have a large beef-een with plenty of gravy, silver place.' At that point, Eddy facepalmed. Not just because there wasn't such a thing as beef-een – but they knew what Ed was talking about – but because he should come up with a new rule where Ed isn't allowed to say anything remotely French.

'And what beef would you like, Ed?' This does make a little bit of sense, seeing as LS (and TG) often goes to Automaton's Lair, where Ed works.

'Yes.' Ed goofily grinned. After giving him a vacant stare of disbelief, LS then decided that it meant that Ed didn't mind what part of the cow he wanted with his meal.

Finally, Eddy decided what he wanted. 'I'll have a medium Classic, with Canadian bacon and sausage. Not much gravy, not much curds. If that's OK.'

'Yes it is.' The cashier then stopped writing. 'Right, tell me if this is correct.' He then showed what was on the paper to the Eds, who nodded. 'Alrighty, then. Are you guys paying altogether or separately?'

'Together?' Edd asked his friends.

'Yeah.' Ed and Eddy replied in unison.

'OK, then.' LS then put the paper back behind the till. 'A Classic Classic is $3; a large with beef slices is $6.50; and a medium with Canadian bacon and sausage is $5.50. In total: $15.'

Just as Ed was about to take off his shoe and his sock – and Eddy was getting out his wallet – Edd stopped them. 'I'll pay.' He then reached out underneath his hat and pulled out the $15 from earlier. Here you go.' Edd smiled as he handed LS the money.

LS smiled. 'Your meal will be ready in about five minutes, max. So why not sit down and we'll tell you when it's ready?'

'Yeah, alright.' Eddy then said before the Eds then went to a booth.

There, Edd sat in the middle with Ed and Eddy occupying the sides. 'So… What shall we discuss while we wait for our meal?'

'Nah, I got nothin' good.' Eddy replied 'I got Fallout a coupla days ago and I ain't doin' too bad.'

(-)

Half a minute passed before Scott and Steve walked in. Scott was wearing a brown jacket with a red shirt underneath (with HMWV written in white letters), jeans and brown loafers; and Steve was wearing Wayfarers short sleeved T-shirt with a kitten on it, black slacks and black trainers. They were about to order when Ed shouted. 'Hi guys!'

Scott and Steve looked at each other before they grinned evilly. 'Well, it's aboot time we got oot of the igloo, eh?' Steve said in a stereotypical Canadian voice.

'Yeah, we gotta feed the sled dogs, eh?' Scott replied.

'And maybe get a bold, refreshing Canadian beer and some maple syrup, eh? And play some hockey, eh?'

'Nah, we'd be saying "Please can I hit you?", eh?'

'Yeah, we didn't become lumberjacks because we didn't want to be mean to the trees, eh?'

Scott looked at Steve's head and then felt the top of his own head. 'We forgot our tuques, eh?'

They both were about to speak first, but they went into roughly 25 seconds of "you speak first, eh?" before Eddy had to interrupt them. 'Ya know, I bet you guys ain't Canadians.'

Scott and Steve stopped grinning before they reached into their pockets; it didn't care which pockets they were. They then pulled out their Canadian passports – which aren't all that useful considering how they're now American citizens – and opened them up. There, it showed their real names – Steven Grandier and Scott Kurtzweild – and that were they born in Vancouver (Steve) and Montreal (Scott). They both then used their actual voices. 'It's all authentic.' They both said at the same time.

'It's just not your day, isn't it Eddy?' Edd comforted his friend.

'Nah.' Eddy muttered. 'It's fine, though.'

'But yeah, we do love poutine.' Steve said. 'One of the great Canadian delicacies, along with beer, donuts, beer, flapjacks with maple syrup, Kroff Dinner, bacon and beer.' Although you can't notice it, he was definitely getting a bit sarcastic towards the end.

'So, Steve.' Edd asked. 'How do we pronounce your surname? I'm sure you get asked this a lot, so I apologise if you're tired of it.'

'It's quite simple, really.' Steve answered. 'Just think of something that's a bit more "grandy". Most people read it as "Gron-dee-ay" or "Gron-day", thinking I'm from Quebec or somewhere.'

'And Scott.' Edd turned to the other Canuck. 'You're apparently French Canadian, yet your name isn't.'

'Yeah, my family came from Central Europe - somewhere Ger-Russiany - before they moved to Ontario. Then my mom and dad moved to Montreal, where they had me.'

'Still better than my name.' Steve complained. 'When your parents are former hippies and your middle name is the same as your cat, then I don't blame ya if ya end up like me.'

'What was your cat called?' Edd had so many questions today. 'If you don't mind me asking.'

'Maple.'

Eddy suppressed laughter. 'Yeah, it gets worse because I'm been bald all over since I was 25. I don't even have eyelashes! Why else do you think I wear these sunglasses?'

'Rough.' Eddy finally stopped smiling. ''Sides, we've been pretty much hairless when we were younger. I had three hairs that stuck up; Lumpy still kinda has his, kinda; Melonhead had a crew cut; Shovelchin had mine and Ed's, not to mention he wore a shitty hat; and don't fuckin' ask what was with Jimmy. And the less said 'bout Double D, the better.'

'Why? What's under there?' Scott was curious.

'You don't want to know.' Edd reassured them.

At that point, Edd spotted that the poutine was ready. with some help, he got up out of the booth and went over to get it. When he got to the counter, LS told him 'There's a soda machine there. First drinks are free, but it's a buck fifty for refills. By the way, due to how the whole thing can be abused, we recommend that you get a drink for yourself using our cups. Tell your friends the same.'

'Thanks.' Edd then got a cup and filled it with some cola. He then added some ice, put the lid on and poked a straw through it. He then headed back to the table. 'Just to let you know, gents: If you want a drink, please get one now while they're still free.'

He then put his drink back on the table before heading back to the counter. On there, there were three metal bowls - which look like bread baking tins coloured black and made of china - on a tray along with knives, forks and spoons wrapped in a napkin (because it may seem like fast food, but at least ). Underneath the tray was a map of Canada highlighting various places like Ottawa; Vancouver; Toronto; Montreal; Quebec City; and Barrhead, Alberta (because that's where the owner was from). He looked down to find out that, yes, they were what they ordered. Although the cheese curds and the gravy seemed a little bit too close on his, it wasn't close enough for him to throw a fit. 'Enjoy your meal, sir.' LS said to Edd.

'Thank you.' Edd smiled back. He then carried the tray to the table. Luckily, his drink remained untouched. He gave Ed his meal, which was slathered with brisket and, if you looked closely, you can see a fry drowning in gravy; Eddy his meal, was bacon and sausage slices laid out in a specific order (b, s, b, s, etc.) with the poutine underneath; and Edd's was just plain fries, gravy and cheese curds - which made sense, seeing as, not only was this his first time having some (he passed the restaurant many times and wanted to try it) but also because he's a vegetarian. He then handed them his cutlery and squeezed back into the booth. 'Well, gents, shall we tuck in?' Ed and Eddy nodded and picked up their knives and forks and began eating - although Ed seemed like he was shovelling it down. 'Scott, Steve, are you sure you won't join us?'

'Nah, we ain't hungry.' Scott said. 'But we might have a drink and chill.'

'Cool.' Eddy said, sticking a forkful of bacon and fry into his mouth. After he finished swallowing it, he then asked the duo. 'I know ya were in a band - and are in another band. So what was that first band like?'

'Hurt Me With Violence?' Steve began, just as Scott was getting a cup of diet cola. 'Shitty name, I know. But there are Japanese bands with worse names: Mr. Children, KinKi Kids and the Gerogerigegege being three. Not to mention that our first bassist was originally Japanese-American.'

Scott walked back up to the Eds whilst Steve went to the machine to get a drink. He was going to continue where his cousin left off. 'We became interested in noise after a trip to Seattle in...' He paused. '1983, I think - I don't know. Yeah, we managed to sneak into a Whitehouse concert. He was 16 and I was 13 at the time. We were amazed by how fierce and violent they were. Ever since that day, I've became a huge fan of power electronics.'

'In 1985, I formed a noise rock band with a few people I know. I was on lead guitar, that bassist I mentioned, my then-girlfriend's brother on second guitar and my next door neighbour's son on keyboards. At first, we were like Big Black, only a bit heavier. After Scott got a drum kit for his 16th birthday, we asked if he wanted to join - he did. We did a few demos and got signed to a local label. We released our debut album - Kid Joe - the following year. It sold well enough, but could've done better. Besides, although there was some ferocity, it was a bit subdued and more light-hearted'

'A couple of years later, we did This Is Canada and we dealt with things like murder, killing animals and drug use. Lyrically, we had it; musically, we didn't - It was still a bit too fast and short. By then, I dropped out of school and worked in a factory. Still, in '89, we did a tour of Australia and New Zealand, where we were popular. Afterwards, we released a live album taken from a performance in Brisbane. Kinda embarrassing for me, seeing as I threw up midway through a set. Still, at least they waited 'til I was alright before carrying on.'

'It wasn't all sunshine and rainbows y'know.' Steve took a sip of his drink - a lemon-and-limeade. 'The bassist, the other guitarist and our keyboardist had a falling out with each other and I had to fire them. Or last song together was some 14-minute long improvised shit - Choking to Death - which made its way onto the гормолоко EP. Afterwards, we had to get some session musicians to fill in the rest of the album, which included a 7-minute long sarcastic ode to Karla Homolka and Paul Bernardo. It was that record which made us realise we had found it.' Steve paused to finish his drink. He then gave LS $1.50 in loose change to pay for a refill. He then came back with a full cup of his drink. 'Afterwards, we did a small tour of Canada, from BC to Newfoundland. We pretty much demonstrated our new sound - Harsh, heavy, slow pounding drum beats; slow, heavily distorted guitars; me sounding like I eat gravel and glass for a living; and keyboards - should we need them - making low rumblings followed by high-pitched squealings. Lyrics mostly about killing, but also other things like abuse and psychological trauma.'

'Then came June 30th 1993. Our last concert at the University of Waterloo. It was nice seeing the gang all back together. Steve was there, only wearing a mouldy and torn pair of boxer shorts; the rest of us were all wearing something, I don't know what. It didn't matter, seeing as we performed in near darkness. If we count that ten minute break inbetween sets, we managed a two hour farewell, dedicated to Jesus Christ...' He paused, for dramatic effect. 'Allin.'

'That doesn't seem too bad.' Edd said, seeing as Scott had finished his sentence.

'We only played 7 songs.' Steve retorted. 'One of them - a rough demo of An Execution - went on for about 25 minutes! But yeah, it was nice seeing me, Hiro, Paul, Scott and Dave back together. We asked them if they wanted to get back together, but they refused. I think Hiro lives in Calgary as an accountant and has no intentions of returning to music. Paul fronted his own band which only lasted a few performances before he hung up his guitar and returned to medical school. And, sadly, a week after the performance Dave was killed with his girlfriend when a drunk driver - who also died - ploughed their car and it fell into Cluculz Lake.'

'That's horrible.' Edd stared in disbelief.

'We dedicated our final album - Songs About Killing - to him.' Scott began wrapping up the tale of HMWV. 'Since everyone else wasn't interested - and we didn't have enough to hire people, Scott and I played all the instruments ourselves. It was pretty much 10 songs on a triple LP; the shortest being about 8 minutes long. In 1994, we called it quits and then moved here, where we formed Monster Condo. We started a new band because whenever someone hears about Hurt Me With Violence, they tend to think of hard, slow, heavy and long; when we wanted to be all fast, short and slightly softer.'

'So that's the story of our first band.' Steve said. 'Any questions?'

There was a few seconds of silence before Eddy asked. 'What's with your shirt?'

'This?' Steve looked down. 'During the early days of the band, I volunteered at a cat shelter. I love cats. In fact, the cover of This Is Canada was pretty much an old photograph of Maple with the Canadian flag painted on. We didn't, seeing as Maple had been dead for over a decade by the time we were making the album.'

Edd asked 'How did Jeff and Ed join your band?'

'Jeff was a guy we met when we performed here in '91.' Steve answered. He was our bassist for the concert here. We asked if he wanted to join us for the rest of our tour of The State, but he had work to do. When we moved here, we met up again, he did an audition and... Well, you probably know the rest.'

'Ed...' Scott paused, just as the lump was finishing his meal. 'Well... He was a fan as well. He kept going on about Family Matters - A 17-minute long song about a man who goes mad an' murders his family and neighbours before getting gunned down by the police.'

'Yeah,' Eddy gave a stern look at Ed. 'I don't know why.' He snarked.

'He answered an ad we set up, found out it was us, performed well at the audition and became the fourth musketeer.'

'I see...' Edd said as he placed the last of his poutine into his mouth before pushing his bowl away.

Scott then said. 'Well, I'm in the mood for donuts. You coming, Steve?'

'It'll be a bit of a drive.'

'Worth it.' Steve then nodded and joined his cousin. The two of them headed towards the exit.

As the Eds watched the two Canadians walk out of the restaurant, Edd summed up this chapter. 'Well, that was reasonably interesting.'

'Yeah,' Eddy said, finishing up his meal. 'Shame it don't matter.'

Edd paused for a few seconds to think it up. 'Sadly, you're correct there. But still, what did everyone think of their meal?'

'Yummy-yum-yum!' Ed shouted, although it wasn't too loud.

'Wasn't too bad.' Eddy said. 'Still better than anything I can cook... Apart from omelettes, of course.'

'For something that doesn't sound nice together - Fries, gravy and cheese curds - it actually tasted decent. Maybe something to try again soon.'

The trio then got out of the booth. As Ed and Eddy were walking to the exit, Edd picked up the bowls and cutlery and put them back on the tray. He then picked up the tray and put it back on the counter, per restaurant policy. LS then told him ''Have a nice day, sir.'

'I will.' Edd smiled back. He then joined his friends outside and they walked to the van. When they got in and buckled up, he told them 'Right, gents, here is the plan: I shall drive back to my house for a nice relaxing smoke, then get ready for work. Eddy, you take Ed back to Automaton's Lair and then take yourself home.' Ed and Eddy nodded in agreement just as Edd put the keys into the ignition. He then managed to get out of the parking lot. He then drove back to his apartment, passing Gerta and Marie in the latter's Mustang. When he got there, he undid his seatbelt, opened the door and got out of the driver's seat. Eddy, who also took off his seatbelt, moved over to the driver's seat and put the seatbelt back on. 'Hope to see you again soon.' Edd said as he got a cigarette and his lighter out.

'Bye.' Eddy then drove off, taking Ed back to where he now lives. Afterwards, he'll take himself home and probably get himself a drink, although he does not know what. After he dropped Ed off, he then buried his head into his hands. 'Crap, I shoulda brought my Employee Card. Coulda gotten 20% off! Shit!' He then looked bakc up and continued driving. 'Next time...'

(~~~)

A/N: To celebrate Edarchy reaching 3000 reads, I will stop celebrating milestones until it reaches 5000. Mostly because a large percent of people who read it only read the first chapter. I'm not complaining, though; if they didn't like it, they didn't like it - it's perfectly fine.

But yeah, sorry about uploading this chapter before it was fully done. I've fixed this. I'm also sorry about how it became this big, confusing mess. Hopefully, that won't happen next time. Either way, here are the explanations, which are only here to pad it out more:

1) There's no way I could really do the opening of the chapter without it seeming a bit... off. But, then again, it could be worse. No, seriously, it could.

2) From the looks of things, Peach Creek probably has a large Canadian diaspora. Can you guess why? Yet, funnily enough, there isn't a Tim Hortons there; although there is a booth at the Lake Garcia State Park and a restaurant in Applebay, but that's about it.

3) Just in case you aren't sure: There's a formula for ordering your poutine at Palais de Poutine. I'll mention it in a future blog post. I'd probably get the maths (or math. Either one) wrong. Either way, I'll point out that, although it does seem complicated, it's actually quite easy. Then again, that's what you get when a mathematician - created by a guy who's forgotten most of his secondary school-level maths - opens up a restaurant.

4) I originally had Kevin and/or Edd commenting on the recent spate of Kevedd (Kevin/Edd) fics – I have nothing against you if you support that ship; I'm just wondering why there's so many fics dedicated to that couple whilst I was writing this chapter. The worst thing that'd happen is being branded a homophobe, ignoring the fact that I came out as bi in the previous chapter (fun factoid: This did happen to me once in real life, but it was before I came out). OK, I'll go onto the next explanation before I turn this into my personal soapbox…

5) Chances are I've pissed off any Canadian readers in this chapter. Bear in mind that if they act stereotypical, chances are that they're making fun of stereotypes. But yeah, I've expanded on them: Scott seems a bit off yet means well, whereas Steve is grumpy and prone to sarcastic outbursts. It's a bit like Terrance and Phillip, only mediocre (even by new South Park's standards).

6) I love cats. I have a few at home. It's pretty much why Steve likes them. Even though he might be one of the most cynical characters in the story, his heart would just melt if you placed a kitty anywhere near him. And yes, there will be a chapter where he adopts a cat, although that might not be until late 1998/early 1999.

7) Songs About Killing was inspired by Big Black's 1987 album Songs About Fucking (which was their last album before they broke up). Not to mention that, indeed, all the songs on the album were about people getting killed.

8) If a character makes a mistake, it doesn't necessarily mean that I've fucked up. For example, Scott thinking Russia is in Central Europe (when it's Eastern Europe/Asia) and Edd getting "detrimental" wrong were basically them making an error (though the latter was based off of a mistake I once made). If I do make a mistake, either I'll find it out eventually or you can let me know via PM or review.

9) I think I forgot how to English for most of this.

Alright, that's about it. As I've said, this story has been read about 3000 times. This doesn't seem too bad, considering that one of my other stories - Dawn of the Dead from the Neck Up (or DotDftNU for short) - has been read over 3500 times. But I found that out after about 2-3 years. I started writing Edarchy in July last year. Now, no matter what you think of this story, you have to admit that's a crowning moment of awesome, especially since this is an alright [at best] tale which feature such preposterous things such as versatility, bisexuality, informal narration and - gasp - pre-Halo first person shooters (Half-Life 2? Was there ever a Half-Life 1? Also, note the sarcasm). But yeah, I'd like to celebrate this moment by doing nothing much, apart from churning out more crap. I might do something special if it gets more reads than DotDftNU (which, in my opinion, could be better. If you've read after the first chapter, you'll probably agree) but I don't know yet. We'll see. Alright, so take care and I'll try not to let my hubris get the better of me. Er... I suck! There, that's better.

P.S. I'll probably spend the next chapter wondering how I managed to write at least 6000 words of crap.


	26. Chapter 26: Unregistered Filler

Edarchy

Chapter 26: A Foot and a Half of Unregistered Filler

Disclaimer: I don't own Ed, Edd n Eddy. The title is a slightly modified version of a line from Shotgun by Big Black (taken from their Racer-X EP). There's also some other stuff I don't own; if you know what they are, then you'll probably know who owns them.

A/N: In his review, BarthVader (a fellow troper, although I should point out that I don't have a TV Tropes account) mentioned in his review that, although no one said that the characters' lives had to be rollercoasters, he did complain about there being too much filler. Much like THE Brandon Brownson saying I should be a bit more show-don't-tell, this is actually a very good suggestion that I'll be implementing soon (not in this chapter, though. Maybe the next). So yeah, don't be afraid to make any suggestions (although I should point that that I won't create any couples because you ask me to; if you do see any new couples, or any couples breaking up, it's mostly because I planned it).

So what shall we be seeing in this chapter? Nothing really interesting. I tend to make these up as I go along. But I'll try to do something at least entertaining. I might add a funny moment or two - although chances are it would seem a bit forced - and, hopefully, write a chapter with very little angst (because Angstfest is over and I'm trying to come to terms with that. Apparently). OK, I'll get started now.

(~~~)

Saturday 3rd October 1998. Eddy was lying on the couch. However, he wasn't hungover, ill or asleep, he was just watching some TV. He wasn't watching anything interesting, just an old episode of Wheel of Fortune. He wasn't doing too bad, although I should point out that he had seen this episode before. On the stand next to him was a half-empty bottle of water (which was indeed just an empty beer bottle full of water). And, indeed, all was quiet, just as long as you ignore the sounds from the television and Eddy trying to guess the puzzles.

Then the phone rang. Eddy then got up and turned the TV off, because he couldn't be arsed to get the remote, which was on top of the TV. When he got to the phone, he picked it up and, before he could ask who it was, the voice on the other end went 'Hey Eddy, it's Ed.'

'Fucker.' Eddy rubbed his face for some reason. 'What do ya want?'

'Double D an' I are comin' over!' Ed yelled. However, it wasn't loud enough that Eddy had to put the phone away from him. He's getting better at it.

'For plot reasons?'

'Maybe.'

'Alright. When do ya think ya will get here?'

'Thirty mins?'

'Alright, just let me get back to my shows.'

'OK.'

Eddy then hung up the phone and went back to the TV. He picked up the remote and mumbled something about why he didn't see it there. He then shuffled back to the couch - remote in hand - and went back to lying down. He aimed the remote at the TV and turned it back on. Thankfully, it was still on the same channel. He then resumed watching his show and trying to guess the puzzles.

About thirty minutes later, there was a knock on the door. Eddy picked up the remote and turned the TV off. He got off of the couch and picked up the water bottle. He drank from it and put it back down. As he heard the door knock again, he said in a slightly annoyed tone 'Yeah, yeah, I'm comin'.'

He got to the door and opened it. It was Ed and Edd as promised. Ed was carrying his guitar for some reason. 'Hello, Eddy.' Edd said to his friend.

'Hey, Sockhead. Hey, Monobrow. Come on in.'

'Thanks.' Edd said as Eddy stepped aside to let his two friends walk in.

'So what do ya guys want?' Eddy asked, grumpily.

'I have something extraordinary to show you gents!' Edd announced.

'What is it?' Eddy asked. Everyone paused because they were expecting a sarcastic answer, but he couldn't think of one. Mostly because I can't think of one.

After another couple of seconds of silence, Edd answered 'You know how, under my hat is that horrific scar and a black mullet with blond bits?'

'Yeah?' Ed asked. 'Waddaboutit?' He said in a confused tone rather than being sarcastic. He might've had one or two sarcastic moments throughout the original show, but he became

Edd then took off his hat. His horrific scar - which doesn't seem that horrific if you look at it long enough - was still mostly obscured by his hair, but that wasn't important. It was the fact that Edd managed to get rid off the blond bits that seemed to shock Ed and Eddy. 'So.. Why did ya do it?' Eddy asked.

'Guess.' Edd replied.

'Guess?' Eddy was confused. 'I don't see what ya...' He then stopped to think about it. Fourth wall breaking powers activate! 'Ah, yeah, I see now. Damn fangirls.'

'Let's talk about something else before the author goes off on yet another rant criticising annoying fans.' Edd said. 'Besides, it's amazing why I didn't do this sooner.'

'Beats the hell outta me.' Eddy shrugged. ''Sides, what's with the guitar?'

Ed looked at the guitar. 'Dunno.'

'Who knows?' Edd said. 'Maybe it'll come in handy at some point.

'Maybe.' Eddy mumbled. 'Who knows? Who fuckin' cares?'

'You're probably right there.' Edd sighed. 'But still, shall we check the newspaper to see the movie listings?' Eddy, without saying a word, picked up a newspaper and tossed it over. Edd somehow managed to catch it without sustaining any paper cuts. 'It's been a while since we last saw a movie together.'

'Yeah, tryin' to remember what it was.' Eddy said. ' Wasn't Fear and Loathin', had to watch that by myself. Wasn't Titanic; found that mediocre and overhyped.'

'We all liked Saving Private Ryan. Even though Ed was more interested in the beginning.'

'Yeah...' Eddy looked at Ed. However, it wasn't a pleasant look. 'Wonder why that is...'

'It's 'cuz it was like Pimpsmasher #38!' Ed yelled, smiling like the pea-brained lump that he is. He's still more intelligent than me, though. 'That's the one with the zombie pimps with sword arms and sword legs!'

And, indeed, he pulled out a copy of said comic and showed it to his friends. In it, we see the zombie pimps trying to attack Pimpsmasher - whose pose is like a combination of Ash Williams from the Army of Darkness poster and Doomguy from the cover of the first Doom game - with their sword limbs (it's not that they have swords FOR limbs. It's that every part of their arms and legs - including the pores, hairs, nails and skin underneath - are made of katanas which are, in turn, made up of smaller katanas). Not to mention how Pimpsmasher, who was shouting "DIE!" to his would-be attackers, was holding a massive chainsaw (in one hand) where everything - the blade, the handle, the internal bits, all of it - was made of fire; the other hand was a fist so tight, the fingers were actually going into the hand. In the comic, the weapon's name is revealed to be the Flaming Flamesaw of Fire. And, somehow, the thing was set alight. Yes, in the world of Pimpsmasher, fire managed to catch on fire (instead of it - y'know - spreading, it was a flame surrounded by another flame). Well, this is the world of Pimpsmasher - who once said in a rare fourth-wall break: "FUCK LOGIC! FUCK PHYSICS! KILL FUCKING EVERYTHING!" Right before he rain straight through a pimp, spraying the pimp's innards over a 396-mile radius. Which was a scene from this very issue

Edd and Eddy took a long look at the cover before the former went back to reading the newspaper. 'Hm... We could see Ronin.' Edd suggested. 'But, unfortunately, Ed would think that it's an adaptation of a comic book.'

'How do ya know it ain't?' Eddy was curious.

'Because I saw it with Marie a couple of days ago.' Edd replied. 'It wasn't too bad.' Of course, this isn't my opinion because I haven't seen it. 'But, if I can remember, there are three new films out this week.'

'I'm not gonna ask anythin'.' Eddy mentioned. 'I'd make an ass outta myself.'

'Had you asked, Eddy,' Edd started. 'I probably would've pointed at a section where it reads "Still New!".' He indeed pointed to that specific section of the film listings. 'But if we want to see something relatively new, we have Antz, with a Z at the end instead of an S; A Night at the Roxbury; or What Dreams May Come.'

Eddy then metaphorically looked over the three choices. 'Definitely not that last one.' He came to one conclusion. 'Sounds like a crappy chick flick. And we ain't chicks.'

'Unless we come across some of our crazier fangirls.' Edd retorted.

'Touché.' Eddy said. 'As for Antz...' Eddy put plenty of emphasis on the Z, if you're wondering. '... I dunno. It's probably a kid's movie.'

'So?' Edd asked, somewhat out of character.

'Ya do know I ain't a huge fan of kids, right?' Eddy explained.

'True. Plus it'd probably be sold out. Or there won't be enough seats. So, if the latter's the case, there would probably be some convoluted plot trying to sneak all three of us into the screen which would end with all three of us barred from the theatre.' He paused to reflect on that. 'Glad we're no longer the adolescents we were about a decade ago.'

'Yeah.' Eddy then realised something. 'Why do we have to see new movies? I mean, ain't there somethin' out last month we could watch?'

'The author probably wants the audience to remember it's still 1998.' Edd explained, with a hint of sarcasm in his voice. 'But if we want to see a new movie, our only choice it seems is A Night at the Roxbury.'

'It's that movie based on that SNL thing, right?'

'Yes.'

'Yeah, that sounds good.' Eddy nodded in agreement. Or would if he had a neck. ''Sides, we all like that song, right?' Ed opened his mouth, as if he was about to speak. 'Don't sing, Lumpy.' Ed then closed his mouth.

'And I do have to admit that the sketch is quite amusing.' Edd admitted. 'So... Shall we watch that?'

'Yeah.' Ed and Eddy said in unison.

'Very well. We've managed to come to a decision.'

'It makes me so happy I could sing!' Ed said. He picked up his guitar and strummed it. Despite it not being plugged into an amp or anything like that, it still played like a normal electric guitar. 'Oh...'

Before he could actually sing, however, Eddy picked up Ed's guitar - which was resting against the wall - and repeatedly whacked Ed over the head with it (despite being over half a foot shorter). He did this until the guitar was being held together by one string. 'I hate random, outta-nowhere musical numbers!'

'Eddy!' Edd yelled in horror. 'Isn't that a bit harsh?'

'Nah, don't worry, it'll fix itself.'

'Oh really?' Edd looked at Eddy sceptically.

'Yeah! Look' Eddy held out the hand that was holding the guitar, only for it to be not there. Eddy then looked at that hand for a second or two before saying 'Oh wait, it's this one.' He then held out his other hand. Indeed, the guitar was fixed and he was holding it by the neck. He then handed it back to his friend, who was on the floor, relatively unconscious with a large lump on his head.

Eddy looked to his left, then to his right, before pushing down on Ed's lump. Somehow, it manged to bring him back into the world of the living. 'Thanks, Eddy!'

'So, ignoring the sudden and unexplained drop in Ed's IQ - whichI pray is temporary - we shall see A Night at the Roxbury, unless we manage to find a better movie when we get there.' Edd pretty much summed up what they were talking about

'Yeah,' Eddy agreed. 'Also, hope ya don't turn into a faggot and I don't start shoutin' for no fuckin' reason.' I'd love to see how many people accuse Eddy of being homophobic. This might not seem like much but, if you've read this from the beginning, you should know that Eddy has been openly pansexual since he was 16.

'Guys, are we gonna see a movie?' Ed asked. It wasn't a stupid question, but rather him saying that we should definitely move on with what little plot there is.

'Yeah, let's go.' Eddy started complaining. ''Cos we're probably gonna be stuck here forever.'

'Alright then.' Edd said. 'Who's driving?'

Eddy then picked up both sets of his keys. He then headed towards the door with his two friends behind him. Outside, Kevin dropped off a customer, who gave him his fare. That is, the customer paid Kevin, not the other way round. This isn't Nodnol, y'know! Anyways, the Eds walked up to him. 'What do you dorks - and Double D - want?' Before one of them could answer, Kevin spoke again. 'Is it about me and Double D being together? Because I don't swing that way. Sure I've seen a few good dicks, but that's about it. Hell, even if I was gay or whatever, I don't feel all that into him.'

'Kevin...' Edd said. However, Kevin didn't listen.

'And there's me rapin' him or whatever. I. Hate. Rape. OK? I once hit a rapist with my car and got the Key to the City.' He reached into his pocket and pulled out a newspaper clipping from 1997. The headline read "Taxi Driver Foils Attack" and the picture showed Kevin - who had a smaller goatee than he does now - in a black suit, white shirt and a red and white striped tie (even though the picture was in black and white) being handed a giant key (which is only used for photos; the key you get to take home is slightly smaller but on a faux-wood plaque with your name and the date you got it) by an off-screen figure (presumably the mayor. The picture's been in his pocket for a while and it's starting to decay a little). 'See?'

'Kevin...' Edd tried to snap the former jock back into reality.

'Not to mention there's me hatin' gay people. I wasn't that fond of them at first - mostly 'cos I was scared they might chat me up. But when my cousin John came out, I started seeing them in a different light. 'Cos he and I hung out a lot, despite me being built and him being a little bit...' He paused, trying to think up a softer word for it. When that failed, he decided to be forward with it. 'Fat. It was kinda weird 'cos he didn't seem gay; he was a dude who loved computers, knew this Eric kid and...'

'Hey Shovelchin!' Eddy yelled.

'What?' This time, Kevin actually responded to someone speaking to him.

'We actually wanted to say "Hi".' Edd explained.

'Whoa,' Kevin said, just noticing it now. 'I made a real dork outta myself.'

'You've been though a lot worse.' Edd said.

'Yeah, true.' Kevin chuckled a little bit - although it sounded fake - and sighed heavily. 'Well, I gotta go. Plenty of fares and probably get something nice for Nazz.'

'But what about the...' Eddy began before he was cut off.

'When I get started on something, I start becoming the author's bitch.' Kevin explained. 'As if he don't know how to write me.' He then got back into his cab and rolled down the window. 'Catch ya dorks later!' He then rolled the window up, put his seatbelt on and drove away.

As the Eds watched him drive off out of the cul-de-sac, Edd remarked 'That was intriguing. We certainly learned something from our former nemesis.'

'Yeah...' Eddy then tried to sum up the entire chapter. 'Shame it was the only good part. That and Ed's crappy comic.'

'True. Now let's go to the cinema.' Edd said. Eddy locked his house door and unlocked the van. Eddy got into the driver's seat, Ed got into the passenger's seat and Edd managed to squeeze into the back. Eddy started the car, reversed out into the cul-de-sac and switched on the radio. They were hoping to get What is Love, but they didn't. Instead, they turned to a random station and ended up listening to Cypress Hill (more specifically, Insane in the Brain), which they ended up jamming to, despite not really being fans of the genre. Still, at least it kinda geared them up for whatever movie it is they're about to watch.

(~~~)

A/N: I might be a little late, but whatever. Either way, I'd like to congratulate Jason Collins for coming out. Despite the fact I'm not really into basketball. Still, you have to admit that it takes a lot of guts.

So yeah, nothing really interesting happened here. This chapter pretty much broke a short streak of longer chapters with plenty of filler, by being a not-so-long chapter of filler. Sorry about that. But still, it could be worse. It could be another Chapter 12. At least this one had Pimpsmasher in it! Still, the only way to pad this out is to add explanations. Because everyone loves them:

1) Originally, this chapter was going to be called "You Fucking People Make Me Sick" and have Kevin and Eddy make fun of yaoi at the beginning (or, rather, one thing about yaoi that really pisses me off). But I scrapped it for one or two obvious reasons (mostly because of the title). Either way, I managed to make one or two potshots at Keveddpalooza (which is what I call the recent spate of Kevedd fics), which still confuses me. Oh well.

2) Personally, I didn't find Titanic mediocre and overhyped; that was just Eddy talking. I mean, I didn't find it good, but I didn't find it bad either (I can only describe it as... alright.). What I did find mediocre and overhyped, however, was The Hunger Games. Sue me.

3) 26 chapters in and already I start mentioning rap or hip-hop or whatever. I'm not a huge fan of the genre, but wow. I completely forgot about that. Well, since it was quite big in the 90s (I may be understating here), I should mention it more often.

4) I seriously forgot how to write Kevin in this chapter. Hopefully, I'll remember how to properly write him. Until then, I'll try to come up with a lame excuse.

Alright, I think that's about it. Sorry about how uninteresting this chapter was. After the last two chapters, I was a bit stuck for ideas. I'll add a new character in a future chapter (but it'll be before 1999. I don't know whether or not to end 1998 after 34 chapters or 36 chapters, but we'll see). But for now... I don't know what's going to happen next. I want to lay off the whole LGBT rights thing as it's getting a little heavy-handed here (although, over a week after this chapter was set, Matthew Shepard - a gay student - was brutally murdered). But yeah, I'll try to think of something. Alright, so take care and I'll get to work on the next chapter after a couple of days.

P.S. RIP Jeff Hanneman. Even though I'm not into metal (apart from industrial and drone), I will still admit that Angel of Death is an awesome song.


	27. Chapter 27: FWTET

Edarchy

Chapter 27: FWTET

Disclaimer: I don't own Ed, Edd n Eddy. Any opinion made by any of the characters is their opinion alone, unless I say so. You probably should've figured that out already.

A/N: Although I think the last chapter could've been done better, I will admit it's not the worst thing I've ever done. As I've said, it had Pimpsmasher in it. All I can say here is that there will be a little bit more focus on Ed (or, at least, there'll be some focus towards the end), who didn't have much to do in the last chapter. And the next chapter will introduce a new character (it's funny how the original show had 13/14 characters - depending on whether or not you count Plank - and here I've pretty much doubled that). I might as well start it now, as I haven't gotten anything else to cover.

P.S. One last thing about Keveddpalooza: I was going to jump onto the bandwagon by writing an actual proper Bara story, which would've been about Edd bulking up (doing some exercise, lifting weights, etc.) in order to win Kevin's heart (and, after the story's end, the two of them would then proceed to have hot, versatile sex). But sadly the only time I'm taking any breaks from Edarchy to write another story will be when I write the Christmas special (still coming in November/December) and a possible Pimpsmasher story (if Edarchy reaches 5000 reads by the end of the year). I might change my mind, though; although by the time I actually get round to doing it, Keveddpalooza would have long passed. Now that I've said what needs to be said about it - although I think it might be dying down - I'll actually get back to work on this story.

(~~~)

It was still the same day as the last chapter, just about two hours after it ended. Eddy was in the driving seat of the van with a slightly angered expression on his face. Ed was in the passenger's seat, smiling like the goof he is. And there's Edd, looking a bit nervous. The trio had their seatbelts on, which kinda made sense seeing as Eddy was driving the van. The van was probably the only thing making any noise; which was strange, seeing as they'd normally have the radio on. After a while, Ed said 'Guys? Are ya still mad at each other?'

'A little.' Edd explain. 'In the author's quest to make it still 1998 - and me having yet another lapse - we inadvertently had watched a terrible movie.'

'Shittest thing I've ever seen.' Eddy said. I should point out that this was 13/14 years before Lisa Goes Gaga. The sound you are now hearing is me shuddering in horror and disgust, having been reminded of that terrible, terrible episode.

'Come now. It wasn't that bad.' Edd tried to make the best of a bad situation, but it clearly wasn't working, seeing as his two friends were silent. Hell, even the van started making a noise that sounded like crickets chirping. Upon noticing this, Eddy hit the dashboard with his fist, which caused it to stop. 'OK, it was a terrible movie. But there are worse movies based off of Saturday Night Live sketches. Like It's Pat.'

'Never saw it.' Eddy responded. Ed shook his head, signifying that he didn't see it either.

'Surely you read the reviews in the newspaper?' Edd was trying to figure it out. 'I mean, you had one in the last chapter.'

'Knew I shoulda cancelled my subscription.' Eddy muttered. ''Sides, it's mostly for the personal ads. That and plot reasons.' He slowed the van down to a gentle stop, because they were at a red light. 'Either way, when I get home, I'm gonna watch a good movie: Nine Inch Nailed.'

'Nine Inch Nail...' Edd was trying to remember where he saw that name. 'Oh, no.' He then remembered. 'How do you know that May works in the "adult entertainment" industry?'

'Everyone knows!' Eddy replied. 'We all just shut up 'bout it 'cos Marie'll kick our teeth in.' He then paused in horror as he remembered what he said. 'You're gonna tell, are ya?'

'It wouldn't matter if I did; she can also see past the fourth wall.'

'Are ya gonna tell?'

'While it's not as bad as the time you turned the cul-de-sac into Freetown Christiania, there's a small chance I will.'

'If ya do, I'm gonna say the word.'

'What word?' Ed was confused.

'Ya know what word I'm talkin' about, Lumpy!' Eddy explained, albeit slightly angered. He was angry that Edd might tell on them. Again.

'Oh, God.' Edd then realised what Eddy was about to do. 'Please don't.'

'Detrimental!' Eddy yelled. To those who don't know (although I have explained it once or twice), Edd thought that word meant something else and used it wrong in a debate (he thought that "detrimental to our cause" meant it was supportive). Since then, saying that word angers Edd; which makes sense as his apartment block doesn't allow pets (which meant his parents had to take care of his ants) and he's less likely to complain about being dirty or filthy, seeing as he took up running in High School. Sneezing on him, though, still isn't a good idea.

After making a few weird noises because of how angered he was, Edd then said out of character. 'Remind me to choke you later.'

'How?' Eddy asked. 'I ain't got no neck!'

'Double negative, Eddy.' Edd started to act like a smartarse. 'You just implied that you have a neck.'

'Shut up.'

Ed, who couldn't handle his two friends arguing, stop smiling and put on the radio. He changed the station to STIL FM and rocked out a little to some Kyuss. More specifically, it was the song Gardenia, taken from Welcome to Sky Valley. Ed had that album somewhere but he sadly doesn't have something to play it on; he forgot to take his stereo when he moved out and his old record player - which initially belonged to his father - stopped working before the end of 1997. It wasn't a time when Ed and his father were bonding; it's just that a few years ago (about '92/'93) his parents had bought a new stereo for upstairs and wanted somewhere to dump their old record player.

'So what is this "Nine Inch Nailed" tape?' Edd asked. 'Marie never talks about her sister's videography.' He then hoped he used that last word correctly. He might not have. But you have to remember that this is the same Edd that inadvertently got his friends into trouble by making their fake Ed read a book (watch Three Squares and an Ed). Oh yeah, I'm not gonna let him forget that for a long time.

'It's these guys with big dicks nailin' chicks.' Eddy explained, although the way he was explaining it made it seem like he enjoyed it a bit too much. 'She only appears in one scene, but these two guys do her with their huge rods! I never know who to...'

'Eddy, please.' Edd had to interrupt. 'Keep concentrating on the road. I don't want to walk the rest of way to my apartment looking like I squeezed through a huge hole in the windshield.' He then reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a cigarette. 'So remind me: Whose abode are we closest to now? The cul-de-sac, where we all grew up? Automaton's Lair, the shop where Ed lives? Or my apartment, which really requires no introduction?'

'Yours.' Eddy bluntly replied.

'Alright then.' Edd then got out his lighter, but he wasn't going to use it yet. 'When I'm back at my apartment block, I'll have this cigarette,' He held it up for his friends to see. 'Then I'll go back inside, put on some Placebo - to gear me up for their new album - and maybe I'll play some Starfox 64.'

'We're here.' Eddy said as he parked outside the apartment.

Edd looked out of the window to find out that Eddy was correct. 'That's what I get for spending less time concentrating on where I'm going and spending more time talking about trivial matters.' He then climbed into the back of the van and got out though the back doors. He then checked to see if he was standing outside his apartment (in other words, he wants to make sure he doesn't have to cross the road to get home) - he was. 'Well, gents.' Edd began. 'I would say "thank you" for the movie, but you can probably guess why I'm not going to.' He then turned round to face the van and leaned against the wall. He placed the cigarette in his mouth and lit it up. The van then drove away to take Ed back home.

After some time, the two remaining Eds arrived at Automaton's Lair. 'Thanks, Eddy.' Ed unbuckled his seatbelt and got out of the van. He closed the door behind him and walked to the door. He took out his spare key and unlocked the door.

Eddy, who was still in his van, drove back home to have a drink and watch a porno. As he was driving, he then remembered something. 'Ah, crap.' He shouted in anger. 'Monobrow left his guitar back at my place.' He then changed to a disco station for the drive back home.

Back at Automaton's Lair, Ed was back in his bedroom. He took his shoes off and placed them at the foot of the bed. He then got out his new record player - which was a birthday present from Bob - and grabbed a box which contained his records. After rummaging through them, he pulled out the one he wanted. It was a copy of Shit, which was a live album from HMWV's last concert. The album cover was all red with the band's name (written close together in a vaguely Doom-esque font) and the letters SH (which was near the edge of the cover) written in black. The back cover was also red and, like the front, it had the tracks, a message and the letters IT in black.

Ed took out the first record and put it onto the player. He placed the stylus onto the record and, after doing one or two more things, the album began playing. A couple of seconds later, we could hear a faint applause from the audience as the band were setting up, the latter taking about 15 seconds, we could hear someone clearing their throat. It was Steve, who then said 'This is dedicated to Jesus Christ...' He then briefly paused for dramatic effect. 'Allin.' He, along with the rest of the band, then began playing a song called Cannibalism, which was one of the few songs anyone could remember off of This Is Canada (not to mention it was basically about a relationship gone wrong, which was a change from the death-related songs they had been playing at the time). The original song sounded like SAF-era Big Black and went on for under three minutes; but here it sounded like Earth, Whitehouse and PC-era Swans (PC, by the way, basically meant Public Castration is a Good Idea) jamming together.

About 25 minutes later, there was a knock on the door. Bob went down to answer it, singing to himself. When he answered the door, he saw Eddy. 'Sorry, we're not o-'

'Lumpy left this back at my place.' Eddy gave Bob Ed's guitar.

'Oh right, you're one of Ed's friends.' Bob was trying to remember. 'Eddy, I think it is.'

'Yeah.'

'Sorry, when you've boxed for about 20 years, you can start having gaps in your memory.' Bob tried to laugh it off to no avail. 'Well, I'll give him the guitar and tell him it was from you.'

'Thanks.' Eddy then got back into the van and drove back home. Maybe then he can finally watch that movie and have that drink.

Bob closed the door and locked it. He headed back upstairs and he knocked on the door of Ed's room. Ed, who was about to play the other side of the record, answered the door. 'You left this at your friend's house.' The comic book store owner handed the guitar back to his employee. 'Try not to lose it.'

'Thanks, Bob!' Ed smiled. Bob closed the door and walked back to his room, probably to watch some more Transformers.

Ed flipped the record round to play side two. After placing the stylus onto the record, he then got back onto the bed. A couple of seconds later, there was a noise from the record, which sounded like someone was whacking a guitar - on the strings - with a brick. After a couple of seconds, the same sound was made and someone began to play the bass. It was the beginning of Homolka, which was the band's signature song. After a minute or so of the same thing happening again and again, Steve began singing.

Despite the overall brutality and harshness of the music, Ed closed his eyes to reflect on what happened throughout the day. Ignoring seeing the actual movie - which Ed thought was decent - he tried to understand why Edd and Eddy were arguing a lot more than they normally do. He was scared that the two of them would fall out. He didn't want to choose. He took a deep breath and opened his eyes. There was too much for him to think about, which explains why he can't continue with his nap - or whatever it is he was doing. He then reached out from underneath the bed and pulled out a comic. It was The Revenge of Evil Tim #3, which was part of an ongoing saga where Evil Tim possesses Satan and launches an attack on the city and Hero Jim has to lead a small army to stop him.

For some partially known reason, he then reminisced about how he got into comics and, indeed, horror. He was 5 years old and he managed to sneak downstairs while his parents and his sister was sleeping. He turned on the TV and flicked through a couple of random channels before he found something that interested him: Attack of the Killer Meteorites from Outer Space. Despite the movie's terrible quality - the "Killer Meteorites" were clearly poorly-painted rocks held up on strings; and one of the characters stops for a couple of seconds (as if they forgot their next line) before dropping on the floor pretending to be dead - Ed enjoyed it. Just before he saw the end of the film, where the heroes planned to defeat the Killer Meteorites by throwing Simpson-brand shoe polish (a registered trademark of a company that went out of business two years after the movie was made) at it, Sarah began crying, which woke up everyone else in the house. Sure, he got grounded for it, but it was all worth it.

However, it wasn't until 1983 (when he was 7 and Sarah was 2. This isn't me getting the years wrong again; this was a while before Sarah's birthday) that he got into comics. He was at the doctors just for a routine checkup along with Sarah. However, he, his sister and his mother had to wait a while to see the doctor. Whilst Sarah was just wondering around under the watchful eye of her mother, Ed looked around to find something to read. After finding several magazines that weren't very interesting, he came across an Evil Tim comic. Not just because it was years before Pimpsmasher was even conceived, but because it caught his eye (the cover showed a purple light heading towards the chest of a screaming man, who was dropping his gun). He picked it up, went back to his seat and began reading it. It immediately reminded him of that B-movie he saw years ago, even to the point where his mother stopped him from continuing with it.

Despite those vaguely happy memories, he still wasn't calm. He couldn't stop feeling worried that his two childhood friends were going to fall out. He needed to relax a bit more. He finished reading the comic - which was about the same time his song finished - and got up off the bed. He took the record off the player and put it back in its sleeve. He then headed into the bathroom and stripped. He got into the bathtub full of gravy and fully submerged himself. You needn't worry about him drowning, as he once managed to stay underwater for a few hours (or, at least, it seemed that way). But still, he needed some time to think. Total gravy submersion might do the trick, just as long as no one else would mind the smell lingering on for a while. He then began repeating 'We'll ride.' to himself as he was under the gravy. Maybe then, he can finally calm down for a while.

(~~~)

A/N: Next chapter, something interesting happens! I hope.

Although it was clear that this chapter was as half-arsed as the last one, at least something vaguely interesting happened. Although whether or not it will be brought up again will remain unknown. It might happen again in the next chapter or the one after that. Who knows? Either way, here are some explanations:

1) Although he did seem a bit Flanderised here, I will admit that this chapter does show one characteristic about Edd: Although he is pretty much a genius, he does tend to have a few slip-ups. Although this did happen in this original show (mostly because the writers needed a Deus Ex Machina), I'm basically making it more apparent. Because we all need one or two flaws; it makes us interesting and likable (although there are a few entertaining Sues, i.e. John Freeman from Full-Life Consequences and Ebony/Enoby/etc. from My Immortal).

2) Using some of the logic from the above explanation, I also decided to give Bob a flaw. He suffers from - or at least shows signs of - what is known as "dementia pugilistica". Although I will have to do some actual research on it (in other words, not look at Wikipedia all damn day), I still think it's better than nothing.

3) For those who are curious, the message on the back of the cover is: "Taken from Hurt Me With Violence's concert at University of Waterloo, 1993 06 30" followed by a list of who did what. It was partially inspired by the message on the cover of Cop.

4) The opening of Homolka (or at least the one from Shit) was partially inspired by the beginning of Money is Flesh (more specifically, the one from Public Castration is a Good Idea) by Swans.

5) Attack of the Killer Meteorites from Outer Space was partially inspired by such terrible films as Plan 9 from Outer Space, Robot Monster and many other 50s/60s B-Movies. A number of them have been featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000 (except for Plan 9, which was actually done by RiffTrax), so just look them up on YouTube if you want to see how terrible they are.

So this is pretty much it. I wish I could have done more with it, but there we go. Damn writers block. Damn Keveddpalooza. The only vaguely interesting thing happened towards the end. But still, I managed to get there in the end. Alright, so take care and I'll try to do better next time.

P.S. I was 18 when I began writing this chapter and I was 19 when I uploaded it.


End file.
